


Mack the Knife

by Dillian



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: 1970's, AU, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Drug Addiction, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Abuse, Psychosis, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-06
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-02-24 09:44:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 25
Words: 45,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2577020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dillian/pseuds/Dillian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an AU story, set in the early 1970's.  It's dark, and it  doesn't end pretty.  It also turned out about exactly the opposite of how I was intending it to when I started out.  I began the story, and then the characters got away from me, and...  Well, let's just say that when I think about the advantages of not posting a story until I've finished it, it's things like this that I'm thinking of.  But I know me, I wouldn't finish the story at all, if I did that.</p><p>Please don't read unless you're comfortable major character death, and with issues of substance abuse, and suicidal thoughts (and actions).  And please be warned, I still have some editing to do on this story, I am just changing the notes first, because an alert reader pointed out that they suggested the story would end up about 100% differently than it did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Oh the Shark Babe, Has Such Teeth Babe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony Stark, the narrator and hero of this story, introduces himself.

““Oh, the shark, babe, has such teeth, dear  
And it shows them pearly white  
Just a jackknife has old MacHeath, babe,  
And he keeps it out of sight.”  
– Bobby Darin, “Mack the Knife”

**_The Avengers_ , _Iron Man_ , and _Thor_ , and all situations and characters thereof, belong strictly and solely to Marvel Comics. This is a fan-work, meant for enjoyment only, and not for any material profit.**

It was the pills that did it, because I never was an alcoholic. How do I know? Hell, how could I not know? I _know_ alcoholics. Dad’s been one since… Oh Jesus, he’s been one ever since I can remember, and I’ve got a pretty good memory. ...But pills, you’ve got to be careful with those things. You start taking them, you’re losing your tolerance right from the start. How long has it been since one of them was enough? I think I was about 16…

16 years old, and I would come home. Science Club, or AV Club… Hell, I’d go to Youth Evangelism Club, if there wasn’t anything else happening at school that day. I’d go hang out at Rhodey’s house, hang out at Happy’s house or whatever, anything to keep from having to go home. But eventually I would have to of course, and I’d go in there…

 _Always_ this feeling of nervousness when I walked in the door. Like this tight feeling in my chest, it would always be there… Which wasn’t fair to Dad, because of course there were lots of times when he wasn’t drinking, and he was always fine then. But then there’d be the times when… You know.

I’d go in, and Jarvis would usually still be there. He worked until 7:00, see. Dad’s idea. He used to say, “We bachelors, Tony, we need someone to take care of us. That’s why I hired…”

You know, come to think of it, maybe there’s a reason why he hired another fella. Maybe the apple didn’t fall quite as far from the tree as I thought.

…Anyway, I’d go in. Jarvis would be there. Good old Jarvis, always in a dark suit, always looking like he stepped off… You know that show _Family Affair_? That butler-guy, Mr. French? Jarvis dressed like him… Morning suit, it’s called. He used to wear a morning suit. …And I’d go in, and Jarvis was always there, dressed up to the nines in his morning suit.

“Good afternoon, Master Tony,” he’d say.

And I’d always ask him about Dad. You couldn’t, you know, you couldn’t say it right out, but there were ways. “Dad okay?” I’d say, or, “Dad having a good day?”

Jarv would go, “Your father’s not at home,” or he’d say, “He is having a very good day, Master Tony,” or… Well the times when it was bad, he usually didn’t say anything. He’d just look over at Dad’s office door, then he’d give me a frown.

I’d make tracks up to my room on those days. I’d ask Jarv if I could have dinner on a tray. That worked okay unless Dad came out of his office while I was down there, then...

Sometimes he would ask to look at my schoolwork. Sometimes it was other stuff, but usually that’s what it was. He’d ask to see my work… What my teachers had passed back that day, you know? Like that? I’d give him what I had. Usually there was something… Days when there wasn’t, those were the really bad ones. Because I’d have to give him something from before. And it would be all creased and stuff, because probably it had been in my bookbag for a while by then. Dad _hated_ it when I gave him creased-up papers. He said it showed I didn’t take school seriously.

I was Honor Roll every year in High School, but that was never enough for Dad. He wanted me to be… I don’t know. I used to ace every assignment in some of my classes. Like, the science classes? Math classes? Like, Trig and stuff? Those were my specialties. Problem was, sometimes I’d let the other ones slide. Never very much, because I knew what Dad would do to me, but letting them slide at all? “You’re smart, you should get straight A’s,” he’d say…

This is all bullshit. Seriously, if I showed this to Pepper… 

Dr. Potts: Cutest _doctor_ you ever saw… Cutest thing at McLain, not that that’s saying much. She wouldn’t like me calling her Pepper either, but she’s used to that at least. Me saying all that self-pitying bullshit though? That would piss her off like hell.

“Stop blaming other people,” she always said. “They’re your bad decisions.”

I’d give her my cutest smile, and I’d go, “But it’s so much fun.” I’d try and deflect every way I could think of. I was always deflecting… That was after I’d stopped always asking for her to prescribe something, after I found out there was no way, no matter what. You couldn’t get penicillin if you were dying at McLain, they’re that strict. …And I’d say, “Or we could talk about you. How did a cute girl like you get to be a doctor anyway? Don’t tell me you’re one of those women’s libbers?”

I could always get a smile out of her. One smile, then she’d be back again on the deflecting bandwagon. She’d say, “You’re deflecting, you have to face up to your own choices, Tony, you have to make better decisions.” But I’d have gotten that smile. Sometimes I’d get a laugh as well…

Where was I?

You know if I’d known this journal-writing thing was so much work, I’d have gone with N.A. instead. _Narcotics_ Anonymous… I will never forget how Bruce used to talk about that back at McLain:

“Narcotics are drugs that relieve pain and induce drowsiness,” he’d say. “What if you took bennies, or meth?”

Bruce used to get a few smiles out of Pepper too. Difference was, I got mine on purpose. And she’d give him the whole spiel about, “Twelve Step programs have been proven effective as treatment for drug addiction, as well as alcoholism, and all of you are going to have to commit to attending one, I’m tired of hearing your excuses, Bruce…”

Bruce, by the way, also signed up to do the journal-writing. We have to take these things back, when we go to our Psych appointments. Once a week first, then, if we behave ourselves, they move it to once a month. Me and my little graduating class: I could tell you which of us are going to make it, and which aren’t. Clint’s not going to make it. He’s a meth-head, and those guys always go back to the stuff. Steve… might or might not make it. Ex-Army, so he’s got the whole self-discipline thing going for him, but smack’s hard to beat. Most guys end up going back to that stuff too. …Bruce though, he’s going to fall off the wagon before anyone. Why? Because the guy’s got no insight. You can’t beat a serious addiction without insight.

…And oh yeah. I was talking about Dad, wasn’t I? …No, it was the pills. I can remember going to the medicine chest… And it was all Mom’s old stuff in there, all these things she used to take, and after she… Well, I don’t think that thing ever got cleaned out. I think Dad told Jarvis he couldn’t clean it out. …And I’d go, I’d take out one of Mom’s old bottles… I emptied the Nembutal one pretty fast, but there were plenty of Seconals left after she… There were plenty of Seconals, and it was those I was taking when I started to notice that one didn’t do much any more. After that I took two, then I found a guy at school… One of the Youth Evangelism guys, not a kid but one of the leaders, and he used to hook me up. He’d sell me Nembutals… I’d take those things with the Seconals, and I could sleep. Nights after Dad and I would get into it, I needed something... After a while I was taking two of each, and then three, and then... Well, you can see where I am now.

Dear Pepper: Is this good? Am I being _insightful_? Please tell me yes, and please send a nice report to Obie, because it is beyond belief that a 35-year old man should have to report to a _trustee_ to get money that was left to him _free and clear_. And I can understand with Dad’s money, because that guy had issues, I know _he_ didn’t trust me, but it is fucking bullshit that Mom’s money is in trust right now too.

…Sorry for the language. I am making healthy decisions, Pepper, and I am showing insight. I think I am well on the way to licking this addiction, which I totally believe now is a real one, and needs to be taken seriously. Please do not recommend N.A. for me, or for god’s sake don’t order another visit to McLain. I don’t need it, and besides I am going to be on Fire Island, all next week.


	2. And he Shows Them, Pearly White

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony tells of a momentous event, which happened just east of the city.

I met a guy…

Dear Pepper, all that shit you’re always spouting about “confidentiality”? You mean that, right? I mean, you seriously mean it? If somebody came to you with a court order, you’d still be there with the confidentiality? Because it wouldn’t be the first time Obie’s sicced a court order on me. And I know he heard some of the tapes from McLain. He said some things, things he wouldn’t have known if he hadn’t heard them. I don’t know, maybe the other docs there aren’t as big on the confidentiality as you are. Maybe they don’t think an addict deserves confidentiality… Or a psycho? Just out of curiosity, what do I count as, am I an addict, or a psycho?

Never mind, I’ve got it. It’s “comorbid conditions,” right? I’ve seen those “comorbid conditions” before. Saw ‘em on the chart, the time they had me on suicide watch when I was in college… The first college I went to… “Suicide,” by the way, was a laugh. That was _all about_ the pills, about how you build up your tolerance, and then it’s hard to get the dosage right. People will drink on top of the pills, because it helps them work, but then if you took too many Seconals, you’ll wake up in the middle of the night. You might not remember how many you took before. Tony Stark has _never_ been suicidal. Period. Not even after Mom died.

…But yeah, I saw the chart that time. “Comorbid conditions” it said then, and I’m guessing it’s the same thing now. Tony Stark and his “comorbid conditions,” that will probably follow me to my grave. I’ll be… You said I can’t say cured. It’s recovering, right? I’ll be recovering… I’ll have been recovering for 40 years, but I’ll still be an addict (because you said so), and I’ll still have those “comorbid conditions.”

Which is why I want to know about the confidentiality. Because something happened… Something that might be kind of big.

I’ve been doing some research. See, you psychiatrists, you’ve got a book you use. DSM something… Two or Three, I think; it’s called DSM Two, or maybe Three, and there’s this section in it, Section 302, Sexual Deviations. Somewhere on that list is homosexuality. You can swear up and down to me, Pepper, that _nobody_ gets locked up for that any more, but it’s in there. And yeah, maybe they don’t… Maybe if it’s just homosexuality? But it never is, you know? Because when a guy has to live like that, when a big part of his life is called a “deviation,” and… I think “perversion” is in there too. And “bizarre”. …You call a guy perverted and bizarre enough times… And you know the DSM is being nice there, Pepper. You know what kind of stuff a guy gets called on the outside, if he’s got any kind of homosexuality at all. …Point I’m getting at here, is a guy goes around getting called that stuff, _all_ his life, he’s going to develop some “comorbid conditions,” and Pep, I saw plenty of guys at McLain who were homosexual, and they had “comorbid conditions”. You can be nice and ignore it if you want, but that doesn’t mean Obie would, and all I’m saying is, if he laid a court order on you, would you still stick to the confidentiality?

I should have gone with N.A. That’s, like, _pure_ confidentiality. Not even any tape recorders in there, just a lot of guys being anonymous: “Hi, I’m Tony, and I’m an addict,” and they’re all, “Hi, Tony.” I should have gone with that, not all this writing-things-down bullshit, that leaves me with a paper trail. …But I can’t stand the taste of bad coffee.

…Yeah, so I was saying, I met a guy… And when I say “a guy,” I mean someone who might be a little Section 302. And when I say “met,” I mean that we…

**CONFIDENTIAL**

I learned how to redact. That was the second time I flunked out… I’m not going to get into a lot of details here. You can look it up in my charts if you want to. …Second time I flunked out, and Dad was all, “What can I give my worthless son to do?” And he got me an internship at his lawyer’s office, I was supposed to be learning to be a paralegal or something… I should have made that one work, because it’s a 9-5 job. I could have been doing science in my spare time; there are some interesting things being done in computers right now. I didn’t though. _Bad decisions._ It was a summer job, basically I lasted until July. Job was boring, and I started showing up for work loaded, and then I couldn’t do the boring stuff they had me doing anymore. 

…But I learned how to redact. You just take a Magic Marker, and you run it across all the stuff you don’t want anyone to see. I hear word number one about Obie getting a court order, I’m taking this journal, I’m redacting the shit out of this thing. There’s _my_ confidentiality.

…Okay, I met a guy. Fire Island, in case you don’t know, Pepper, is basically like a playground for Section 302s. It’s like wall-to-wall Section 302s, like nothing but Section 302s, in all directions, as far as the eye can see, and there are good-looking ones, and there are better-looking ones, and they’re all in swimsuits, like, the tiniest little swimsuits you ever saw. I was there last week, and I was, like, _submerged_ in the Section 302s; they were all around me…

I am really curious to see what you’re writing in my chart as you read this. Maybe I’ll get have to get hold of that thing, and redact the hell out of it too…

That, by the way, is a joke, Pepper. I know I signed a contract that said no illegal activity.

…This guy was special. He wasn’t wearing a swimsuit for one thing, that made him stand out. And he stayed indoors all the time, and he only came out at night… He was like a very special, very good-looking vampire, only there was something fragile about him too. I don’t know what it was, maybe because he was so thin.

 _Very_ thin, and with green, green eyes, and whenever someone did something stupid… Which happened. A lot. People go to Fire Island to _party_. I stayed on the wagon, but…

By the way, that might have been what made him and me get together, is that we were the only ones who were on the wagon. We were the only ones on the whole island. We’d be on the sofa, and we’d be watching the others, who were acting like idiots. Then Loki would make some kind of comment… God, that guy’s got a sense of humor. Dry, you know? Like, cutting? …And there’d be a look in those green eyes, and his mouth would turn up just a little, like, a knife-blade smile. Like, I wanted to laugh, but I also wanted to… I don’t know.

I wanted to do Section 302 stuff with him, if you want the honest to God truth. And we did do it, lots of it, but that was never all it was for me. There was always something else for me, something where…

He was so _thin._ Getting him undressed for the first time, and he was almost to where your ribs show kind of thin. His clothes, like, _hung_ on him. And I had my clothes off too, and he looked at me, and he was like, “So many muscles,” and one of those knife-blade smiles.

I was like, “Is that a crime?” and he just smiled (and his green eyes said so many things).

And he was like, “So tan too. Do you go out in the sun _all_ the time, Anthony? And do you _always_ remember your suntan oil? Your _coconut_ suntan oil?” Because probably he smelled it on me.

You can’t write the irony that’s in peoples’ words, you know. Not if you’re not a real writer (which I’m not). It was there though. Everything he said was just full of irony, but he’d look at you, and his green eyes would say he was laughing at himself too.

…Not laughing exactly. More like he was saying all these cutting things to you, but it wasn’t like he was saying he was better than you. Like that, you know? Sometimes I got the feeling Loki thought so low of himself… It was like there wasn’t any level for how low he thought of himself, and then I’d feel something in me, like I wanted to protect him.

Loki was very thin. And there were scars on his wrists… You know the kind of scars I mean. These were little, light scars. Kid-scars, like a kid who doesn’t know how to do it so he’ll be successful yet, and maybe he doesn’t even want to be successful, maybe he’s just trying to let a little of the pain out, kind of scars (and you see those, and you wonder, “Where’s this guy going to be in five years?”). And he was pale, and young, like 19 or 20, and so thin.

And I was being gentle with him, because he was so thin, but he didn’t want that. He kept wanting it harder, and he’d say, “Now, hurry. I don’t care if it hurts.” And there was this thing he liked to do… A lot of guys do it on Fire Island, but it’s never been my thing to fist people, but that’s what Loki wanted, and by the end of the week I was doing it and liking it.

You’ve got to use a lot of Crisco for that. …Sorry. _Disgusting_. (Redact this part right now.)

Anyway, the end of the week came, and I really didn’t want to leave, but I have my appointment with you tomorrow, and I am a good boy, I’m not going to miss that (and get my ass locked up). So I came back… Anyway, Loki was leaving too. He said maybe we’d see each other again (with that ironic look in his eyes, so you couldn’t tell if he meant it), and we said good-bye. Section 302s say good-bye too, Pepper. We do lots of the same stuff normal people do.

Loki’s family lives in New York. I looked it up in the phone book. His father’s named Odinson, has a place in Washington Heights… There’s only two Odinson’s in there, the old man in Manhattan, some guy named Thor, on the Upper East Side. Loki said he had a brother. I don’t know which one Loki lives with, but I’m out here for a while, until I’m done checking in at McLain, anyway. Maybe I’ll make some calls.


	3. Just a Jackknife, has Old MacHeath, Babe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony explains the story about his mother.

All the shrinks I’ve had over the years, they always want to talk about my mother, and it’s because of the drugs and… Well mostly it’s because of the drugs, right? Because my mother _was_ an addict. She, like, _defined_ the term addict. Hell, you think I was bad? I was nothing compared to her. Because, see, Mom just started with your pills and stuff. Seconal, Valium? That stuff was an hors d’oeuvre. Mom had this doctor, he’d prescribe Demerol… She learned about that one in Spain. …He’d prescribe all this shit. Because she was _nervous_ , see. And then, you know, after talking all that shit and stuff, after that she really would be nervous, so it was a vicious cycle.

And I guess I learned that from her anyway. I learned that having comorbid conditions can pay off if you use it right. Well I learned that it could. I never learned how to do it... Mom would go in and she’d play the victim. She’d play the fragile little woman thing… Lady wouldn’t have been fragile if she weren’t a walking pill bottle all the time. Jesus. Women can get away with that stuff, and everyone will be falling over their feet to give them stuff, but a man can’t do it. All I ever got from my comorbid conditions was a reputation, and a long, long history. And it’s steadily getting longer…

And I can hear you right now, Pep, I can hear how you’d be. I tried saying all this shit to you, right away you’d be all, “Look at you, Tony, look how you’re holding all that unhealthiness close to you. It’s time to start making choices that take you _away_ from that.”

By the way, one thing I love about you, Pep? And I am not the kind of guy who uses “love” casually, that isn’t me (no matter what you may have heard). One thing I love about you is that you _talk_. Because I’ve seen some Freudians over the years too, and those guys don’t talk. Period. No matter what. You can lie there, you can say …anything. And it gets so you start making shit up. You want to get a rise out of them, you want to get a reaction, and you’ll make up all this shit. Jesus, half the stuff that’s gotten into my record, is just shit I’ve made up for various Freudians over the years.

That about me finding my mother dead? Total bullshit. I found her passed out… Hell, that was practically an everyday occurrence. Or I’d be with her when she passed out. She liked having me with her… Jesus, what mom doesn’t like that, right? …And she’d be lying on the sofa. She’d be like, “Momma’s back is hurting her again, Tony, and I can’t get up.” And, “Can you just fix me…” I learned _a lot_ about fixing cocktails from that woman. And fetching pill bottles. And getting out just the right number, of just the right combination… Which she would sometimes take with water, or sometimes she would take them with the cocktail I’d just made her.

Manhattans, that was Mom’s drink. Two parts whiskey, one part sweet vermouth, and you have to use just the right amount of Angostura. And I’d bring that over to her… Mom always wanted to know if I’d cracked the ice first, you know, she’d want to know unless she wasn’t too bombed by then to care. …And she’d always give me the cherries out of it after she drank it.

Those cherries, that tasted like bitters, and at first I didn’t like them. And Mom thought that was cute, and she’d laugh. She’d say, “Oh, the _look_ on your face, you should see yourself, Tony.” I think I learned how to like the taste of Angostura …you know, and whiskey. …I learned how to like that stuff, just so she would stop laughing.

…Anyway, where was I? Oh, right, right, the _Freudians_. Yeah, it was total bullshit about finding Mom dead. I just said that to get a rise out of this one guy… Total Freudian asshole-guy. Like, Central Park West, and the grey flannel suit, and the _pipe_ … Whole nine yards. And I’d go in there, I’d lie down on that couch of his. He’d be all, “Hmm,” and, suck-suck on that pipe of his, “And how are _you_ doing today, Tony?” And that was all he ever said, just, “How are you today Tony,” and then at the end he’d say, “I think that was a very productive session today, Tony.” Even though it never was. 

I’d go in there… You know I think he was my first psychiatrist? Jesus, and just think how many I’ve had by now. And he was my first. …And at first, I totally did it right with him. I went by the book and everything, lay there for months or whatever, just saying nothing, or if I had a dream… After a while I stopped having dreams, and it was the pressure… Or maybe it was because I was taking a lot of pills at the time, I don’t know. …Anyway, I’d just lay there and I wouldn’t talk, because I could never think of anything to say… Free associate? What does that even _mean_?

Only after a while I got tired of it, and I’d start making shit up for the guy. At first I made up realistic, you know, plausible-sounding stuff. I’d make up dreams for him and whatnot, and he’d never say anything, and so I started making them more and more out-there. Then I’d start telling him all these bullshit stories: My mom tried to seduce me one time, and she let me see her naked. I once got so drunk that my mom couldn’t wake me up, and she panicked, and that was when I was six. I’d tell him all these stories. Still no reaction.

The thing about Mom dying wasn’t the ultimate, I told him way worse stuff than that. Most of it though, I think with most of it he must have known I was bullshitting, and he just didn’t write it down. For some reason he never copped to it that that one was a lie, and it’s been haunting me ever since: Anthony Stark, the man who saw his mother die, and it turned him into an addict. Anthony Stark saw his mother die, and he’s been messed up ever since.

Baby, I never saw Momma die. Worst I ever saw was one time… And I called the hospital, and they didn’t even have to bring her in that time, they just told me what to do. I never saw her die. And you know that about how it’s supposed to be so traumatizing for you to see your mother dead, or, you know, someone that’s close to you? I think they use that in movies sometimes. Someone’ll see their mom dead, or their Grandma or whatever, and they’ll go crazy. That’s a lot of crap. I saw Mom right _before_ she died. That was in the hospital. And they said no one under 18, but then Dad made a stink. I don’t think he knew how bad she was. And I went in… She was right next to flatlining, and I saw her then. And then after that the funeral was open-casket, and I saw her then, and it was no big deal. Everybody does that, don’t they?

God, will you look at that? Look at all the pages I’ve used so far. I’m going to have to buy another journal. So far it’s all stuff you’ve heard before. …I think… It is, isn’t it, Pep?

Anyway, you’re going to want me to bring in some new stuff (or else we can’t get any _insights_ , now can we?), so I’d better get going. But not much is happening. You get a reputation for not being employable… You make it so your dad’s partner doesn’t want anything to do with you… Because I _know_ this is my fault, Pepper, you have told me and told me. And believe me, I get it. You drug, and it makes you unreliable, and a man has to make better choices. …Yeah, Obie says it’s just temporary. He says McLain gives me a clean bill of health, he’ll find a spot for me at the company. I won’t be where… Well, when he says it, he’ll say, “You won’t be where your father would like to see you, Tony,” which I _hate_. …But yeah, he’ll find me a spot. Or maybe I’ll find something for myself, I’ll start doing something, anyway. For now though, yeah. I have plenty of free time.

I wasn’t able to find Loki, by the way. Loki, remember Pep? The guy I told you about last time? And you were all, “Oh, that sounds kind of _stalkerish_ …” Which I guess it does… Or it would have been if I’d been successful. And you said that was the last thing I needed, was to take on someone with so many problems… Which is also irrelevant, since I wasn’t able to find him. …And then we had a nice talk about my hero-complex, about how I always want to _save_ people and shit. Funny, a guy like me wanting to save somebody else, isn’t it? When I can’t even save myself most of the time? That’s what everyone always says… Except, you know, the psychologists and stuff, because they’re paid to give me self-esteem, etcetera. …Except the Freudians. Which brings us right back around in a circle.

…So yeah, anyway, Pepper, not much going on right now. I don’t think we’re going to be having a very “productive session” when I see you tomorrow. …Of course you could give me a really good report, and maybe they’ll let me go to once-a-month sessions? It’s a lot easier to come up with stuff in a month.


	4. And he Keeps it, Out of Sight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Making more bad decisions.

Dear Pepper, you said it’s my choice whether I see Loki again, and I’m holding you to that. And don’t do that thing where you say, “Oh, it’s your choo-ooo-oooice, Tony,” and then you turn around and you give me a bad report with Obie. This wasn’t my fault, I didn’t even make a choice, it all happened to me.

See, what happened: I was sitting in my apartment like I’m supposed to. I’m reading a magazine, being a good boy, you know, the whole nine yards. …By the way, that _Popular Mechanics_ you gave me when I was there last week? Thanks for that. I was kind of rude when you gave it to me, and I apologize. It’s like you said. Just because 14-year olds read it, doesn’t mean it’s only for 14-year olds, and if I’d taken up a hobby… If I’d had a ham radio set, or… How did you put it? …If I’d “done electronics,” as you so quaintly put it, that would have been better than a pill habit, now wouldn’t it? And hey, I’m still young. I can still “do electronics” if I want to, or maybe I will get a ham radio set, start contacting other “enthusiasts” behind the Iron Curtain, etcetera.

…So yeah, where was I? I was sitting alone in my living room like a good boy, and I wasn’t taking any drugs, wasn’t even having a beer. I’ve got my cup of Sanka, and my magazine. I think I had the hi-fi going, maybe a jazz record on or something, and then when there’s a knock on the door, it’s a complete surprise to me (because I don’t know anyone in that euphemistic little “halfway-house” place where I’m renting).

And then when I open the door… And it’s Loki…

I suppose the right thing to do would have been to turn him away. What was it you told me, Pepper? The “wrong relationship” can “sabotage my recovery”, wasn’t that what you said? And you only have to look at Loki. He’s got wrong relationship written all over him. …But it was so cold outside. You know how the weather’s been. And this dry cold, this snow and stuff you get up here, you know it’s easier to handle than what we get in the city, all the rain and the sleet. I don’t know what that stuff was, that was falling that night Loki showed up. I think it was sleet… Judging by the blast of cold air I got just opening the door, it was sleet, and Jesus, he was shivering… He had this big coat on, but he was shivering.

Big, green coat, but it fit him like a shell. Like it didn’t belong to him, and it wasn’t giving him any protection, because of being too big and stuff. And he had the collar turned up, and his face was just white as bone under there, and he had his arms wrapped around himself, and he was shivering… Jesus God, Pepper, you wouldn’t have let a dog stay out there on a night like that, so I let him in. Yeah, I let him in, I wasn’t going to see a fellow human being freeze right there on my doorstep.

And he comes inside… You remember I told you how sarcastic he always is? Wasn’t much sarcasm left, he was so cold that night, but he still did it. He kept up the pretense... You know something inside you just _twists_ when they do that, when people keep pretending, even though it’s obvious they’re miserable, and they can’t do it right. I don’t know why that is.

But Loki comes in. In that big green coat that he’d gotten from somewhere. And he sits down on my sofa, and he says, “Make me some coffee.”

And I do. I make a whole pot of it. And not Sanka, the real stuff. You don’t offer Sanka to a guy who just came in out of the cold. And I made some sandwiches too, and I brought it all over to the coffee table, and I pour Loki a cup of coffee, and he takes it… He wraps his hands around it, you know how people will do, and he puts his face down close. And pretty soon you can see some pink coming back into his cheekbones.

And, “I hear you’ve been looking for me,” he says.

And I’m like… Well what are you going to say? Whatever I say, I look bad, you know? Because I’m either the pathetic guy that had to find the other guy, or I’m the even more pathetic guy who’s psychiatrist told him _not_ to find the other guy. It’s the opposite of a win-win situation here. So I said something. “I made some calls,” I said, something like that.

And, “I know,” Loki says. He’s drinking that coffee, and, “I know,” he says, and he takes a sandwich. He picks through it, like the secret to world peace is in there, then he takes a bite. Then he eats the whole thing like he’s starving to death, and, “My father,” he says. “And my so-estimable _brother_.”

So I go, “Thor’s your brother.” You know how you do, you just pick things at random, and you say them, just so you’ll have something to say.

Loki goes, “Thor? Yes.” And the sarcasm in his voice when he said it… There’s, like, a wealth of hurt in there, like all this past history and stuff, and you can hear it all in his voice. And his coat’s fallen open by now. He’s just got this little thin shirt under there, like, this thin silk shirt, with _paisleys_ on it, looks like some Mod came to visit from Swinging London, and he left it behind. And it’s open halfway down his chest… His skinny chest. But you know, none of that matters, because that drowned-rat look? It works on him.

And, “My so-estimable brother,” he says, “my brother Thor… With the wife and the house in Connecticut after he gets his next promotion, and the 2.5 children,” and he gives me his cup. “More coffee.”

And you _know_ I got him more coffee when he asked for it. I got him more coffee, got him ham sandwiches when he said the bologna ones weren’t good enough… Hell, I would have gotten him anything, and I felt like the most pathetic guy in the world, like this big, pathetic loser. But he needed me, see? There haven’t been that many people in my life who ever needed me.

And I got him some brandy. I didn’t get any for myself, because you know, _recovery_ , but he was cold, and he needed it, and I got him some. And he drank that, and now he was starting to look almost human again, and he goes, “They didn’t know anything, did they?” And his eyes were just green, like, these tilted teasing green jewels, and he smiled, this little curl of a smile. “Were you disappointed?” he says. “And did you think you were never going to see me again? Poor disappointed Anthony.”

And he takes the coat off… That ratty old paisley shirt, that’s hanging open… And his hair looks like it hasn’t been combed in days. And he smiles. “I was with a friend.” He hands me the coat… It had a smell, like metal mixed with after shave. “Victor. That’s his coat. But he was a drag, too conventional, so I left.” And he comes over. He takes the coat out of my hands, puts it on the sofa. And his hands go… Well his arms go around my neck, his hands go into my shirt. And he just breathes in my ear, “Are you conventional, Anthony?”

Seduction. And, you know, sarcasm and seduction, and they go together. All these belittling words, but it’s just like the last time, because you can hear it in there: He’s belittling himself too, with every word that he says to you, he’s belittling himself more than anybody else.

And he gets me on the sofa. “You are conventional, aren’t you?” he says. “You probably wouldn’t even try…” And we’re kissing, we’re kissing all the time that we’re talking…

**And I have that Magic Marker like I was talking about. Remember, Pepper, if you won’t keep my confidentiality, I will. Just a word to the wise.**

…Anyway, so yeah, he’s kissing me, and he’s talking at the same time… All these hungry kisses, like he can’t get enough of it, and the way he’s all over me. It’s like he’s a cat, some skinny, starved cat, just hungry for the attention. And he goes, “S&M…”

You remember, Nat used to talk about that? Nat, that you said was addicted to seduction, but really, the woman said she drank like a fish. White Russians or whatever, if you have to drink before you can get going in the morning, you’re an alcoholic, and you don’t have to look any further than that for your “addiction”.

So yeah, Loki’s talking about S&M, and he says Victor told him he was a “dom”, but he was really more of a “sub,” and all this other shit that I didn’t want to hear about, but Loki goes, “I know you don’t want to hear about that.” And he’s curled up with me, just like a hungry cat. On that lousy sofa that the halfway-house people put in there. “You’re _conventional,_ Anthony,” Loki says. “Just like Mom and apple pie,” and he stretches a little. “Feels good,” he says, then he cuddles closer. “Feels so good for a change.”

So I suppose I was supposed to put him out, huh? Well I didn’t. I just couldn’t, after he came to me. And we did… Well you know what we did. We did Section 302 stuff, a lot of Section 302 stuff, but that’s not why. I let him stay because… Well, he fell asleep on me, okay? Right there, on that ratty sofa, he fell asleep… Just like he hadn’t had any sleep for days, and he looked just like a little kid. And his cheeks were just pink, and his eyelashes lay against them, these long, long dark eyelashes he has, and they lay against his pink cheeks.

And I went to sleep for a while too, but then I woke him up, and we went into the bedroom. He’s there now… Pepper, I know what you’re going to say, but he doesn’t have anyplace else to go. He can’t go back to Victor because… Well he says he can’t go back to Victor. And his parents are going to try and put him away if he goes to them, and Thor’ll narc on him if he goes there. What am I supposed to do? You tell me.

I don’t know if I even want to tell him to go. He _depends_ on me, see? You know how rare that is for an addict?


	5. And Then the Shark Bites, with his Teeth, Babe...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which protagonist finds that "good decisions", so called, can sometimes cause just as much harm as the bad ones.

Dear Pepper, fuck you. Fuck you, the Iron Lady, With the Balls of Steel, and fuck your stupid bullshit ideas about, “Oh, Tony, your _recovery_ , and Tony, people can be addicted to a lot of things, and you have an _addictive personality_ , Tony.” Just fuck it all, okay? And fuck telling Obie. I can’t believe you’d threaten me with that, you manipulative fucking bitch. And you won, okay? I told him, and he left.

And I don’t want to tell you how that went down. Seriously, if I get there today… Because yeah, I’ll keep my appointment. I have to, right? I let that slide, my ass is yours inpatient-style, and for who knows how long. Yeah, I’ll be there, but no. I’m telling you in advance, Pepper, I don’t want to “talk about it.” I don’t want to “explore my feelings,” or “share what’s going on,” or whatever other psychologist-psychobabble bullshit you want to throw at me. I’ll go in, I don’t know what I’ll do yet. Maybe I’ll tell you nothing, maybe…

Here’s an idea, why don’t I tell you Loki’s story? Would you like that, Pepper? Story about a kid who’s not out of diapers yet practically, he’s already getting labels thrown at him. He’s the bad one, the wrong one… I did some reading, Pepper. Manic-depressive? That one’s supposed to kick in when you’re about 30. And “bipolar,” that’s just another word for the same thing, and what is this bullshit about labeling a kid with that? And “borderline personality disorder”? And supposedly he’s got that _and_ manic-depression? Excuse me, Pepper, but that doesn’t sound like a diagnosis, that sounds like a kid you don’t understand, so you just throw names at him and you hope something sticks. And meanwhile the poor kid, he’s got this record, and it keeps getting longer and longer... He’s got all these “comorbid conditions”, and we all know what kind of a rabbit hole that is.

Okay, so you’ve got this kid: Comorbid conditions up the ass, he’s probably been drugged since he was in diapers. You’ve got this kid… Old saying, Pepper, “Give a dog a bad name, and then you hang him.” That’s this kid’s story. He’s always been the bad one, the fucked-up one. Meanwhile his big brother’s always been Mr. Perfect. Mr. He-Came-Out-Of-His-Momma-Perfect, lettered in High School, at the same sport as Dad, went to college and got his degree right away, and now he’s making good money. Mr. He’s-Got-A-Wife, meanwhile his failed brother’s… You know, his proclivities go in other directions.

God, Loki’s been behind the eight ball since Day One. No one’s ever cut him a break, not even once. And last night, because _you_ said so, I threw him out in the cold. Mr. Brave Anthony Stark, Mr. Hero, and I go, “Loki, I can’t let you stay here, Loki, you have to go back to your parents.”

He’s 21, by the way. Or so he says. He _says_ he’s 21, probably he’s lying… Aw, who am I kidding? I know he’s lying. But do you know what I _don’t_ know, Pepper? I don’t know if he’s going back to his parents. I don’t know if you could make Loki go back to his parents, even if you drove him there. I’ll bet you I could get into a cab with him, we’d be driving back there… I’ll bet he’d jump out in the middle of traffic, that’s how sure I am that he’s not going back there. He’s going straight to Hell, and I’m the one who sent him there. Thank you, Pepper. Thank you for one more crime on my overloaded conscience. This one’s got _your_ name on it, because I’m that scared of going back into McLain. …You know, of going back on inpatient-status, because of course I’m not out of the woods yet as it is ( _as you keep pointing out_ ).

…Loki left last night. End of story. End of story, and it’s… Oh lookie there will you? Look, it’s almost 7:00. And I meet with you at… I don’t have to meet with you until 11:00, and even with the cab ride, that means I don’t need to leave here for a couple of hours yet.

~~And I could have been banging the shit out of Loki right now. And then I would have fallen asleep with him in my arms. _Thanks again, Pepper._~~

You want to hear another story? Here’s a good one: Story about a kid that got straight A’s, he takes them home, Dad finds one thing on the report card. “Anthony is very good at drawing and paying attention at the same time.” “Very good”. You catch that, Pepper? See the tactful way he phrased it? Lot of parents would have let that slide, but not Dad. Oh no, he let me have it, and he wasn’t even drinking that day. Little Anthony went to school the next day with a sore bottom (and some bruises, places where his clothing would hide them). You’d think he’d learn from that, wouldn’t you? But oh no he didn’t, not our Anthony. Just one more step on his rapid and precipitous slide downward.

You want another story, Pepper? Oh, here’s one: Kid goes to his High School graduation, and he took some pills first… Not a lot of pills, not more than he can handle. Kid is very good by then, at knowing how many pills he can handle (and the tolerance thing hasn’t started to kick in yet). Kid needs them see, because he doesn’t want to be there. Kid’s getting… Oh, I don’t remember how many awards. A _lot_ of awards, like, a lot of fuckin’ awards, because remember, Pepper this kid was involved in _everything_. If it didn’t involve being out on a field in a uniform, kid was involved in it… Hell, I had a sport too, Pepper. Volleyball, that was my sport. You know how much respect you get, lettering in volleyball? I’m here to tell you, the answer is zero. You get zero fuckin’ respect. But you know, it was something that kept me from having to go home after school, so there I was on the volleyball team, tennis team during the spring. And I got _a lot of awards_. They kept calling my name, and I’d go up there. I’d go back and sit down, pretty soon they’d be calling me up again. All that afternoon, on these little wobbly folding chairs, in the middle of the football field, Jarvis up in the stands the whole time, Jarvis, in his fuckin’ morning suit, and wearing out his hands clapping for me, I don’t remember if Dad was there.

…Where was I? _Story_ , yeah, right… I’m not drunk right now, Pepper. And I didn’t take any pills. I thought about it… Oh Jesus _Christ_ how I thought about it, after I threw Loki out. First thing I do, is I break that bottle of brandy that was in the kitchen. Because appearances to the contrary, Pepper, I really do want to turn it around. I want a life for myself this time, I want to _do_ something, don’t want to go to my grave, and I’ve never been anything but Howard Stark’s worthless son.

Second thing I do… Oh, Jesus, the _second_ thing… And the third, and the fourth… Ad infinitum, all night long…

It wasn’t really. That’s self-dramatization. All the time it took for me to look at the kitchen knives, and then I ruled those out (because I can’t stand pain), and then I checked the medicine cabinet (which was bare)… There was one pill bottle in the apartment, Pepper, and that belonged to Loki. He’d left it behind. Bottle said lithium, and it was dated six months ago, and it still had… Well it was almost full, I think, and over the years I’ve gotten pretty good at gauging these things…

I’d have made him take his pills, Pepper. I’d have made sure he ate, given him someplace warm to crash out at night. … _And he’d have dragged me right down along with him,_ fuck you for saying that, Pepper, fuck you, because after you said it…

Because it’s true, Pepper. Fuck you for it being true. And fuck me, because I put my life ahead of his, and I made him leave. And he walked out into the night… Into the cold, and he wouldn’t take my coat. He was like, “You know what? Fuck you, Anthony, I don’t want anything of yours,” and he wore that big green thing that didn’t give him any protection, and he walked out the door to freeze to death probably (because I put my recovery ahead of him). And I went through that whole apartment looking for something that would stop what I was feeling, and I found nothing, and then I went out…

Not to my old friends, Pepper. I didn’t go to them, because…

Well I didn’t. I went to a café, Pepper. Midnight, in the café… Isn’t there a painting like that by somebody? And the lighted windows, so you can see inside, but the people… There’s no light in those people, because there’s no joy in sitting alone in a café at midnight, or 1:00 AM or whatever. And I drank coffee until I felt so jittery I couldn’t sit still, and then I hired one of the hookers.

Big fat old broad, and her make-up was all smeary, grey roots showing under her red hair. But I _wanted_ her like that, Pepper. You know me, you know I don’t swing that way, but I wanted someone…

I was telling you about my High School graduation, wasn’t I? What I remember most about it? The Principal at that school… And she liked me, Pepper. That was the thing, was everyone liked me there… They _admired_ me, you know? They thought I was going to do great things, because back then it was still realistic to think that I might do great things, back then I hadn’t thrown all my promise away yet. …And she liked me…

You’ve seen _Our Miss Brooks_ , haven’t you? Old maid schoolteacher in that? That’s what she was like, only she was fatter. And the _chest_ on her… Like the prow of a ship. And she had her pince-nez anchored on there, and when she’d get upset she used to lose it, and it would swing around all different ways. And we used to tease her, like when we had a sub in some period or another, we’d act up bad… We’d try to be bad enough so Mrs. Arbogast would have to come in there, and then we’d piss her off too. That was funny as hell, but the thing was, she still _cared_ about us, okay? No matter how bad we’d be, she still cared. She was like the Mommy none of us had ever had… Well, she was the Mommy I never had, anyway.

Thing I remember most about graduation: I’m up there to get my diploma, okay? And Mrs. Arbogast looks at me… Through her pince-nez, which was on her nose, right where it belonged. …She says, “Anthony, it makes me proud to give this to you, you can do great things, Anthony,” and…

Aw Jesus, Pepper. Well I might as well say it: What I wanted? I wanted to go to her, I wanted to curl up, put my head right there on that big bosom of hers… Right next to her pince-nez. I just wanted to _stay_ there, didn't want to leave the High School, didn't even want to leave the stage. Just me and Mrs. Arbogast, until... I don't know, until I got enough Mommying maybe?

And last night I hired that hooker, and that’s what I made her do, and we went home and I tried it… And I got a little sleep that way, but I sent her home pretty early (and I paid her double, so she wouldn’t talk about what we did together). And now I’m drinking some more coffee. And fuckin’ Pepper, you’d better not fuckin’ tell me that _that_ “affects my recovery” too, because if you do?

Fuck my recovery if you do, Pepper. You tell me that, I’m turning around, I’m running straight out of your office and finding Loki, and we’ll go down together, right to the fuckin’ _bottom_.


	6. Scarlet Billows Start to Spread...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our hero goes out looking for trouble with a capital T, and then brings some home.

I used to have this friend… Long time ago, during my jazz days, back then I used to hang out in all the clubs. It was the drug thing, yeah, but it was also because men… Well your jazz clubs they drew a certain clientele, lot of men on the edge. Back then, you even _looked_ like you wanted something with another man, you could get arrested. You think that didn’t happen, Pepper? I’ve seen it in action. It was just my good luck, someone always tipped me off when the vice officers were around. And you went to your gay bars, there was more of that, see? You were like a sitting duck, they were in there all the time. You go to the clubs though, you were there for a _legal_ reason. You just liked music, and we’d go in there, we’d listen to some blue horn out in front, maybe we’d try and pick somebody up in the back room afterward, before we went home.

And I had this friend… Sax player, not a very good one. Guy by the name of Cage. He and I shared _some_ proclivities, but not all of them, you understand. And we’d meet up in a club sometimes. I was the one who’d be falling-down drunk, you know, with the booze, on top of the pills and stuff. He’d be nursing a beer all night, maybe some nights I saw him have two. …Anyway, we used to hang out together, and he said something once:

See, a friend of his had called him. A friend who was in trouble, if you know what I mean? Guy had drank too much, maybe he took too many pills. I don’t know what it was, anyway, he called, and Cage was just ice-cold about it.

“Are you going to go pick him up?” I say.

Cage was like, “What’s the point? He’s an addict,” he says. “It’s only going to happen again. Am I supposed to go down with him?” he says, and it made a lot of sense, you know? Like, a _lot_ of sense. ...Didn’t stop me being glad none of my friends ever did that to me. God I made my friends pick me up so many times. Made ‘em call me an ambulance, take me to in the ER, the whole nine yards. I needed help, someone was always there for me, only, you know, after he said that, I… I don’t know, I guess I started looking at it different.

Anyway, all those years, and you know nobody ever asked me for help but only once, twice maybe. I guess they knew I couldn’t be counted on, not even that much. If you were in trouble, you didn’t go to Stark, that’s for sure. And then this week it happened. Someone called, asked me for help, and it was Loki.

No, not him asking. It was _about_ him is what I mean. You remember that friend of his I told you about? That Victor Somebody? He called. One night when I was sitting home alone just like every night, one night really late, and he’s like, “Loki gave me your number. If you take him back, you’re a chump, he’ll only steal from you like he did me.”

Me, I _know_ there were other reasons I shouldn’t have gone there. I mean, money? Are you kidding me? You know what kind of a tight leash I’m on right now, Pepper, what with the trust, and what with all the bills for McLain I’m still paying. All your wonderful services, you and the other head-shrinkers there, all the yummy chemical cocktails you used to give me before bed every night, etcetera.

Loki’s trouble, I know that. He’s not addicted-trouble, but he’s some kind of trouble, and that’s the last thing I need right now. …As you are always so quick to point out to me. I should have done like Cage. I should have stiffed the guy, just said, “Sorry Victor Whoever-You-Are, but no.” Only I didn’t, Pepper. I went.

And I find Loki in this… Oh, Jesus, Pepper, this donut shop. Bad part of town, and so _dark_. He’s in there, has a cup of coffee in front of him… Oh, and Pepper, the _prostitutes_ in there, and the junkies… Junkies are all about the sugar, and they were in there… I don’t know, maybe that’s where the dealers hang out.

And Loki’s there… No coat, of course, and his shirt’s only marginally warmer-looking than the one he had on the other time. And of course it’s raining. You know what it’s like this time of year, Pepper. …And he looks up with this evil look in his eyes. Look that says, “I know you’re here because _I_ need you, and I hate you for that.” I didn’t blame him, you know. Hell, I’ve been in the same situation, felt the exact same way.

And he’s still covering his tracks. He gives me this smile, like, you know, a “We’re fellow conspirators” kind of a smile. “I got Victor’s wallet off him anyway,” he says, and he pulls it out… With his hands still pale from the cold, even inside. Even with the coffee. And he opens it up. “Want a Diners Club card?” he goes, and he starts pulling everything out, then he shoves a card at me. “Macys,” he says. “Pay you for the trouble you went to.”

…Aww, Jesus, Pepper. What was I supposed to do? You know, if everybody acted like Cage? Let me tell you something, I’d be _dead_ if everybody acted like Cage. Have you ever stopped to consider that? I’d be dead, probably half the other guys who were in that program with me would be too. Or all of them, maybe.

Anyway, all I know, is I took him home. And he didn’t have _anyplace_ to stay, and Victor took him in, but only for one night, and then he kicked him out. And he didn’t have anyplace else, and he didn’t have any money. What was in the wallet, I guess he’d spent it, or… I don’t know, maybe Victor’s not the kind of guy who carries cash.

…And I can see you, Pepper. Even without being there, I can see you. I know how you’re going to be looking at me after you read this. I can hear you already: “Tony, after everything that’s happened to you? And you’re going to take a chance like this? You’re taking on someone else’s problems, what if Obie finds out?”

You won’t tell him, right? I mean, it’s not like I’m letting him stay here forever. There was last night, and there’s today. I’m going to make him call his parents. I haven’t, but I will.

And I know what you’re going to say about that too. And I remember how you always talked about addicts, how we’re nothing _but_ promises. What was it you said? “You have to stop living in the future tense, Tony.”

I don’t know, Pepper. I mean, I get it, but… I guess what it comes down to, is what if I don’t survive? What if Obie keeps hold of Mom and Dad’s money, and the company? What if I don’t beat the odds, Pepper? What if I go back on the drugs? You know how you were always telling us the odds are so slim. What if I’m not one of the lucky ones? What if I fall through the cracks, what if I die sooner, rather than later?

Right now I have _nothing_ that I can look back on and be proud of, Pepper. You know how it feels for a man 35 years old to say that? And have it be true?

A life of addiction, and never saving anyone, never helping anyone. And disappointing your family, and all your friends. And one by one you lose your friends, because of stuff _you_ did, and after a while you don’t have any friends left, nobody but other people who like what you like?

I never believed in all that religion stuff, Pepper. It always seemed too convenient, too easy. _Heaven_. Who even knows if there’ll be a Heaven, Pepper? Maybe we just die, and the worms eat us, and that’s it. Only if I can help _someone_ , Pepper. Even if it’s just Loki, that’s… Well, he’s coming to me for help, that’s saying something, right? That makes him lower than me. I mean, I’m in trouble, he’s in even worse trouble. But if I can help him…

I’ve heard guys talk about karma, which is supposedly a Buddhist thing, and if you do bad to somebody, that reflect s bad back onto you, but if you do good, then you’ll get some good back. I don’t know if I believe that. It kind of seems too convenient too, doesn’t it? But if I _can_ do something good, Pepper… Even just a little good, if I can just do a little good to someone, so I have something to look back on, someday when I’m dying…

Anyway, I am going to make him call his folks. That’s the best chance, is what I’m thinking. He calls them: Probably it’s a lie about them making him go in a loony bin. My experience, most loony bins don’t want you unless you’re in actual danger. Probably it’ll be a shrink. He’ll have to see a shrink a couple times a week. They’ll give him some more lithium, and this time he’ll really have to take it.

And I’ll be there, I’ll make sure he takes it, until… I don’t know, until he’s out of the woods? Or…

Just don’t tell Obie, all right? I mean I know you can, but you’ve always been straight with me so far. Just… How much longer can you give me, Pepper? Like, a week? Two maybe?


	7. Moment of Transition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our hero, Mr. Anthony Stark, gets some fun in his life for a change.

And so you “won’t break confidentiality unless I’m going to hurt myself.” That makes me so confident, Pepper. Everyone knows that little rule there isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. It’s good for about as long as the psychiatrist wants it to be good (which usually isn’t very long). But you do want it to be good. At least for now you do. I guess I should thank you for that, huh?

Okay, well thanks. I thank you. Loki thanks you, or he would if he weren’t seeing his brand-new, peachy-dandy keen Park Avenue psychiatrist that Daddy-O bought him right now. Because today’s his first appointment, as in, I got him to go. As in, we called Daddy-O… I called him anyway. Don’t say anything about that, Pepper. All that bullshit about, “We can only help ourselves, etcetera etcetera.” We’re talking survival here, and _you_ know it. So I wanted Loki getting whatever help it is he needs, so yeah, I guess that’s a crime, or it’s “doomed to failure,” or whatever. I stand by that. I wanted him to get help. I wanted a prescription, so he can take his drugs. His very legal, and very necessary drugs. Which I have researched. You know you can’t abuse lithium, Pepper? This will probably make you very happy, you know, just in case I got any ideas. Also ODing by lithium is like the most nightmarish thing there is, which will also probably make you relieved to hear about it.

And so anyway, Daddy Odinson: He basically thinks he’s God On High, and the rest of us are just peons, is how he comes across. I’m a peon… I’m not exactly sure if that’s for wanting to help Loki, or if I would be anyway. …Oh, Loki’s adopted too, by the way. Because Daddy-O says something to the effect of, “It must be something in the family history…”

He’s trying to _warn_ me, you understand? And he’s giving me this whole spiel about, “Oh, we’re not talking about a maladjusted child, and this is _serious mental illness,_ ” and something about his family history, and how it’s riddled with it. In this arrogant, too-good-for-everything kind of a tone he says it, he’s all, “Well there’s nothing in my family, or my wife’s, but after the first incident I went back and looked, and blah, and blah, and blah,” and the idea is, he’s going to scare me off.

Guy’s got Loki written off, is what. He thinks he’s going to die in a loony-bin (“like his mother”), but you know, he doesn’t have anything _against_ “his son,” he’s just trying to “ _warn_ ” me, and God forbid anyone might actually still think there’s a chance for him.

I don’t know if there’s a chance for him, Pepper. Maybe? Where there’s life there’s hope?

…No, I know there’s probably no chance. Probably. Where there’s life there’s hope though. **THERE IS FUCKING _HOPE_ , PEPPER, THERE IS HOPE FOR LOKI.** …Probably.

Anyway, I am not hurting myself, and I am not hurting anyone else. I am following doctor’s goddamn orders, so you’re going to keep your side of the bargain and not tell Obie. Right? Like you said last week?

And this week when I hop a cab to see you, Loki’s getting one and going to see his fancy-schmancy shrink too, because he said so. Because I’ll _make_ him go, Pepper. I’d drive with him, if it weren’t for seeing you. I _made_ him get an appointment. First available, Pepper, which was today, Monday, only a little earlier than mine. And we’ll leave together…

I don’t care. You know why I do it, Pepper? I do it because where there’s life there _is_ hope. There _should_ be hope. How can you see somebody… He’s like a bird, Pepper. Like this little, fragile bird, and you see him in the snow… Like a cat, okay? You know those cats you see, those skinny, starving city-cats… I see those things and I _always_ want to feed them.

…Or like one time we took a trip to Europe. That was right after the War, and we went to Italy… Right _after_ the War. I have no clue why we did it then, maybe it was Dad’s business (or maybe Mom had another doctor who would give her drugs), and we were in Italy, right after the War… God, the starvation you saw then, Pepper. All these kids and they were just starving, and there were so _many_ of them, Pepper. And I was, like, 10 or so. I wanted to play, you know how kids are. And I’d play with these kids, with these starving kids, and I’d end up giving them my food. Because you know, what do I know? I’m just this spoiled, American kid, I’ve always got food. And I’d have, like, Hershey bars and stuff, or… M &Ms. Those were new then, the idea was, they melt in your mouth, not in your hand, and Mom brought a lot of those things. And we had Smarties too, which are like Canadian M&Ms, only they’re even better. And I’d give all that stuff to those kids… To those kids I was playing with, and I’d go into the hotel room, I’d sneak out bags of that stuff. And oh, God, Pepper, their _eyes_. In those thin-thin faces they all had, and with their mouths smeared with the color from my M &Ms. And Dad spanked Hell out of me after he caught me doing it, and after that Mom used to give me some money, she’d say, “That stuff’s not good for them, here, if you have to help, Tony…” Just like I could solve the whole world’s problem, with a wad of lira, that still didn’t have any value, after Mussolini. _Christ_.

…Anyway, yeah. That’s what I think about sometimes when I see Loki. I look at his eyes, at those green eyes of his, that… They’re just… Sometimes I wish I were a real writer, you know? So I could explain this stuff better? Maybe that’s what I should do with my life. Hell, you can write anywhere, and you don’t need money, and you don’t have to have a lot of equipment. I can see it: Anthony Stark, best-selling writer. Only don’t writers always drink? Yeah, you wouldn’t like that.

Loki’s eyes. That’s where all the pain is, Pepper, is in his green eyes. The rest of him is like playing? Like, he’s always pretending, he’s putting on an illusion. And sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t, but it’s always there (but it never reaches his eyes). And sometimes when I see him I’ll think about those kids in Italy, and how it didn’t matter how many M&Ms I gave them, or how many worthless lira I gave them either. Because they were all going to go to bed hungry, Pepper, and I was at least going to get some supper. And I’ll think about them when I see Loki, I don’t know why.

…Anyway, yeah. You remember how I said he was like a cat? He’s spoiled like a cat too. Now that he knows I won’t throw him out, he acts like he’s entitled. And he’ll get the blanket off the bed, he’ll wrap up on the sofa with it until there’s just his pink nose showing, and his eyes, and they’ll be glinting like jewels, and if I’m going out he’ll be like, “Bring me back something Anthony…”

How he says my name, by the way. I think I told you about that? How he says it, and it comes out sounding like a caress (but there’s always a little insult hidden in there)?

“…Anthony,” he’ll say, “bring me something. Bring me some candy.”

And I always do. Hell, who can’t afford a dime for a candy bar? I’ll bring him that stuff, and I’ll say, “You’re going to get fat.”

He’ll be like, “Will you like me then?” Like, this teasing, playful voice, and he’ll be like, “You’ll still like me? You won’t throw me out when I’m too fat?”

God, as if I could throw him out. …When he’s like that I mean, Pepper, so don’t get any ideas. My _recovery_ , and blah blah blah, and “Anthony, you have to do what’s best for yourself.” Do you see me taking any drugs, Pepper? You see any drinking? Hell, I’m going to go in there on Monday, I’m going to piss into a cup just like always, and you’ll see. I am _clean_ , Pepper, as clean as the day I walked out of that misbegotten place.

…No, when he’s like that, that’s when I can’t deny him anything, because he’s so damn _cute_. And we have _lots_ of sex. Like all the time. And Loki is always the same, like, cuddly, and a little bit mean, at the same time. And he always likes it hard, way harder than I’d go with anyone else. And he’ll tease me, he’ll be all, “You’re so _vanilla_ , Anthony, you’re my own vanilla love-toy.”

Yeah, I’d be his toy… It’s nice seeing him like this, Pepper. It’s nice seeing him all spoiled again, like he was on the Island. Don’t think it means I’m forgetting everything that’s wrong with him, but…

But don’t I deserve a little fun too? And this is such _safe_ fun. No drugs, no booze, just, you know, “the sins of the flesh” and whatnot. Loki’s flesh, that’s so delicate, and the blood will come to the surface and it’s all pink…

Yeah, I’m not forgetting what you said about confidentiality. And I’m holding you to it.

And I got him a coat. Hey, don’t preach at me here, I know I don’t have money. Didn’t open a charge account again or anything, I bought this thing used. But it’s thick. And it fits him right, and it’s dark, like his dark, dark hair.

And Loki was like, “You’d do _anything_ for me, Anthony?”

And I was like, “Oh, yeah, yeah,” I was, you know, pretending and stuff. And he was pretending too. We both knew it was a game. I know there’s some things I can’t give him, and he knows it too. And I know how little hope there really is… Oh, I’m going to hold onto it as hard as I can, and see what I can make out of it, but I _know_. And I think Loki knows too.

Yeah, even if he’ll never admit it, he knows, all right.


	8. And a Brief Interlude of Full-On Sappy Seventies Romanticism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our hero's stray steps up a little, and shows he can take care of himself.

Loki…

You caught me, Pepper. Last Monday when I saw you? You were all like, “This isn’t Loki’s session, I’m not seeing Loki, Tony,” and you were all, “Talk about yourself, and next week you’d better bring in some stuff about _you_ , Tony.” Funny.

Also pretty weird. Like, I was seriously expecting you’d bust a gasket, about me just having Loki at the apartment. After the way you went off at me about him before? You can understand, right? I went in there I was like, “She’s going to give me shit,” I was all defensive, you know? Then I go in there, you’re all, “It’s _your_ choice, I can’t _tell_ you what to do, Tony.”

You can, you know. I mean, we both know I’m over a barrel. Unless I want to stay in this shithole halfway-house excuse for an apartment, with Obie in charge of _my_ money, and _my_ company… Should be mine, is what I mean. I’ve told you about StarkTech, Pepper. My _grandfather_ started that company. Hasn’t been a non-Stark in charge of it since… Well, until now there hasn’t. I _am_ going to get it back, that company is _mine_. I just have to jump through these hoops first is all. 

…What was I saying? Yeah, for now you tell me what to do, Pepper. You give the marching orders, Anthony Stark will follow them. Because I’m _motivated_ , Pepper. I am _not_ going to be the Stark that loses Granddad’s company.

…Actually, I seriously thought that would be Dad. I know I talk too much about his drinking, but Pepper, you should have seen him. Guy never saw life except through the bottom of a whiskey bottle for… God, it had to have been the last ten years of his life. He was _always_ stewed. Got so he could function pretty well that way, he’d be going around, only way you could tell he had a bottle or so of the stuff inside him was the smell. Then there were the times when all of a sudden he would be drunk… Oh Jesus, you did _not_ want to be around, those times.

I know, I know: “Talk about _you_ , Tony.”

Yeah, me: How’m I doing? Pepper, I am _great_. I’ll tell you, having regular sex really agrees with a man. That and seeing where you’re doing some good in the world. Pepper, you should see Loki. He is really stepping up, he is really taking some responsibility. I swear to you, when I took him in…

Well you remember, right? Because I thought it would be all about me, I thought I’d have to do all this stuff. And I was picturing, “Well, I’ll have to _give_ him his drugs, and I’ll have to _make_ him get in the cab for his shrink appointments, and I’ll have to…” I don’t know. I think I thought I would have to go get him off the street, and I don’t know, maybe go get that coat I got him out of pawn a couple times a week or whatever.

None of that, Pepper. Loki’s doing it for _himself_. And that too-cool attitude of his? Well that’s still there. I wouldn’t want that not to be there, that’s what makes Loki Loki.

I come home… From that so-helpful “community service” job you got for me. Thanks for that, by the way. Nothing like spending your days reading to homeless, mentally retarded orphans… Excuse me, _working in the senior center_. Not your most subtle one there, Pepper. What was the thinking? “I know Tony’s got issues with his parents, so I’ll go make him spend time with some old people that don’t have problems”? They do, you know. A lot of them do. And just so you know, it doesn’t make me feel all helpful and productive, or “heroic”, or whatever your thinking was. But I am motivated, so I do it.

…Yeah, I come home, nine times out of ten Loki’ll be on the couch watching the tube. And he doesn’t go out and see people, he doesn’t call his friends… I _told_ him he could, Pepper. I literally _said_ to him, “Loki, you can have people over, Loki, you can go out.” I offered him _money_ , Pepper… Which he turned down, by the way (and he folded my hand back over it, and he said, “Tony, I’ve already taken too much from you,” and he kissed me), just to give you a different perspective on him.

…I told him he could go out, and I offered to help him… You know, just give him a loan, because his dad, Mr. Stick-Up-His-Butt said the kid gets his allowance back. His words: “Loki, just let me see you’re being responsible…” This, you understand, is parent-speak for, “Jump through _my_ hoops, and I’ll give you what you want.” Who hasn’t been down that road before, Pepper?

Yeah, and who hasn’t had to jump through a few hoops in their life? You’re the one who told me, I think: “It’s just part of being an adult, Tony.” And that’s what I said to Loki, I said, “It stinks, I know it stinks, but hey, we’re both in the same boat here.”

“…We’re in the same boat,” I said, “because we let _them_ grab control over us, but it’s not going to last, Loki, because together we _can_ get through this, we just have to stick together.”

Loki just said, “I’m not taking your money, Tony,” and he said, “I understand that I acted crazy before, but it’s going to be different this time.” And he told me that he’s going to _stay_ on his meds this time, and he’s only going to stay with me until he can find a job. He says his shrink doesn’t want him working just now, which I can also totally relate to, you understand, but he said as soon as he does… And I told him about you and the community service, and he says he’s going to suggest that when he sees him the next time, you know, his fancy Park Avenue headshrinker.

…Anyway, for now he’s just laying around a lot of the time, but you know, I did that too. It’s part of the process, that’s what you’ve been telling me. And the community service thing, that’s part of the process, and then you know… It’s how you _earn_ your freedom, Pepper, because you said, and it makes a lot of sense: I’m the one that put myself in this situation, I’m the one that made the bad decisions, and if I ever want to come back from that, I’ve got to take the time to learn what good decisions actually look like. And Loki’s such a kid, you wouldn’t think he’d have had time to make very many bad decisions yet…

Pepper, what’s the success rate for a kid like that? I mean, you remember that kid that did the program with me. What was his name? Peter something? He was maybe Loki’s age, like 18 or so, wasn’t he? And he’d already had time to get hooked on… I don’t remember what he was hooked on. He was into journalism, I remember, so booze probably. All your reporters are drinkers. What are his chances, Pepper? Because I remember I tried to get clean too. When I was that age I tried, like, a lot of times, but I kept failing.

…Maybe it’ll take Peter a few tries, like it did me. Booze isn’t one that kills you really fast. At least you’re looking at something legal there, unlike heroin, where you’re at the mercy of your dealer. And pills… Well I keep saying, the thing with pills is the tolerance. Because that’s not _one_ addiction, you keep having to add more and more things. And after a while we’re talking a lot of addictions, and sometimes there will be illegal stuff in there. …Anyway yeah, I figure Peter can afford to try again if he fails this time.

But what about Loki? Because it isn’t booze or drugs for him, it’s just the emotional issues… I think… What was it you said? About how people can be addicted to other stuff too, I mean, wasn't that it? I don’t know, maybe he’s addicted to something like that. Like maybe it’s the sex, or the danger… Way he was living before I came along, there was a lot of danger. What he _isn’t_ though, is an addict in the conventional sense. That should make it easier for him to get better, shouldn’t it? …I hope. Because god, Pepper, if he shouldn’t… And if something really bad should end up happening to him…

You should never let anybody get this close to you, not somebody really disturbed like Loki. But god, Pepper, it’s too late. That kid’s wormed his way deep into my heart, Pepper, and it’s going to hurt…

Well he is going to leave, because of course he’s going to leave. I mean, he’s only 19, I’m 35. And he’s a New York kid… You know what I want for him, Pepper? I want to see him get it all. I mean, get the same chances his brother did, the schooling, the career, the whole nine yards. Because he could do it. I mean, I don’t think I’m dumb by any means, but Loki’s _smart_. He could ace college, there could be no limits for him. And I know Mr. Stick-Up-His-Butt would bankroll it, he as much as said so on the phone. I want Loki to have _that_. I want him to get the degree, and get the job, and… I don’t know if he’ll want to get married or not. There are a lot of doors you can only open if you’ve got a wife on your arm, and hell, I know you can find women who will turn a blind eye if you want some… _You_ know what I mean, right Pepper? A beard is what it’s called. I know he could find a beard. Hell, most of those society ladies don’t like fucking much anyway. …So Loki needs to go to college, and he needs to find his place alongside his brother, and as for me…

Hell, we’ve talked about it, Pepper. Once I split this program… Once I get control of StarkTech, we’re going into computers. In a big way. There’s a lot of money to be made there, and… God _damn_ , Pepper, the things some of these kids are doing! I want in on that. Hell, I even did like you suggested. I found a Radio Shack. Spent the last of my March check, and I bought some stuff. A circuit board is what it’s called, and from there you can… Way people are talking, I think the sky’s the limit from there, it’s all in how far you want to take it. And maybe right now I can’t take it very far, but I’m not staying where I am, Pepper, I _am_ getting control of StarkTech. After that we’re going into computers, which is a West Coast business, so it’ll be back to Los Angeles for me. Hell, I couldn’t stay with Loki even if he wanted me to. Long-distance romances don’t work anyway. I’ll be in LA, he’ll be in New York, and hopefully he’ll have found a wife.

There’s not much of a real future for you once you let on you’re homosexual, not even now, in the so-called “Swinging Seventies”. Loki needs a wife, and as for me… Well I guess I would not be averse either, not if I could find someone smart like you, who knew me like you know me, but, you know, she was still willing to put up with me anyway.

…And I know you’re going to read this, you’re going to be folding your arms, giving me that Pepper-glare you’re so good at. You’ll be like, “You’re living in the future again, Tony, time to bring it back to the present.” Okay, so here goes:

Present-tense, I’ve got Loki. I mean, _I have got Loki._ He lives with me (and I like that), he’s learning to take care of himself (and I like that even more), and he and I get along really good most of the time. And yeah, he spends a lot of the time on the couch watching TV, but that’s just right now, that won’t last. And yeah, he doesn’t do much to help out, but that can wait too, anyway, it’s not a big apartment, so it isn’t hard to keep clean. …And Jesus, Pepper, just to come home to somebody…

Just to walk in the door… And you know there’s going to be somebody in there, and you walk in, and there he is, smiling up at you. Aww god, that’s worth it all right there. Like, I would literally give up everything else, Pepper. Like, the sex (the very good sex), and the feel of his body next to mine when I wake up in the middle of the night, and knowing I’m making a difference for somebody for a change. I’d give all that up, just for the look of his face when I walk in the door (after a hard day of playing Bingo or whatever, with somebody else’s Grandpa).


	9. The Interlude is Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Anthony Stark does what's best for someone else for a change (hopefully).

Dear Pepper, I think you will find that I have been doing everything in order, by the book, and just like the doctor ordered this month. By the way thanks again for putting me on once-a-month status. It shows you have trust in me, it shows you understand that I’m trying to live right here…

I’m kind of getting the idea you’re the only person that understands that. You did say you thought I was ready for a job, right? You told me that? Apparently you forgot to tell Obie, because it’s been the entire _month_ now, and I haven’t heard a word. And we _have_ branch offices out here. There’s Stark East here in the city, and there’s a couple of others. Hell, I wouldn’t mind if he put me out at the factory in Buffalo. Hey, it’s a start, right? Just _something_ , just you know, some way that proves he understands I’m trying to do better. Because I _am_ trying to do better. And to tell the truth, reading _The Times_ to Grandma and Grandpa at the old folks home is starting to get old, no offense to Grandma and Grandpa.

…Yeah, where was I? Yeah that’s right, once-a-month status. Like that thing they do in A.A. ( _N.A._ , sorry): “Hello, I’m Tony, I’m an addict, and I’ve been straight now for 30 days.” Only it’s been how many days? Because first there was McLain... No, first there was the time in the hospital... When they pumped my stomach ( _again_ ), and I think they kept me there a couple days after that… So really I’ve been straight for… Damn, it’s got to be at least 100 days. And still counting. That’s a record for me, Pepper.

…So anyway I’m on once-a-month status, just one more step toward the future, but it’s one day at a time, and believe me Pepper, I get it, I’m not going to start getting out of line now. And I have _so_ much to tell you, with it being a whole month and stuff, and most of it’s really good. Like Pepper, remember the circuit boards? 

Stuff you _made_ me get from Radio Shack, remember? And you were all, “Oh Tony, you need a _hobby_ ,” and, “Oh why not _electronics_ , you like that, right Tony?” See the thing right now is, people are trying to miniaturize a computer. Like you know, giant room-sized thing, right? Like UNIVAC? Pepper, it doesn’t have to be. There have been _tons_ of advances since then, the thing is, nobody’s ever really tried to put it together with computing. And I got on this mailing-list. Lot of pencil-necks out on the West Coast mostly, like your standard pocket-protector/slide-rule kind of guys… Back when I was a kid we used to call them nurds. Lot of those guys don’t have any more education than I have, Pepper. Hell, there’s some that have less, I know a couple guys on there, I think they dropped out of High School. See the thing is, you don’t need education. Because the schools aren’t where it’s at, they’re not teaching any of this stuff. This stuff, Pepper, you learn it on your own.

And I’ve been learning some of it. I think I’m onto something… Not _just_ me, you understand. I’ve got a couple friends upstate, and we’ve been swapping ideas around. I think we’re going to get something built… All of us working together, we’re going to build it, Pepper, a working computer, and it’ll be… Well I was up to see the one guy. He works out of his garage… His mom’s garage, I should say. He’s got this table in there, like an old kitchen table from before they redecorated. Pepper, the computer’s going to be that size. Maybe it’s even going to be smaller than that. …And those guys, they’re really young, Pepper. Computing’s a young man’s game, I think I’m the only one on the mailing list that’s even over thirty.

35’s not that old. And I’m still in _good_ condition. Like, considering how I lived for a while there? You _know_ , I’m lucky I’m even alive. But I’m still in pretty good condition, and… My _mind_ , Pepper. My mind’s still in good condition, as in I’m still sharp, I’ve still got, you know, all my faculties and stuff. Minus the million or so comorbid conditions Pepper, my mind’s still in fine shape, I can still think as good as I ever did. I still have a future ahead of myself I know I do, and the future I want? Pepper, I want to be a part of this whole computer thing. …And I told the guys: “Anything I get...” Like, any money or anything? Whatever I can squeeze out of Obie, that’s for the _project_. And first we’re going to get one computer built…

Pepper, they are making computers that can _talk_ to each other. And don’t get any ideas that I’m going nuts on you, because I know it sounds nuts. I heard about that, first thing in my mind was Robbie the Robot. You remember Robbie, right? Like, “Danger, Will Robinson,” like that? This isn’t robots, and it isn’t just scientists hooked up to phone lines either, this is _actual_ computers, actually _talking to each other._

It’s a Defense thing of course, but see Pepper, that’s a win-win for me. Because you know we’ve got Defense connections. The company I mean, as in StarkTech has Defense connections. That’s ever since Dad built some planes for them, that was back during World War II, and I’m pretty sure he did some more Defense work after that. And I _know_ Obie’s been doing Defense work. He talks about that, you know. When he deigns to talk to me at all, I mean. He talks about it then, like, “Oh blah blah, high level negotiations with Robert MacNamara,” and, “Tony, I wish I had time, but blah blah blah, Clark Clifford, oh blah blah blah, Melvin Laird…”

He’s the new one by the way, Melvin Laird. A nice, _Republican_ Secretary of Defense, in honor of our Republican President, good old Tricky Dick. Be funny as hell if I get control of the company back while he’s still in there, and one day it’ll be me meeting him instead of Obie, and his eyes’ll pop out. Me and Dick Nixon, Pepper, the two comeback kids.

…Am I talking too much about the future here? Because I know you don’t like that. Sorry. The present’s really good, Pepper. I’m making stuff, I’m behaving myself, I’m showing up for the community service, just like I’m supposed to. …Oh, one change you might be glad about: Loki’s not living with me anymore. And how that one came about?

Oh, you know, same old same old. Daddy-O found out a little bit about who Loki was staying with, I think he set a detective on me. And he called, and he was like, “It’s _my_ money, and if you want to see a _penny_ of it,” and all this.

And Loki… Aww, Pepper, it made me feel… I don’t know, good maybe? Something like that? Because he was doing nothing but defending me, Pepper. He was like, “Dad, Tony’s been _helping_ me, and he’s been making me go to the doctor, and he’s been making me take my pills,” and all this, and he was ready to…

He was going all shoot-if-you-must-this-old-grey-head on the old man, total, “If you have a problem with Tony, well to hell with you, and to hell with your money,” like that.

But Pepper, I couldn’t let the kid do that. Dammit, Pepper, I want him to have a future, what future is he going to have with me? Because he needs to keep going to that shrink, and he needs the pills. …He needs an _education,_ Pepper. Maybe someday I can get that for him… _Could_ get it for him. Someday I _could_ get it for him, but he needs it now. And I told him. I said, “Loki, you’ve got to go…”

And he didn’t like it, and… I’ll admit it, Pepper, it was nice, really nice, having him say all those nice things to me, and it made me feel… something… When we said good-bye, and I saw the tears that came into his eyes, it made me feel something. But he knew I was just doing what had to be done, he knew you have to take the chances that are offered to you, you can’t sit around and wait for everything to be perfect.

And for a while my apartment felt… Look at me talking about my _feelings_ here, Pepper… By the way, why do addicts have to do that? Addicts and drunks, we have to talk about our feelings, but you look at the rest of the world… Go ahead, I’ll wait. You see men talking about their feelings out there? You know who talks about their feelings, Pepper? _Women_. …And addicts and drunks, because you guys _make_ us do it, and I am still undecided whether you’re doing any of us any good when you do that.

…So here I am talking about my feelings: Yeah, I missed Loki for a while. And I know he missed me, because he called me… He called me a couple of times. …And I wanted to call him, but there wasn’t a phone number. Because we had to keep it secret from the old man, of course, and I couldn’t call him at home, and there wasn’t any other place, so he called me… A few times, he called me a few times, like from pay phones and things. And I liked it, yeah, I’ll admit that.

And he was doing good. The last time he called, he was doing real good, like, taking the drugs, and going to all his shrink appointments, etcetera. And he said, “I’m coming back, Tony.” He said that, “I’m coming back, just as soon as I’m out from under Daddy’s wing.”

And I said, “Don’t…” Oh Pepper, I told him don’t… And I tried to explain, but of course he didn’t want to hear it. How do you explain to someone that their best chance is if you get out of the way? And he didn’t cry, because he’s brave like that, and I… Well you know, if one of you doesn’t cry, you can’t let him down... You know, I wasn’t going to burden him like that.

I was like, “Well maybe on the Island…”

And he was like, “Oh, Tony, I thought you wanted me to get a wife and a white picket fence?”

And I did… I mean, I do, so all I said was, “You know you’ll be better off.”

Are you happy, Pepper? Did I do the right thing? Because honestly, I don’t know… 

But that’s over now. It’s behind me, and I’m headed toward the future. And the future for me is in computing, I am very sure of that, Pepper, and it's that with the computers talking to each other, that I was telling you about. Internetworking is the word for that. First step is just getting that first machine built, Pepper, and after that, the sky's the limit.


	10. Fancy Gloves Though, has Old MacHeath, Babe, so There's Never, No Never a Trace of Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which is is ascertained that others besides our hero Mr. Anthony Stark may or may not be codependent.

You do know I would have checked on him anyway, right Pepper? I mean me personally, I thought it was codependent and all that shit. Remember when we talked about that? And you were all, “Oh Tony, that’s a good way of _ignoring your own issues,_ oh Tony, are you sure you’re not _enabling_ Loki, because wouldn’t you be helping him more if you _made_ him go back to his parents, and this and that, and blah and blah and blah?” Maybe I’m being dumb here, but that’s what I did. I _made_ him go back to his parents. I mean it took me a while, but I did it, and there I was thinking, “Well that’s what Pepper said, she will be so happy,” and so forth. Then I go in there last month and you’re all bent out of shape. You’re like, “Oh Tony, you didn’t,” and, “Oh Tony, are you sure that was the right thing to do?” And Pepper, here’s the deal:

No. I’m _not_ sure it was the right thing to do. I wasn’t sure at the time, and I’m sure as hell not sure right now. For all I know, I was sending the kid back to…

Well you _know_ what kind of thing I’m thinking, right? I mean, we’ve both seen kids like that. Like Peter, back at McLain… Remember? We talked about him before? Or like Clint… He’s not a kid now, in fact I think he’s about my age (but he’s a meth-head, and they age fast, so I could be wrong), but you remember when he would talk about his childhood? Remember the kind of things he’d say? And we don’t need to talk about my childhood I hope. You _know_ what kind of a fucked-up childhood I had.

Pepper, no one can do more harm to you than your own parents. This is a simple fact. And don’t give me any of that bullshit about, “You do the most harm to _yourself_ , Tony.” The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and if you have fucked-up parents, it’s nearly impossible you’re not going to end up fucked-up yourself.

And old Daddy-O Odinson, he means well. I mean you can tell he _wants_ to do what’s best for Loki, but he just doesn’t have a fuckin’ clue. He doesn’t get the kid, I mean he literally doesn’t get him at all. And he doesn’t seem to have much in the way of manners. I mean, when he’s in a good mood maybe? Although how would I know, considering I’ve never talked to him when he was in a good mood? I’ll tell you Pepper, you get that guy pissed off, he doesn’t know when to stop. It’s just diarrhea of the mouth, like, “known drug-user” this, and, “homosexual connections” that, and, “You _made_ my son…”

As if anyone could _make_ Loki do anything.

You know what I _made_ Loki do? I _made_ him take his pills. I _made_ him stay someplace warm, someplace safe. I _made_ him wear a coat that actually fit him for a change. Where was Daddy-O to _make_ him do any of that, Pepper?

…Anyway, yeah, Daddy-O has a temper on him, and he always seems to love aiming most of it at Loki (or anyone who helps him), and I knew it was a crap-shoot sending Loki back to him right from the start, Pepper, but what choice did I have? Where was _I_ supposed to get the money so he could have his pills, or see his fancy-ass psychiatrist on Park Avenue? 

I mean school, yeah, I could have managed school. He’s taking classes at City right now, Daddy-O told me (before he stopped talking to me, and told me one last time just how much of a “known drug-user” I was, and how horrible it was that I’d introduced his son to all these “homosexual connections”. As if Loki needed anyone else to introduce him to “homosexual connections”). …But yeah, he told me. Also I called City. They weren’t crazy about telling me, because I wasn’t a relative, but they did it: Loki’s registered there, and he’s taking 12 units, which isn’t a full load, but it’s good for a start. And I wanted to go and see him there, but I knew what Daddy-O would do if he found out about that, so I didn’t.

How is this _not_ codependent, Pepper? Aren’t I doing what you told me _not_ to do here? Didn’t you _tell_ me… Like a million times, Pepper, I mean it _was_ you. …You were all, “Focus on your own recovery, Tony, and this boy is a distraction, and, he’s way too troubled, and you’re not going to be able to help him, and you’ll just drag yourself down.” You said that, and you were the one who gave me all those lectures about my so-called “hero complex”. _You_ , Pepper. That wasn’t me, it wasn’t anyone else, _it was you._ Now all of a sudden you’re turning around and you’re all like, “Oh Tony, you sent him back to _those people_? Oh Tony, are you sure that was wise? Tony, _you have to watch out for Loki._ ”

Pepper, what the fuck did you think I would have done anyway? Only the difference here? You want to know what the difference was? See, I honestly thought you’d be mad that I was still watching out for him. See me being dumb and all, I was sure you’d say that was “codependent,” and it was “neurotic,” and just more of my “hero complex” coming out, and definitely it would “get in the way of my recovery”. And you know what Pepper? I still think that might be the way it is. Fact is, Pepper, I don’t think it’s so “healthy” of me at all to be always checking up on the kid, who is in…

He’s with his _family_ , Pepper. Isn’t that where underaged kids are supposed to be? I mean I know it’s not perfect. Daddy-O doesn’t get him, and who knows if Momma Odinson does or not… Loki used to always talk about her, and she’s definitely the one he loves, I mean he at least talks about her with love. For whatever that’s worth. Hell, I should know loving your mom doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a good person to take care of you. I mean look at my mom.

Loki’s _with his family._ And maybe it’s not the best situation, but it was the best I could do. He’s better off than he would be with me, I know that, because at least he’s getting his pills, and he’s seeing his psychiatrist… I hope. What am I going to do, Pepper? Go stand outside Mr. Fancy-Park-Avenue-Shrink’s building a couple of times a week and make sure Loki shows up? Like that _wouldn’t_ get back to Obie and get me in trouble?

I did it, you know. A couple of times I went over there. At the times when Loki did have appointments, you know, at the times when the appointments were that I’d set up for him. One time I saw him. I’m thinking probably Daddy-O made some new appointments for him at a different time, I’m sure he’s still going… I hope.

One thing anyway, no one’s seen him at any of the bars… _You_ know the kind of bars I mean, Pepper. I go to them… Some of them.

See Pepper, there’s more than one kind of homosexual bar in New York. There’s some that are just for hanging out. Like, it’s all guys, with maybe some gals in there too, and maybe we… You know, maybe sometimes you’ll go home with someone that you met there. You have to be careful you don’t get an undercover cop at some of those places, but that’s not as bad as it used to be. These days you don’t have to be as careful. Those are the kind I like, Pepper… When I go to bars, because of course when you’re on the wagon that takes some of the fun out it it. But I’ll go there. Just to meet people I’ll go, just to talk to guys that are going through the same things as I do now and then, and maybe… Maybe yeah, maybe I’ll meet someone and we’ll get together a few times at his place or at mine.

Loki likes the other kind of bars. The kind where… Well you’ve heard of S&M, right? Like, _Story of O_ , bondage and leather (and a lot of disgusting stuff, like golden showers, and cleaning up after your Master and all this)? You’ve heard of that, right?

Because you must have. You ask me, S&M is fucked-up as shit. I mean that’s not homosexuality, that’s just wrong, it’s just disgusting. You must have had some patients who were into that sick stuff, Pepper, because Kinsey says homosexuals are 10% of the population, and it seems to me it would be the neurotic ones who were into that stuff.

Loki’s into that stuff. Or he was, hopefully he’s not any more. And if he doesn’t get a wife, Pepper, what I want most… I’ve known some guys who didn’t marry. Homosexual as they come, but they just never bothered. Some smart guys, and some talented ones, and some pretty high up in the government. Like, Pepper, you ever wonder why J. Edgar Hoover stayed single? Or Roy Cohn… You know him, right? He was McCarthy’s right-hand man, and he’s still the go-to guy if you’re a Republican. You better believe Nixon’s in with that guy, and he never married, he’s just, “Confirmed bachelor Roy Cohn.” I’d be okay if Loki ended up like that. If he found a guy to live with him, like Clyde Tolson lives with J. Edgar Hoover, or… I used to remember the name of the guy Liberace lives with (because he is _completely homosexual_ , Pepper, which ought to be obvious by the way he always treated his mother).

…Yeah, let Loki get a wife if he wants one, and if he doesn’t, let him get a guy like that. Someone who shares his life with him, he’s not into that sicko stuff, he just lives with Loki, and they take care of each other. That’s what I want for him, because that’s what it takes to be happy. And all that disgusting S&M bullcrap, that was a symptom of his neurosis. He’s not doing it now, at least he’s not going to any of the leather bars, I know, because I checked, and I hope he’s given it up for good.

And Pepper, be honest with me: You’ve got a thing for bad boys, don’t you? That’s what all this was about. I mean, as if I wasn’t enough of a bad boy for you, but there comes Loki, and he’s got Doomed, Tormented Genius written all over him… You didn’t even have to see him, you just heard me telling about him, suddenly you’re in his corner as much as I am. And yeah, I would have looked out for him even if you hadn’t said. And I still think that’s being codependent, Pepper, the only difference is now I know you’re codependent too.

And thank you for asking (which you didn’t), I’m still doing all the stuff I’m supposed to do too. And I took your other advice: Stop waiting around for Obie? Go get a job for myself? You’re looking at a Radio Shack assistant manager, Pepper… I mean, you will be when I go in. It’s part-time, and I get an employee discount, which comes in real handy for buying computer parts… See me, Pepper? See how I’m planning for the long-term as well as the short-term like you said?

What say you give me a clean bill of health so I can go in and take back control of Dad’s company? You could do it you know, Pepper. I mean, I’ve been what? 130 days straight now? 131? Annual meeting’s coming up, and they have to vote on the CEO. I’ve seen the documents, they _have_ to have a Stark in there if there’s one available. I could be available, it would be so easy. All you’d have to do is sign off on my recovery, and you know I _have_ recovered. And I’d still watch out for Loki, Pepper. I know we’re your two favorite bad boys, and I will do all I can to keep both of us safe.


	11. There's a Tugboat, Down by the River Don't Ya Know,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our hero's protective instincts are alerted.

Loki’s okay. I saw him… You don’t know his psychiatrist, do you Pepper? I mean I know I haven’t told you much. Fancy Park Avenue shrink, and I think maybe I told you where his building is. Did I tell you that? But Loki Odinson is not a name you find very often, and who knows? I don’t know what you shrinks talk about when you’re with each other. _Do_ you know him? And if you do know him, you wouldn’t talk about the stuff I said, would you? That falls under patient confidentiality?

I remember what you told me: If I’m going to do harm to myself, or if I’m going to do harm to somebody else… And it has to be real harm, right? Because I know how you guys operate. Hell, I remember _you_ telling me I couldn’t let Loki stay with me, because that would do harm to me. I mean we are talking about actual physical harm here? As in if I said, “I’m going to go out and shoot Obie…” Not that I would. And even if I did say that I’d be joking, but yeah. I say, “I’m going to go shoot Obie,” or I say, “I’m going to shoot myself…” Which I also wouldn’t do. …I say, “I’m _really_ going to hurt somebody,” and you know that I mean it, that’s when you talk, right? As in, only then?

Because I saw Loki… And Pepper, if I ever have _any_ reason for thinking you told _anyone_ … I saw him. It was his idea.

You know, you couldn’t do _me_ any harm at all by talking about this. I mean, who would you tell? Obie doesn’t give a crap. Obie doesn’t know Loki, he’s never met him. And it’s not like we were… you know. It’s not like we _did_ anything together. This was a meeting, just two friends that see each other, they talk for a while, maybe they go out and get a sandwich or a cup of coffee…

I paid. Because he didn’t have any money on him. Which is _so typical_ of Loki.

…Yeah, Obie’s not going to care that I met some guy named Loki, because there’s nothing there that he can use on me. We weren’t drinking, we weren’t doing drugs, we weren’t having sex… And I’m sorry Pepper. I know it’s the thing nowadays to say, “Oh, gay is good,” and a homosexual man is just the same as anybody else, he has just the same rights and all this. I’m sorry. It’s still against the law, and it’s still a mental illness. You come and talk to me when they take it out of your precious DSM Whatever-It-Is, Pepper. Until then… Anyway though, we weren’t doing any of that. We weren’t doing anything prosecutable, nothing that could get old Anthony E. back on inpatient status at McLain. It couldn’t do _me_ any harm, not even if the whole world knew I’d seen Loki, but him… Oh, Pepper…

We met. You know how warm it’s been lately… I guess you do. Still cold as fuck up here, but down in the city it already feels like summertime. _Smells_ like summertime too, but yeah. …I’m over at City. There’s this class Loki takes. I guess he has a class. Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. So happens Monday’s my day off, and I’ve been over there…

 _You’re_ the one that told me to watch out for him, right? So I’ve been over there a few times. I’ll go on Mondays. Catch just the right bus down at the corner from my apartment, I can be on campus when they’re letting out, and I’ve seen Loki, I’ve seen him a few times now.

He is doing _good_ , Pepper. I mean, he’s still going to classes. Hell, that alone? Considering what he was like when I first met him? Yeah, he’s doing good. And he’s looking good, like, not as thin, and his hair’s always so smooth and shiny. It’s shorter now… His hair I mean. …It’s shorter, probably Daddy-O made him cut it, but Pepper, you can’t stop Loki being Loki. Poor Daddy-O, he is fighting a losing battle. And Loki’s got his hair cut chin-length. You know, like a Prince Valiant kind of a thing? And it’s always so clean and shiny, and his face, still pale. God only knows how he keeps himself all pale like that, with it sunny all the time now, but oh god, it’s a good look on him. …And no more secondhand clothes. And it looks like he’s been picking his own clothes… Daddy-O might not know what clothes like that mean, Pepper, but I’ll tell you, take that kid down to Greenwich Village, he’d be giving out signals you could spot a mile away.

…Anyway, I’m there… This was last week, Pepper. I’ll go over, you know, on Mondays, because it’s my day off, and I’ll try to get there in time so I can see Loki. If he went to class that day, I can see him, and he’s been going pretty regular. And if I see him, I’ll be in a good mood. It’s nice to see the kid’s okay. I won’t bother him, because I don’t want to get him in bad with Daddy-O, but I do like to see he’s all right. And there’s this coffeehouse across the street… One of these college-kid hangout type of places, dark, and espresso, lot of girls all in black, maybe bongo drums on the weekends. I’ll go over there and maybe get a cup of coffee after I see Loki (because you know me, Pepper, I am _straight as they come now_ ).

Then last Monday I’m there. I’m watching Loki, I’m thinking… You know, I’m feeling pretty good, because there he is, and he’s still looking good, and he’s still going to class.

And it was such a _nice_ day, Pepper. You know how the city can smell sometimes? Like, when it’s hot, and the humidity’s bad, and the air’s not moving? All you smelled that day was flowers. Just flowers, maybe a hint of exhaust when a truck went by. There was something blooming, roses maybe, or tulips. There was a whole bed of them, these red flowers, like an island in the middle of the walkway where Loki goes. And he walks by… He goes past those flowers, and his clothes are all green, just a light jacket, because it’s so warm, and his hair dark, and healthy, and bouncing, you know how hair does when you’re taking really good care of it.

And he _looks_ at me, Pepper. He turns, and he gets this smile on his face. And it was such a typical Loki-smile, Pepper, so teasing, and like he’s laughing at me a little bit. …And he looks at me. He’s like, “Anthony?” And he comes over. He’s like, “Anthony, all this time you’ve known where I was, why didn’t you talk to me, Anthony?”

Aww, that voice of his, Pepper. That voice, like he’s laughing at you… It _does_ something to me, Pepper, every single time.

I was like, “You knew where I was, you could have called.”

And this… I guess you’d call it a shadow that went across his face when I said that, Pepper. And just for a minute there was sadness in his green eyes. Aww, Pepper, I don’t know what it is. It seems like I’d do anything to keep there from being sadness in his eyes, Pepper, I don’t know why.

But it was only there for a minute, Pepper. …The sadness, I mean, it was only there for a minute, and then he was teasing me again. He’s like, “I suppose _that’s_ an excuse for not talking to me? I suppose you thought Father’s got a hidden camera on me? Was that what you were trying to protect me from, Anthony?”

Aww, just to hear him say my name again. Just, “An-tho-ny,” the way he does it, like it’s teasing, but it’s like… Here’s me being writerly, Pepper: It’s like a _caress_ when he says my name (there’s a fine four-dollar-word for you), it’s like the feel of his hand, running along my bare arm, or when he strokes my hair back from my face. And it had been so long…

“Father can’t watch me all the time,” Loki says. “And even if he could, what do I care? A man’s got a right to have some friends.”

And I’m like, “You know it’s not like that.”

And he looks at me. Sadness in his eyes again for another minute or so, and then he goes, “Well he can’t watch me all the time, anyhow. What have you been _doing_ with yourself, Anthony?”

We went over to the coffeehouse, Pepper. It’s dark in there, no one can see who’s with who, or what they’re doing or anything. It’s not the safest place you can go, because a lot of people take advantage of the darkness. I’ve seen guys dealing drugs, I’ve seen lots of homosexuals holding hands across the tables. Loki’s still so _innocent_. You wouldn’t think he would be, after the life he’s led, but aww, Pepper… He takes me over there, and it’s obvious he thinks it’s the safest place in the world. He thinks we’re just being covert as hell, we’re practically Russian spies, we’re being so covert. I let him, Pepper. Just that once, I let him. From now on we meet someplace safer.

And he’s still as demanding as always. You go up to the counter to order at these places. We go up there, this beatnik-girl with dirty hair and a lot of mascara asks us what we want. And we order coffee, girl asks, “Do you want something else?”

You ever been to one of those places, Pepper? Bet you haven’t. You were a straight-arrow in school, weren’t you? Total Goody Two-Shoes, like, don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do, like that? Bet you’ve never been to a coffeehouse, probably never even _saw_ any reefer or anything have you?

Those places, the menu always _stinks_. And it’s even worse now. Kids are all deciding they have to be vegetarians these days, and you’ll go into those places and you can’t get a hamburger or anything like that. It’ll be all these weird kind of things, like a falafel-sandwich. …Or you’ll order a cheese sandwich, something simple like that. It’ll come out with some kind of weird cheese on it, something really stinky, and all these _alfalfa sprouts,_ that get in your teeth when you try to take a bite.

…So anyway, I was like, “I’ll have a ham sandwich.”

And beatnik-girl allowed that yeah, there might be some ham, somewhere on the premises.

And Loki was like, “Well I don’t have any _money_ on me…” When _he’d_ been the one to invite _me_ for coffee.

…So I was like, “Well order anything you want.”

He starts in, and he wanted a falafel-sandwich, he wanted extra sprouts, and some tabbouleh (whatever that was), and all these other things. And I didn’t care. Beginning of the month, plus I still had most of my paycheck from Radio Shack. I was like, “The sky’s the limit, get whatever you want,” and when beatnik-girl finally brought us our food, I’ll tell you, those skinny beatnik-arms of hers were _bending_ from the weight of the tray.

And the last thing on the table was a plate of baklava… You had that, Pepper? It’s like these little pastry-things. Like, really sweet, lots of nuts in there, and all this gooey, honey-stuff. Loki ordered two of those, and he takes one, he takes a bite. “Here, Anthony,” he says. “Have you ever tasted one of these?” And he reaches across the table, he puts it to my mouth… The place he’d bitten from, so that my mouth was right where his mouth had been… I don’t know if he did it on purpose, but it’s all I could think about. And naturally, I took a bite (and it felt intimate, almost like I was kissing him). And he looks at me. “Good?”

Well it wasn’t. Baklava is way too sweet for me. But I wasn’t thinking about that, all I could say was, “Yeah.”

Loki was like, “Not as good as this.” And he leans across the table… Pepper, he kissed me. Just that one time. Poor kid has no idea where’s dangerous and where isn’t, Pepper, that’s the only reason why he did it.

And I’m like, “Loki, do you know what you just did?”

He’s like, “Everyone else in here is doing it, why shouldn’t we?”

And I was like, “You _know_ why.”

We are going to meet again, Pepper, but someplace safe from now on. Loki doesn’t know everything. He thinks he does, but he doesn’t, and no way am I letting him throw away everything his father can do for him just because of me.

And I know I’m talking a lot about Loki, I should be talking about me. I am _fine_ , Pepper. Job’s going great, and I’m still on-schedule with the long-term plans I was telling you about. I forgive you for not clearing me in time for the Board Meeting last month. Hell, you just thought you were doing your job. It is okay, Pepper. I’m straight, I’ve been straight for almost 200 days now, and I’m going to stay straight, but I know with a record like mine, people are going to be skeptical.


	12. With a Cement Bag, Just Droopin' on Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony E. Stark, and _poetry_.

Loki is a poet. I mean a _real_ poet, you understand, none of that, “If it’s on the back of an album cover it’s poetry, hey everyone, why don’t we teach kids “The Sounds of Silence”? In _school_? And it’s _poetry_ , you dig?” No, Pepper. Loki is a real poet. A Keats, and Yeats, and Norton Anthology kind of a real poet, and he reads poetry all the time, and he writes it.

Stuff he writes… I don’t understand most of it, you’ve got that, right? And I don’t always know if it’s his stuff he’s quoting at me, like the other day…

Aww, Pepper, the other day? Because you know we’ve been meeting, right? Don’t forget what you said, Pepper: Unless I’m going to hurt someone… As in _really_ hurt them, real, physical _harm_. As in _right now_ I’m going to hurt them, and you have to tell them to protect them. Unless it’s something like that, you can’t say _anything_ , and I’m going to hold you to that. And all we do is get together, and after that first time it’s always been someplace safe.

Not really. I mean, not really safe. Hotels, Pepper. We go to hotels. And I’ll watch to be sure we’re not being followed… Does Loki watch? Probably not. I wish he would. Hell, I wish we didn’t have to do any of this, and I keep telling myself, his dad’s going to find out, one day his dad’s going to find out, but he’s free, white, and… He is 21 now, Pepper, he is of age, technically speaking he can do whatever the hell he wants. …But we both know he still needs Daddy’s money.

And I’ll watch while we’re going to …whatever hotel we’re going to that day. Usually it’s a cheap one. I’ll watch, I’ll think, “We can’t keep doing this, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to get him in trouble.” But there’s never any doubt we’re going to go, Pepper. God help me, there’s no doubt at all.

And the other day we were together… School lets out in a couple more weeks, Pepper. I don’t know where we’re going to meet then. …At that hotel, we were together, in that lousy, cheapskate hotel room. Smelled like cockroaches in there, Pepper, and I think I saw one. Smelled like all the people who’d had sex in there before us. But you know, you’re okay with that, you know what I mean? Sometimes all you need is for that one person to be there with you, and you’ll put up with everything else.

And there was this poem Loki was reciting. Don’t ask me to recite it. Hell, I probably burnt my brain out with all the pills and booze, right? Some of it, yeah, but not all of it. “The soft look your eyes had once,” that’s how part of it went. “Take this book down, and slowly read and dream about the soft look your eyes had,” and something about “The one man, who loved the pilgrim soul in you.”

…The pilgrim soul in you. That’s so pretty, right? And there was something about, “Your changing face… The sorrows of your changing face...” I should look it up, but you know me. I don’t even _have_ any books at my place. Not real books, anyway, not poetry.

Maybe I’ll swing by the library before I meet you the next time, see if I can look that thing up and write it down right. It was by Yeats, is what it was, because I told Loki, “That’s so pretty, did you write it?” And he laughed at me…

Hell, you want to talk about the _soft_ look in your eyes? His eyes were soft-looking… While he was saying it, I mean. They were soft, and cloudy, and his voice was so soft. Then I asked that about if he wrote it, and that broke the spell. And he laughed at me, and he said, “You’re lucky you’re good in bed, Anthony.”

That was that poem by Yeats. Loki’s written ones that are just as good though, just as pretty, and they make just about as much sense. …Which is zero sense of course. Not to me anyway. You know me, I’m a man of action.

“…Did you write it about me?” That’s the other thing I said to him. You know, before he said it was by Yeats? “Did you write it about me,” I say, and he goes, “God, the _ego_ on the man. Do you also think the world was created for you, Anthony?”

And I say, “The world wasn’t created.” You know, big bang theory, yadda yadda yadda. I’m an atheist, I don’t know how anyone could believe in religion.

And Loki was like, “I don’t believe in Heaven, but I know there’s a Hell…”

Where was I? Yeah, he’s a poet, that’s what I was saying. But he’s not _majoring_ in poetry, you understand. No way Daddy-O would go for that, Daddy-O’s got him majoring in business, his idea is he’s going to follow in the old man’s footsteps, go into the family business. They’ve got a company, see, Pepper. One of the places I can _really_ identify with Loki: You think it’s bad being the _one_ prince? Daddy Odinson’s had the two of them fighting for the crown ever since they were _born_. There can only be _one_ CEO (and we know which Odinson kid’s got that one sewn-up, now don’t we?).

Yeah, so the idea is, Loki will major in business. It’s a good solid thing to major in, I can kind of see Daddy’s point. I’ve _told_ Loki: His brains, and my imagination. Once I get my company off the ground… This is assuming I haven’t gotten control of StarkTech back yet. …I know I don’t have a business-brain, my skill’s more in the _technological_ aspect of it. I’ve told Loki, he will always have a place with me, and a damn good one. Or he could write his own ticket anyplace else…

I told him: “You come to us. Tell us what they’re offering you, we won’t just match it, we’ll _double_ it. Or we’ll offer you stock options,” you know, depending whether we’ve gotten the company into the black yet by the time he graduates.

Company, by the way, is coming along _great_. We’ve got our seed-money…

Pepper, talk to me about why you haven’t signed off on me yet. Why? And no crap about comorbid conditions. Do you know how of the Fortune 500 have comorbid conditions? Like, all of them? Like, Parker Hellman? Head of JPL? Guy drinks like a _fish_. And McCaughey from Cessna’s had at least one nervous breakdown, and Travis Edlund from IBM is a closeted homosexual, the whole town knows it. Don’t talk to _me_ about comorbid conditions, Pepper. I am not buying it.

So why? Stop stringing me along. 230 days straight, Pepper. 230 days _and_ counting. How many of the guys from my graduating class can say the same?

Give me my clean bill of health, Pepper, it’s time and past time. Do you know what it means that I… You know where our seed-money came from? Larry’s _mother_ , Pepper. His dear, grey-haired old mother. It was the money she saved all those years as a Gold Star Mother. _Christ_ , Pepper. That a Stark should have to… That it should come to that, that Howard Stark’s _son_ , should have to be taking money from a kid… Whose dad probably died, flying a plane with our tech in it… An _orphan_ , Pepper. I took money from an _orphan_ , that’s where I got the seed-money.

_Jesus._

Pepper, darling. My wonderful Dr. Pepper, the bubbly sparkly effervescence, at the heart of McLain. Pepper, who is the _spirit_ of McLain, of all that is good in that place, dear Pepper, how hard would it be? Sign off, Pepper, I’ll take it to Obie, I’ll get control of _my_ money back again. I’ll keep seeing you, I promise. I’ll keep seeing you as long as _you_ want me to. 

…But we have our seed-money now at any rate. However it was we got it. …We’ve got our money, and we’re just about to finalize the prototype. We can have production up and going by the summer for sure, by August anyway.

We’re ready to start _hiring_ , Pepper. And rent a facility, and the equipment we need to put in there. So I told Loki, “You’ll always have a place with us,” because he was telling me, Pepper. He was saying how he didn’t believe there was a future for him in business.

And I was like, “If your brother can do it, you can do it, Loki. You have _brains,_ ” I said. “I’m jealous of your brains, Loki.”

I told him all this stuff, Pepper. And some of it was true, but some of it? Pepper, he needs to hear people building him up. Because he didn’t get enough of that when he was growing up.

And I said, “You’re smart, like, crazy-smart,” and you could see it on his face while I was saying it, Pepper. All that stuff I was saying, and you could see some of the cloudiness going out of his eyes while I was saying it. And after a while he started smiling. And I said, “I’m jealous…”

He was like, “You should be jealous.” And he laughed, at me some more. “You know I just keep you around for your good looks, Anthony,” he said.

He’s going to work with me, Pepper. I figured it out: We’re going to get the company off the ground… J.A.R.V.I.S. Systems… The initials are for the six of us that are in on it. …We should have that on a really solid footing by the time Loki graduates, Pepper… Or… You know. If you can see you way clear with the _clean bill of health_. Maybe it’ll be StarkTech, and J.A.R.V.I.S will be a subsidiary. …Loki will always have a place with us, and I’m thinking it’ll be a good one.

Poetry is a good hobby, that’s what I tell him. And I say, “Read me one of your poems, Loki, read me another one of your poems.” And he will. And nine times out of ten it’ll be a love poem, he writes such _beautiful_ love poetry, Pepper. You just want to close your eyes and listen to it.

…And once we’ve got the company off the ground, Loki won’t have to worry about Daddy-O. Like, there is literally _nothing_ the man will be able to do with him. He’ll have his own house, he’ll have his own money. And if he wants to go back and get more education? If he wants, say, a degree in poetry or something? Hell, talk about the prestige: Having a bona-fide _poet_ on the board of your computer company.

And I’ve thought about asking him to live with me, Pepper. Not now, but… You know, then? Once I have the company off the ground and I can offer him a salary? I don’t know though. That ought to come from him, don’t you think? I don’t want to tie the kid down.


	13. That Cement is There, Just for the Weight, Dear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our hero discourses some about the city in summertime.

Nobody wants to be in the city in the summertime. Pepper, you’ve lived in New York, right? You know what it’s like? Round about Memorial Day, everyone leaves that can. As in, if you’ve got a job that _makes_ you stay here, you stay here…

You also know that I _don’t_ have a job that _makes_ me stay here. I mean, you know it’s a jive. Assistant Manager at Radio Shack? It’s a joke. You and I both know I just took this job so I’d look good for the Powers that Be. I was ticking off the boxes: 30 days straight? Check. Unblemished record at that bullshit Roach Motel/Halfway House-Apartment where they made me go after I got out of McLain? Check again. And, community service? Double check. And a part-time job? Working at a place that’s beneath me? Doing a job any _monkey_ could do? Like, they could seriously get J. Fred Muggs, they could give the job to him, and he’d do just fine. …Yeah, that job. That I only took because of…

Well, you _know_ why I took it, Pepper.

…By the way, I went back and looked at my paperwork from McLain. You really signed me up for the deluxe package there, didn’t you? While I was unconscious… As in, I was literally _unconscious,_ and Obie came in and signed all the paperwork for me, and you guys set me up to go through the whole program. A year? Pepper, really, a whole _year_?

I think they give you a t-shirt at NA, after a year. All I’ll be getting is a clean bill of health… Which you _know_ I deserve right now, Pepper. 261 days and counting. You’re going to tell me anyone I was in there with is doing as well as that? Are you even keeping in touch with any of the others?

Actually, I know you aren’t, so you couldn’t bullshit me even if you wanted to. I’ve got the paperwork, remember? I saw it. Someone inked out where it said three months, wrote in a year up above it. Whose handwriting was that, Pepper? I’m hoping Obie’s. I wouldn’t like to think you had anything to do with that one.

You could countermand it, you know. You have the authority. I saw where it said about your title there: Supervising Psychiatrist for the Substance Abuse Ward. I feel honored. My case is being handled by a _Supervising Psychiatrist._. Don’t tell me you couldn’t countermand that about it being a year. I’ve already passed three months. Hell, I passed three months… How long ago? We’re going on _nine_ months now, aren’t we?

Nine _months_ straight, Pepper. Maybe that doesn’t mean anything to Obie, because he wants control of Dad’s company (and _my_ money), but you’re not Obie, are you? You’re the _Supervising Psychiatrist for the Substance Abuse Ward_. Have a heart, Pepper. Give me credit for time served.

…Anyway, where was I? About the _summer_ , right. You know it gets hot as fuck here in the summertime, and it gets humid. And it stinks… When was it you lived in New York, Pepper? How long ago? We have _garbage strikes_ now. As in Mayor Lindsay, who by the way, doesn’t seem to know his ass from a hole in the ground, and if I am still stuck here next election day, I am definitely not voting for him… Anyway, he keeps fighting with the unions, and there’s all these strikes. Try living in New York, and there’s a garbage strike on. Especially during the summer.

…Yeah, everyone leaves that can leave. Day after Memorial Day, and the city’s like a ghost town. All the fun people are on the Island, all the Mommies and Daddies have sent Junior off to some camp in the Catskills, or maybe they’ve gone with him to their beach house on Nantucket. The place is empty, and us working stiffs start to get lonely, and if you don’t have a job…

Loki doesn’t have a job.

Loki: He shouldn’t be in town, Pepper. He should be someplace enjoying himself… I know where he’d like to be, and I know there’s a _huge_ contingent of his old S &M crowd on the Island this year. As in I was there… Memorial Day weekend, I went. I wanted to take Loki with me, but you know how that would have gone over with Daddy. I was scared he’d find out, and Loki laughed at me about that, and he said, “Tony, you’re so _cautious_ ,” but he knew why I was doing it, Pepper. I think he likes having someone around who wants to protect him.

…Anyway, I was on the Island, and I saw a lot of them. Vic Doom was there, and Norm Osborne, and all that crowd. You get so you recognize the faces. I _know_ where Loki would like to be this summer, and Pepper…

He’s a kid, Pepper. He should be somewhere where he could have some fun, and if it were up to me, if I could give him what every kid deserves…

Hell, there’s no point pretending. There’s noplace for him. You put him at Nantucket with Mommy and Daddy, they’d just spend the whole summer telling him what a great son his brother is, and how he’s so much better at everything. You send him to one of those camps in the Catskills, and he’d just break out and come straight back to New York. I guess it’s just as well that he’s here in the city with me.

Anyway, Central Park’s not bad if you go at the right time, and sometimes… You know what we do sometimes, Pepper? Coney Island. Did you like that place, Pepper? I never did, but Loki loves it. And we’ll go over there, we’ll do all the stuff you’re supposed to do there. And we’ll ride all the rides… Loki likes the crazy ones. Like, if you can’t eat before you get on it, because you’re afraid you’ll lose your lunch, that’s always the one he’ll want to ride. And of course the roller coasters. All of them. And the high Ferris Wheel, the one that scares the little kids. And we’ll get hot dogs, and caramel apples, and cotton candy. We’ll get all this shit… And we’ll go down to the beach.

After dark, Pepper, that’s when you go down there. That’s when the crowding goes down, and you’ll see couples down there, they’ll be doing everything together. And Loki will try to take my hands. He’ll be like, “The _pilings_ , Tony, let’s go down under the _pilings_.” Because that’s where the men go, see. Like, the homosexual men, right? They’ll go under there. Nobody bothers with the men’s room any more, they’ll just go down there under the pilings, and they’ll do anything, and they don’t care that they’re outside where anyone can see them.

And Loki will go, “Let’s go under the _pilings,_ Tony, let’s go under the _pilings,_ ” but I always say no. Because I have to, see. Because I’m the _adult_.

Because someone’s got to worry about Daddy-O finding out about us. Because if Daddy-O does find out, “known drug-user Anthony Stark” (and his “homosexual leanings”) is going to be saying good-bye to his little playmate for the last time. Daddy’s going to be tearing our little dream-world right down to the _ground_. And it would _hurt_ …

That’s the truth of it, Pepper, is it would hurt _me_. To have to say good-bye to him, I mean. He’s been around, and I’ve kind of gotten used to him…

I _love_ him. There, I spelled it out for you, okay? I _love_ Loki. I don’t want to see him leave. It would make me _sad_ if he left…

Psychiatrists like it when you talk about your feelings. Especially _Supervising Psychiatrists for Substance Abuse Wards._

I’d like to think Loki would be sad too, if we said good-bye. I think he would be. That’s not happening on my watch though, not if I can help it. And Loki will take my hands, he’ll be like, “Let’s go under the _pilings_ , Tony.” I’ll just laugh. I’ll tell him to shut up, maybe I’ll kiss him a little… Because _that_ you can do without causing a lot of notice. At least once it’s dark enough, you can.

And he’ll go, “Oh, the _pilings,_ Tony, why do you have to be such a _coward_?” Do you think I let that bother me?

I don’t. I know he doesn’t mean it. I know he likes knowing there’s someone there who wants to protect him.

“Why are you such a coward?” Loki says, and I’ll say, “It’s because I’m old.” And I’ll kiss him some, maybe he’ll kiss me.

After a while, after we get tired of the beach, we’ll go to a nice, safe hotel room. A nice, quiet room, where no one will see what we’re doing, and no one will bother us. We spend a _lot_ of nights in hotel rooms, Pepper, probably more than we ought to. I ought to stop, because you do that stuff, you know you’re not going to keep that stuff secret forever. And you know what will happen when they do find out…

Pepper, I don’t know what I’m going to do when they find out.


	14. Five'll Get You Ten Old Macky's Back in Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our hero, once again, is in trouble (unfortunately, he's not the only one).

Independence Day, Pepper. Just for your information, and in case you haven’t been keeping track… 

Have you been keeping track, Pepper? And why have you been keeping track? I mean, I’d like to think it’s because of my roguish charm, and a lady ought to want to keep track of me because I am just that adorable… It’s because of the money, isn’t it? From the moment I saw it, I knew. You remember, I told you last month? How I got those papers out, I saw where … _someone_ (I’m not mentioning any names)… _Someone_ changed those papers, Pepper. Where every other guy who checks in, or they’re checked in by their so-wonderful family at your delightful facility, signs on the dotted line, and then you sign (in your capacity as _Supervising Psychiatrist for the Substance Abuse Ward_ ), and it says “Three Months,” right there. But on mine, _someone’s_ marked that out, and it says a year. You did that, didn’t you Pepper? Why? Say it’s because you care about me, and I’ll forgive you even now.

…Anyway though, where was I? Yeah right, _Independence Day_. You know, I thought about that this month. It was the Fourth, which fell on a Saturday this year. Fourth of July, on a Saturday, on Fire Island… Someday I am taking you to the Island, Pepper. I mean I know you don’t swing like most of us fellows that go there, but we’ll be nice to you, we’re always gentlemen with the ladies (whatever else we may be). I’ll take you there on a weekend. I’ll get you a nice bungalow, somewhere quiet… This will be _after_ I get control of my money again.

…Yeah, I was on the Island on the Fourth. You know I almost didn’t go? That was because Loki couldn’t…

Aww Pepper, I don’t know how I could have been so stupid. “Savor every moment,” how many times did I tell myself that? And, “Be happy, you know you’re not going to be with him forever,” I must have told myself that like a million times, but you know it took me by surprise?

And he _wanted_ to go with me… With _me_ , Pepper, not with Vic Doom or one of his S&M friends. And I said no…

Dammit Pepper, how could I not have known? “Family Reunion,” or some kind of a bullshit excuse like that, and Loki was like, “I don’t want to go, Tony.” And he was all, “Oh, it’ll be my _brother_ , it’ll be my brother’s _family_. It’ll be…” I don’t remember. Uncle _Heimdal_? That sounds right. Jesus God, they have funny names. All his family, they all have such funny names.

…And Loki was going, “I want to be with _you_ Tony, take me with you, they don’t ever have to _know_ , Tony,” and I said no.

Christ, how could I have been so dumb? How could I have not seen that this was _their_ way of splitting us up? This was Daddy-O’s way?

Daddy-O had figured out… I don’t think Loki ratted on me, Pepper. I think he’d had another detective on my ass, or maybe there’d been someone following Loki, I don’t know what it was. Hell Pepper, what do I look like? I’m not fuckin’ James Bond here, I can’t tell if there’s somebody following me.

If I’d had _my_ money, I could have hired someone. Which brings me back to what I was talking about, Pepper, because this is _not_ the end. Independence Day, which for me is September the 22nd. Because I went back to those papers from McLain, Pepper. Those papers that _you_ signed, and Obie signed, but you know who didn’t sign them? I didn’t, because I didn’t get the chance. Because no involuntary two-day commitment for _Howard Stark’s son_ (and how did you _not_ see that this was about the money, by the way?), oh no, nothing like that, that’s for your common, or garden-variety-type junkies, but for _me_? Me, I wake up a day or two into that shit, and my ass is locked up, and I belong to _you_ for a whole fuckin’ _year_.

But that year’s over in September, Pepper, and then there is _nothing_ you can do to me. Your power over me will be broken, and McLain’s power will be broken. You know I was going to keep seeing you, but I’m not. Because I’ll have better things to do with my money, and I was going to use it to hire a lawyer. That’s what I was thinking at first, was I could hire a lawyer and I’d get the guardianship broken, and I would have _my_ money. That’s what I was thinking at first…

And you know I wasn’t even thinking about J.A.R.V.I.S.? You want to know what’s really nuts, Pepper? What’s really nuts is that’s why I got the paperwork out in the first place. Because we had our prototype made, and we were thinking about how we could get ready to start production. And you know I’ve been _so useless_. I’m the oldest of us, and I’ve got the most experience, but…

I’m not going to talk about that. I’ve got enough else that’s making me mad already. 

…Anyway, I got the paperwork out, and I saw that about a year. And I thought… I mean I know I’ve promised you I’d keep seeing you, but Pepper, that’s a lot of _money_. And me, I’m strapped right now (which I shouldn’t be), I can’t really afford it. And I got to thinking, “Hey, I could use that money, I could hire an attorney,” and I thought how he could break the guardianship, how me having a clean record for a whole _year_ from McLain would look good for me, and I could get back control of _my_ money. And at first I was just thinking of J.A.R.V.I.S., but then I thought how I could use the money to take care of Loki…

Aww, Pepper… Why didn’t I take him with me? It would have been so easy, Pepper, I didn’t even need to buy a ticket. Because it was a friend’s yacht, and I was staying at _his_ house. Johnny Storm’s a flake, but he’s a nice guy. I could’ve said to him, “It’s for true love,” and he would have been _happy_ to do it, I could have brought Loki with me, and we would have been together, and his parents…

I don’t know what exactly happened. I’ve got my ideas, but… I think what happened is that Papa Odin found out… About _me_ , he found out, at least I have a pretty good idea that’s what happened. Because I am “known drug-user Anthony Stark”, and he thinks I’m the only one that’s leading poor Loki astray.

As if Loki ever needed someone else to “lead him astray.”

…I think what happened is that he found out about me, maybe there were some other things as well. Maybe there were some other men. Would I care if there were?

Aww Pepper, I don’t know if I’d care. I mean, I’d be jealous, sure, but…

You want the honest-to-god answer? I _know_ there were other men. Maybe not right before …what happened. I mean, we were together there, right before … _you know_. Right before Daddy Odin poked his damn nose into _our business_ , we were together, and I am pretty damn sure it was just him and me together then. I don’t know for certain, but I think so. I mean before that, there were other men, and I know for sure there were other men, there was at least Vic Doom, and I’m sure there were others.

You know, honestly Pepper? I don’t care if there were others. I don’t care how many others there were, or when Loki was with them. Even if I found out he was lying to me. Back when we were together this spring, and he was saying to me, “I love you, Tony, you’re the only one, Tony,” and I could find out he’d been with a million other men, that whole time, and it wouldn’t matter, you know why? Because it was about the _relationship,_ Pepper. Loki and I had a relationship… We _have_ a relationship. Because it’s not over, Pepper. Daddy Odin can try to split us up, but he will not succeed.

…So where was I? Yeah, that money I’m using (because I have to right now), that money that pays for your sessions? Once that’s freed up (September 22nd, Pepper, just two months and a couple of days), I’m going and hire the best private eye I can get, and I’m finding Loki. Wherever he is, and whatever condition he’s in…

Here’s what happened, Pepper, exactly what happened: I went to the Island with Johnny and the others. That was Friday, and I’d gotten the day off work, I wasn’t due back until Monday. And Tuesday morning I was going to meet Loki. The store’s got me working nights right now, but I have the mornings off until 2:00, and I’ve been meeting Loki, we’ve been spending most of our mornings together (and a lot of our nights). And I was supposed to meet him on Tuesday, but he never showed.

And I called and I called, but they wouldn’t talk to me. It was just the maid that would talk to me, and she kept putting me off. Finally I called Daddy at his office… Thursday, I think that’s when I did that. And I don’t know, maybe he did it to gloat, because he did take my call, and he talked to me. Here’s what he said: “Oh, I _know_ you’re looking for _my son_.” That was how he started, was something like that, and then, “You’re looking for _my son_ , and I’m looking for him too, because Loki…”

He’d run off. That’s what happened, Pepper, is Loki ran off, after Daddy-O did …whatever he did to him. After he confronted him, is what I’m guessing, that he got hold of him, maybe in front of the whole family, and he _shamed_ him about what he’d been doing. About his lying, and about “known drug user Anthony Stark,” because that part was sure to be in there…

Anyway, he’d run off. Daddy-O shamed him, and he ran off, and that was all I heard. After that there was some blah-blah-blah, because of course Daddy-O couldn’t let me off the hook without lecturing, and I couldn’t seem to… Well, I didn’t hang up the phone right away is what happened, and I kept hearing his voice, he was talking and talking, only I didn’t _really_ hear it, you know? After he said Loki was gone, I didn’t hear anything else.

Dammit Pepper, why didn’t I take him with me? Then we’d still be together.

…Anyway, there’s just two months more, and this won’t matter. It will all be history, closed book, end of story. Because I’m writing this on the 11th… I think it’s the 11th. …Two months and 11 days, September 22nd, 1970, one year to the day, from the day you and Obie took my freedom away from me. After that I’m a free agent, after that I say bye-bye to you and McLain, and I’m going out and hire the best private dick money will buy. And I am _finding_ him, Pepper, and I’m taking him in. I don’t care what’s happened to him, or what he’s doing, or where, or with who. After that, Loki and I will be _together_ , Pepper, and _no one_ , not you, or Obie, or Big Daddy Odin or anyone, can keep us apart.


	15. Did Ya Hear About Louie Miller?  He Disappeared, Babe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Known drug-user" Anthony Stark faces some hard choices.

Dear Pepper, fuck this stupid journal, which I have been keeping faithfully, for _you_ , for almost a year now. And you know what Pepper? Fuck you too. Fuck your, “Oh Tony, this is quite a _setback_ , oh Tony, don’t let it detract from _your recovery,_ Tony.”

You know what else? _Fuck my recovery_. There, how’s that? You like them apples, Pepper? Fuck the whole stupid bullshit, of me sitting here, playing society’s games… Why, Pepper, why? Can you tell me that? What has it ever gotten me? All my life, I’ve been jumping through hoops, and it’s never been good enough. I’ve pretended to be who society wanted me to be, I’ve pretended with you…

Who am I really, Pepper? I’m the guy who had someone… Who _loved_ someone, Pepper. I _loved_ Loki…

I mean I love him. He’s not dead, he can’t be dead.

…I _love_ Loki, and all I wanted… You know what I wanted Pepper? Here, how simple is this: All I wanted was for us to be safe. And together, I wanted us to be safe and together, for us to be happy together. And we were happy for a while, but then society got in the way.

Society always gets in the way when you’re me… When you’re me, or Loki, when you’re someone who’s ideas maybe aren’t the same as society’s ideas. What were my ideas? I had this idea, Pepper, that maybe there could be someplace where everything I did… Everything I could do. …I had this idea that maybe there could be somewhere, someplace for me, and maybe just one other person that I _loved_ … I had the idea that maybe for once, that could be enough... Doing everything I could do, I mean, everything I knew how to do, I had this idea that for once in my life, it could be enough for a change, where it never has been enough before, not for anyone.

Not even for _you_ , Pepper. How dare you? I mean really. I walk in there… And I was hurting, Pepper. I mean I know I tried to hide it, but yeah. I couldn’t hide it, and I didn’t hide it… I didn’t think I was hiding it, but maybe you are just spectacularly obtuse. Maybe you really are that dumb, that I could walk in there, and practically a bleeding sore… I mean I was in _pain_ , but maybe you didn’t see it, and I walked in there, I talked about how I was feeling. To you. My “psychiatrist”.

What do you say? You’re all, “Oh Tony Tony, I hope this doesn’t detract from your _recovery_ , Tony. This _setback_ , Tony, which had better not detract from that so-wonderful _recovery_ , I mean I know you’re still basically gelded. You aren’t a man, because you don’t have a real job, and you don’t have your money… You have to take money from a boy whose mother dies and leaves it to him, because Obie still has control of all your money, and look at me, I’m certainly not going to lift a finger to help you Tony, because…”

Why, Pepper? All these months… Why?

Dirty little secret, Pepper, but we both know it’s true: You only care about my “recovery”. Isn’t that right, _Doctor_ Pepper Fucking Potts?

I should have gone with NA. At least there are _people_ in NA, real people, with real problems, like mine. Not _doctors_ , so clean sitting behind your big clinical desks, in your fancy-ass offices, with the name plate on the door: “Supervising Psychiatrist for the Substance Abuse Ward”. Yeah, fuck you, Supervising Bitch. And fuck your goddamn Substance Abuse Ward too. Fuck the whole goddamn lot of you.

I _am_ going to find Loki, Pepper. I don’t care what it does to my goddamn “recovery.” And I don’t care what I have to do, and I don’t care what anyone wants to make of it. Obie finds out? Fuck, _let_ Obie find out.

Here, Obie, look here: There goes Anthony Fucking Stark. You see him there? Yeah, that’s right, there goes “known drug-user” Anthony Stark… You know what, Obie? Those aren’t “homosexual tendencies” he has, Obie. He’s a goddamn _flaming faggot_ , that one. You like that, Obie? Does that get your little red choo-choo going?

Hey Obie, why don’t you block him from his money forever? Go ahead, keep him out of his rightful place, stop him from leading his father’s company (and his grandfather’s), forever. You can do it, Obie, you have the power. And he’s only a “known drug-user,” he’s just a faggot, he breaks the law every time he wants to make love. He is a walking mess of “comorbid conditions,” and he always will be, just ask his so-called “psychiatrist.” Ask Pepper Goddamn Potts. She knows that stuff, isn’t she the _Supervising Psychiatrist for the Fucking Substance Abuse Ward_?

Yeah, Pepper, I’m finding Loki. And I don’t care what I have to do. And I don’t care what _you_ do to me, and I don’t care who gets hurt… Probably it will be me. I’m always the one that gets hurt in these things, have been ever since I was a goddamn kid. This is going to hurt me, somehow, because these things always do. I don’t know how yet, but it will…

 _No it won’t, it’ll hurt Loki._ It’s probably already hurting Loki, I don’t know how, but it is. And I can’t do anything about it. I don’t know where he is, and I can’t help him, and I can’t do anything… Do you know how that feels? Do you even care, Pepper?

Somewhere out there, he is alone, and hurting. His father has rejected him, and his mother can’t take care of him, and his brother… Precious _Thor_ and his precious _family_. This is probably the best thing that ever happened, from their angle.

Aww, Pepper, I don’t know how to find Loki…

But I do. First step is you go everywhere that you know he goes. I know who he hangs out with, Pepper. I know all his friends. First step: Go talk to his old S&M friends… Talk to Vic Doom, Loki was shacked up with him for a while. Ask him, “Have you seen him? Where else does he go? Who’s likely to know where he is right now?”

 _I’ll bet it’s no one._ I’ll bet he’s got no one to go to… Christ Pepper, what did I do, why isn’t he coming to me? Why does he think he can’t come to me? Haven’t I seen him at his worst already? Didn’t I see him, literally, _at his worst_ , didn’t I take him in when _no one else_ would? Why won’t he come to me now?

It’s because I sent him back to his parents. _My_ Loki won’t come to me now because I sent him back to those bastards who don’t care enough to let him be who he is. That’s a mistake I won’t be making again, I hope he can forgive me for making it the other time.

About my “recovery”? You can write that off, Pepper. You had to have that last month, didn’t you? You had to hold me to it, had to go by the letter of the law: “One _year_ ,” you said, and we’re still a month shy of that now. Well forget it, it’s not worth it, I’m done.

Oh, I’m not going back to the pills. That part of my life is over, and for good (so there _would be_ my recovery, if you weren’t such a tight-ass and a stickler for keeping to exactly what’s written in the contract), but I’m done with you, that’s for sure. No more sessions, I don’t care what you do to me. As soon as I find Loki, that’s it, and I’ll call you and tell you so.

I’ll have more important things to do with my money then. I’ll need it… Loki at least, _needs_ his drugs. You’ll acknowledge that, right? Even in your so-superior role, even being the _Supervising Psychiatrist for the Goddamn Substance Abuse Ward_ , you’ll admit that some people do need to take drugs? And he’s one of them?

Once I find Loki… Once I get him to forgive me, and come home with me… To my home, which will be his home too, for as long as he is willing to stay there with me. …I do that Pepper, and from then on all my money will go to pay for _his_ doctors and _his_ drugs. However much he needs. And I don’t care what I have to do to get it. Maybe Obie will never free up _my_ money, but I don’t care. Maybe I’ll never get a decent job in my life. Maybe it’ll always be hanging over me, maybe I’ll never be anything to anyone, except “known drug-user Anthony Stark, with his homosexual tendencies,” but I really don’t care, Pepper.

Because I’ll have Loki. And that’s really all that matters.


	16. After Drawing Out All his Hard-Earned Cash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony E. Stark sets a new record.

~~Update: Dear Peppper~~

Fuck this journal. Two months. Who’s keeping track anymore anyway?

Dear Loki, if I ever find you, I’ll let you read this 

Forget that too. I’ll never ~~find him~~ let him read this shit.

Dear Loki, I'm pretending this is you and you’re reading this. I don’t know, I guess it’s easier pretending you’re writing for someone, and Pepper… I don’t know about Pepper.

Dear Loki, why did you go? No, I mean why did you… Why didn’t you contact me, Loki? I’m right here. You have to know I’d do anything for you. Why did you… Why don’t you…

Loki, I’m not safe for you…

I don’t know what’s safe for you, Loki. I don’t know what’s right for you. I thought I did…

Loki, all I _ever_ wanted for you… I had this picture, okay? All the time we were together, I was thinking… I had this picture…

But it was never you, was it? Who are you, Loki? Who are you really? And is there a chance… I mean, could we… Someday, Loki…

Loki, you know who I am. I mean, you know _all_ of me, and who I am. I’m just what shows on the outside. I’m just this guy with a brain, and I’ve got a little knack for using tools. And I messed up my life in _so many ways_ , Loki, and I did it for so long. For a while there, I thought I could never turn it around, and who knows, maybe I can’t, but when we were together…

Aww, Jeez, when we _were_ together…

Loki, I can’t shake the feeling that someday you’re going to come back. And it won’t be good if you come back. You’re not staying away because you’re scared. Loki, you’re staying away because you’re _living_ right now, aren’t you? All my… What is it you kids call it? …All my problems, my “hang-ups”, they were in your way, weren’t they? Your way of living was never my way of living, and we just pretended. You were really _someone_ , Loki. I mean, you had it all together. You were like a new man, a homo superior…

I mean you were really a _homo_ superior. I mean, you had it _down_. There was no fear. You’d do all that shit, Loki, like going around, and kissing people in public, and all that shit. God, you’d have worn a dress and walked right down Fifth Avenue, wouldn’t you? It was just that you didn’t want to.

God, you were so gorgeous. It made me feel like smiling just seeing you. Just having you in my life, and I’d wake up. I’d think, “Loki’s here, he’s _with me_ ,” and I’d always smile.

Don’t come back, Loki. I’d only tie you down.

Only that’s not why you would come back is it, Loki? I know why you would come back.

Jesus Christ Loki, I know why you’d come back. I remember… Do you remember, Loki? Do you ever think about it? Remember that night, and god, it was so cold, and oh god… It was raining that night, wasn’t it? Or sleeting maybe? I opened the door… Or maybe you called…

It was _two_ nights, but the one I remember… Oh Jesus Christ Loki, that one night. When I went and got you at that godawful little donut shop. And it was the middle of the night, and you weren’t dressed for the weather. And you were shivering. You know who shivers like that? _Junkies_. When they’re coming down, and they can’t get any more stuff. God, your _need_ that night, it was just like a junkie’s need.

Was that what I was to you? Was I your drug, Loki?

Don’t come back, Loki, please don’t. Because I know that if you do come back… It will be because your wings came off, because you flew too close to the sun…

Loki, I want you to be the way you should be. It’s a new world, Loki. Stonewall, Gay Lib. You’re young enough to live in that world. Loki, go live in that world. I want you to be with those boys, and their arms around each other, and their scruffy beards, and how they kiss each other right in the street. And all those brave queens… I’m too old for that I guess, but you’re not. I want you to be _there_ , and I don’t know Loki, maybe S&M is just part of that. It’s a brave new world out there, Loki.

You’ll be with the ones that shave though, won’t you? Because you never were a hippie. And no flowers, no flowy, skirty shit, no _dresses_. You always had taste. Someday I’m going to walk into somebody’s house… Over on the Island I mean. And maybe it’ll be this summer. …I’ll walk into this party at somebody’s house. There you’ll be, just like the first time I saw you.

Remember that day Loki? It’s one of my best memories. And I went in, and there you were. You were curled on that sofa, you remember? I don’t remember what you were wearing, but it was so tidy and perfect. And your hair was perfect, just a little long, and curling on your shoulders. And of course you were shaved, not even five o’clock shadow.

It was green, wasn’t it? That shirt you were wearing… And green pants? When I think of you, you’re always wearing green.

Only not in a house. I don’t think of you in a house, I like to think of how it was when I’d meet you at the college, the way the spring sunshine would shine down onto your hair. And how it gave you a touch of color… You’re always so _pale_ , Loki.

Christ, Loki, is that how it is right now? Are you somewhere with someone? Not Vic, I talked to him. I’ve talked to him lots of times, Vic’s starting to get really tired of me calling him.

“Oh, Stark,” he’ll say, “not _you_ again,” and, “I _haven’t_ seen him, Jesus Christ, can you leave me alone? There is more to _my life_ than Loki Odinson, you know, Stark.” You know how Vic is, don’t you? I don’t think Vic likes me very much anymore (not that I care). We used to get along pretty well, but not now, and that’s because of all the times I’ve called, just to ask about you.

What about Osborne? 

You should stay away from Osborne, Loki. That guy has real problems, and believe me, for a guy like me to notice someone’s got problems…

Never mind. I’m not going to tell you who to go with anymore. Just be someplace safe, okay? That’s all I ask.

No, you wouldn’t be with Osborne. Anyway, I called him a couple of times. He always says he hasn’t seen you. And you wouldn’t be with Moleman, because you were never into ugly for ugliness’ sake, were you? And that leaves… Who?

You know in my fantasies, you have friends from college. That’s how I like to think of you: You just made friends at college. Some of those kids I’d see when I was over there, young guys like you, and so relaxed and happy, and you’re with them. You made friends with some of them, good friends, the kind of friends that would put you up if you left your parents, and maybe someone you can make a life with someday.

Because you won’t make a life with me. What do I have that I could give you anyway? Just a bad past and a lot of comorbid conditions. Can’t even break the trusteeship, can’t even get my own money back. I’ve got nothing, Loki, you’re better off without me.

But sometimes I’ll dream about you. And always the same dream, I wake up and you’re there. Like, I’ll be in bed, and I’ll roll over. And it will all have been a dream, you leaving, you living somewhere else, with someone besides me even, all that will be a dream. I don’t know what time I am dreaming about, because lord knows it wasn’t like that when we did live together. You were a mess back then, you remember Loki? But in my dreams you’re like you were this spring when we’d meet at the college. You’re healthy like that, and you’re smiling. And you’re so _warm_ , Loki, and you’re there in the bed next to me. And I’ll wake up, I’ll roll over. And I’ll see you, and all this happiness will come flooding into me, because I know it was all a dream, you going away and everything, all that. And I’ll think, “I have you and I’ll always have you…”

But I always wake up.

Dear Loki, take care of yourself, okay? Wherever you are? Just take care of yourself.

Fuck that shit too. I need to remember to tear all this shit out before I see Pepper next time.

Update: Dear Pepper, I still haven’t found Loki. Probably I will write some more before I see you this month, because you’re right, Pepper. Writing stuff down really is good therapy, it keeps you from thinking about stuff as much.

Anyway, no drugs, no booze, not even any “recreational sex”. 295 days clean Pepper, and counting. If that isn’t a record for the other junkies you see, it’s sure as hell got to be a record for Anthony E. Stark.


	17. And Now MacHeath Spends Just Like a Sailor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony Stark tries to help someone.

Dear Pepper, thanks for nothing. Pepper, you know. How could you not know? Lifetime of taking downers, and I’m suddenly using Lithium? Su-uuure I am. Right.

Christ, Pepper. You of all people… They were for Loki. _Of course_ they were for Loki. And just how did the cops find out about that little transaction? Safest dealer in town. You think I didn’t do my homework? I have friends, and my friends have friends.

Funny little story, Pepper: See here’s Stark. He’s been out of the loop for a year now, thank you very much, and you know what? He’s _happy_ about it. Guy’s starting to feel good about it, he’s starting to you know, see benefits. Because it’s nice, for once, to have people look at you like they can trust you. Like, I go in to work… Pathetic little job, at a _Radio Shack_ , for god’s sake. I’m the most trustworthy guy there, because of course I’m the most trustworthy guy there. Because who else do we have? Bunch of teenagers, and they’ll blow off their shift just for a chance at some nookie, but it feels _good_ , okay? Boss looks at me and there’s trust in his eyes, and that feels good. How’s that for something to brag about? I’m 35, and I’m proud because the manager at some piddling store in Queens trusts me.

…Yeah, I was saying: Here’s Stark, okay? He’s been out of the loop, because he’s been _clean_ for a year, so he doesn’t know who the good dealers are anymore, because that stuff changes, Pepper. But he’s got friends, and his friends take drugs… Don’t say anything, Pepper. _All_ homosexuals take drugs, at least amyl. Not me… Which you should _know_. You have been reading the results of those tests you make me take, right?

…Yeah, here goes Stark, and he’s looking for a drug dealer. Can’t go on his own experience, so he asks around. You know, on the down-low? A few trusted friends: “Hey, you know someone who deals in prescriptions? You know somebody I can trust?”

I was in a hurry, for obvious reasons of course, but you can’t rush these things. You don’t want to find out he’s a narc.

…So I find this guy. Perfectly safe, perfectly trustworthy, that’s what everybody said, and I go to him. “What’ll it cost for some Lithium?” I say to him. And ye gods, Pepper, the _markup_! But I was prepared for that, you have to be on the black market.

I get hold of that shit, and that’s when the shit hit the fan, and I ask you Pepper, why? Obvious, it’s Obie, right? I don’t think the dealer ratted me out. Obie had a tail on me, that’s what I think happened. And that was because he wanted me to slip up. Because I only had a month left, and his safe little place at StarkTech was about to go up in smoke. So long trusteeship, and the nice income (taken, let us not forget, out of _my_ money) that goes along with that. And farewell to your position as CEO, Mr. Obadiah Stane, because we all know if there is a Stark available, the position goes to him.

…Obie had me followed, and that’s how I got caught, but dammit Pepper, why did you go along with it? Why didn’t you at least talk to me?

It’s still not too late, we could talk, we could deal. You know that court order doesn’t mean shit. You could countermand that fucker, you have the authority. Tear that goddamn thing up, I’ll give you…

What do you want? Like I don’t know… How many more months, Pepper? I’ll see you… But in private practice, okay? You do private practice, don’t you? As well as your job at McLain?

…I’ll see you, or… You _name_ the headshrinker, Pepper. Tell me who he is and I’ll go to him. I’ll be a tame little puppy. Got another raise at work. I told you, the boss likes me. I can afford it… I know how you shrinks work, it’s called a sliding scale, that means you can tell me anyone you want. Hey, give me the best guy at the best office on Park Avenue, I’ll go in there, I’ll get the guy to take me on a fuckin’ sliding scale.

Just give me the clean bill of health now, okay Pepper? Please? 

Pepper, you just say the word and Obie’ll have to back off. I’ll have my _life_ back, I’ll have my money. You know why I need ‘em Pepper, it’s because…

Aww, Jesus Christ, Pepper.

You know, I’ve done some reading about it. Here’s what I’ve never been able to get, okay? Because I’ve done the reading, everything I’ve read says manic-depression is a “bi-polar” disease. You fancy shrinks and your jargon, that means people get it and they’re either really up or they’re really down, right? As in there are up times too?

I don’t even pretend to know what that looks like. You know me Pepper, I’m not a psychiatrist, but I don’t think it looks like Loki. That poor kid, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him anything but down. I’ve seen him when he’s normal, yeah, when he’s been taking his medicine, but I don’t think that’s what “bi-polar” means, is it? Unless I’ve been reading all the books wrong?

Poor Loki, I’ve never seen him up, and oh god, Pepper…

You know I’d been thinking I’d get a call. Silly me, I thought it would be from Victor. And I didn’t expect it so soon… Jesus Christ, Pepper, it was what? A month? Because it’s not even August first now, I said good-bye to Loki on July… 3rd, I think it was? 

God, was it really only a month ago? And we were so _happy_ together… It wasn’t perfect, Pepper, but what is? It came close, okay? We had each other, and he loved me. I know he loved me, Pepper, and I loved him…

I _love_ him, I mean. There’s still a chance for this… Lord, Pepper, there has _got_ to be a chance. But you aren’t making things easier right now. You and Obie, obstructing… You know I expect that from Obie, but you Pepper? Aren’t you supposed to be dedicated to making things _better_ for me? I mean, I am your patient.

I need the Lithium, Pepper. I don’t know what he did with his, but it was gone… I guess I should be glad he didn’t take that before he called me, anyway. I’ve heard guys talk, that’s a hard way to go.

And he didn’t want to die, Pepper. I really believe that, because otherwise why did he call me? Loki knows I know about downers… Hell, everyone in the city knows I know about downers. They see me coming down the street, they’re like, “Here comes Stark, the World’s Biggest Expert on Prescription Barbiturates.”

…He called… Oh, and he was so out-of-it, Pepper, and angry? 

…Middle of the night, he calls. I’m asleep, but I heard the phone… Thank god I heard the phone, Pepper. And I’m out of bed and I’m in the kitchen… It doesn’t cost that much to have another line put in, but you know me, I don’t have any money. As in my money’s been tied up. 

…I rush into the kitchen, and I grab the phone. You could barely tell it was him, Pepper. His voice was so slow, and so slurred. And all this abuse, like a torrent of abuse: “Fuck you, Tony, you’re a betrayer like everybody else. Tony, I hate you, and Tony, I hope you die… I just called,” he says. “I just called so you’d know I’m dying right now, and it’s your fault Tony…”

But he did tell me where he was. That proves something, right? It was a cry for attention, is what it was, it had to have been. If he’d really wanted to die, he didn’t have to tell me…

I went over there. He hadn’t taken very many, which is another reason I know he wasn’t serious. It was just a handful of Seconals. Hell, there was a time I used to take more than that just as an appetizer. That was like a cocktail for me, I’d take those things and I’d be ready for the evening. Poor Loki, he must have no tolerance, and he was lying there…

For a minute there I thought he wasn’t breathing. I thought I’d have to call an ambulance…

No, I thought I’d _lose_ him Pepper, that’s what it was is I thought he was going to die and I’d never even get to say good-bye. And he was so _white_ , and just lying there. And just barely breathing, you had to get really close to tell he even was breathing. God Pepper, one time I brought a mirror over, because I wasn’t sure.

Oh god, Pepper…

Pepper, I know he should be in a hospital. You think I don’t know that? I can’t _make_ that happen, Pepper, I’m not a relative, and…

He’s not in a condition to make good decisions right now, Pepper. He just lies there, and he won’t even talk to me. I just wanted the Lithium because then he’ll make sense again… How the hell else was I supposed to get it? Rob some crazy person on the street?

I wasn’t hurting anyone, I wasn’t drugging. I was just trying to help someone… that I love…

I just want to see him in a condition so he can think again. I want to see him make the right decisions. Christ Pepper, this is how they screw you, you know? I can’t get Loki what he needs, and his father won’t get it for him. I don’t think his father cares about him, Pepper. I think he’d be fine if Loki died, and he could just have his one son, Mr. Perfect.

They fuckin’ _break_ you on a wheel. First they take away your dignity. You can’t have fuckin’ love without breaking a law. Then after that they slap these labels on you: Deviant, drug-abuser, bi-polar… All these fuckin’ labels, what do they amount to? Just a fancy way of saying, “This one doesn’t matter, just write him off, he’s never going to amount to anything.”

You want to fight back, you’ve got to break the law. There’s no way to get what you need without breaking the law, because the system is designed that way. But you should have understood, Pepper, you didn’t have to side with Obie. Six more _months_? Do you know what you’re taking away from me when you do that? Do you know what I can’t do for Loki, how much I _can’t_ help him without my money?

I’m putting you on notice Pepper: I’m getting him what he needs. You do whatever the hell you want to me, put me on Inpatient Status, lock me up for a year or whatever. If I’m not around… Well I talked to Victor. He said he’d at least try. He changes his mind, I’ll get somebody else. I’m not fuckin’ letting him die.

There’s a million faggots in New York, Pepper. Out of all of those, there has to be someone who can babysit one kid until he’s got his head straightened out. Get the Lithium… We don’t all have tails on us, Pepper. I’ve got friends working on it now, how long do you think before one of them brings me some? I’ll give Loki some of that, I’ll get him thinking right again… Or if not me… If you go through the whole rigmarole and get me committed again. …He is going to have his head straightened out, and he is going to get the treatment he needs. I’ll find a faggot-shrink for him, hell, whatever it takes.

Funny if that’s how it ends up playing out, huh? Loki’s in a cozy little relationship with some queer psychiatrist. They have a house on Long Island, maybe they’ve got an apartment in Manhattan. Meanwhile here I am, still seeing you, still punching in the old time clock, on the Comorbid Conditions Express. Would I care? Yeah sure I would Pepper, I’m not made of stone or something. It’d be worth it though, if that’s what it takes to keep Loki safe.


	18. Could It Be our Boy's Done Something Rash?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our hero expresses some vengeful thoughts.

Dear Pepper, once a week? Really? Why? Based on what?

And don’t tell me it’s part of the court order, that’s bullshit Pepper, I read that thing. Why?

You know sometimes I really don’t know why I still bother? Here I am, I’ve been doing good for a whole fuckin’ year. I’ve been following orders, staying on the straight-and-narrow, and for what? What have _I_ gotten out of this Pepper, because literally I can’t think of a single thing.

I’m at a fucking _minimum wage job_ , Pepper. Howard Stark’s son, and I’m… Wait, can you guess it? Got any idea there folks? Assistant Fuckin’ Manager, at a goddamn Radio Shack in Queens. Yeah, that’s what he’s doing with his life, let’s all give him a big round of applause.

Do not be feeding me that bullshit about, “Oh, at least you’re working, Tony, at least you’re holding down a _job_.” The other Assistant Manager’s fuckin’ 18, Pepper, he’s not out of High School yet. I’m 35. What am I supposed to do, fuckin’ _celebrate_ , because I’m not down on my luck, swallowing a bottle of pills every day or whatever? Ohh _ginger peachy_ , let me go get a _cake_.

And don’t give me that crap about, “Well, you might have been dead, Tony.” You know sometimes I don’t even care?

Loki’s gone, by the way. Like you’ll care about that. You’ve got the one you want, don’t you? You’ve got your _patient_ (at a substantial cost per week by the way, let me tell you). You’ve got Anthony Stark for the duration. ~~Sometimes it feels like you’re going to have me until hell freezes over.~~

By the way, just out of curiosity, why the _hell_ can my fuckin’ trustees always find the money for _your_ charges, no matter what, and they can never find the money for anything else? No wait don’t tell me, I know. Look who my trustee is. Obie’s always going to find the money to prove Anthony Stark’s sick, he can’t function in society, he can’t take two steps away from goddamn McLain, even after a whole fuckin’ year. I reiterate: Where are the other guys I was in with last summer? You’re going to tell me you’re still seeing Bruce and Steve? Sure you are, Pepper, and I’ve got a bridge to sell you in Death Valley. Hell, Bruce is probably dead by now, Steve too. Do you even know, Pepper? Do you care?

But here I am, still punching the old clock, still checking in, once a fuckin’ week, because god forbid you should kill the golden goose, isn’t that right Pepper?

Yeah, Loki’s gone. I don’t know where he went. I just came home after work one day and…

_Christ._

You know if I had my money, I could get him treatment. That’s what he needs is treatment. He’s sick, I get that Pepper. Can’t go to his dad, because I’m _me_. Known drug-addict Anthony Stark, with the homosexual leanings, you think old Pops will give me the time of day?

Fuck that, you think I’d even _go_ to him? You think I want to see the look on that old bastard’s face?

I’d go to him. If it meant saving Loki, I’d go.

Hell, I don’t know what happened, I don’t get… You know what I don’t get Pepper? What I don’t fuckin’ get?

Why did he get the treatment last time? And he took his meds, he was fine… That’s all he needs, Pepper, he just needs to get his treatment, he’s got to know that, right? Got to? Hell, he _does_ know that, otherwise why was he ready to see the shrink etcetera last time? So what’s so different about this time, why wouldn’t he do it Pepper? It’s like he wanted to die.

Pepper, I don’t know where he is, and I am fuckin’ _scared_. What happened: I came home one day, okay? I just left work, I came home… I was closing up that day, I remember.

And he hadn’t been acting okay. I mean, I’d tell him and tell him, I’d say, “I _will_ get you your meds Loki, I swear it…”

Was that what it was? It was because I couldn’t get them for him, do you think that’s why? Christ, it’s not like I didn’t try everything. Jesus, I have got such a bad reputation with the all dealers in town… Who apparently can’t remember that I always paid them on time back, you know… Back before McLain.

I used to always pay those fuckers, back... You know, back before the trusteeship. Back when I used to have control of my money, and I’ll admit, I didn’t use it very wisely, I mean, I could never hold down a job, and I’d buy all those drugs. But I _paid_ , Pepper, I never bought shit on credit. No matter how desperate I was… Cash-On-Arrival Stark, they used to call me.

I had a _good_ reputation with the dealers in this town (which I will admit, is nothing to brag about). Not any more though, not thanks to that bastard Obie, who apparently pressed charges on the guy I bought the Lithium from before. He’s in jail apparently, and who does everyone blame for it? Who else but Yours Truly?

…Yeah, Cash-On-Arrival Stark is no more (and thank you very much, all you ungrateful short-memoried fuckers, peddling your poisoned products). Nowadays I can’t get squat in this town, I probably couldn’t get a fuckin’ Bromo Seltzer, if I walked into a drugstore and bought an ice cream soda first. Yeah, thus perisheth the mighty (or whatever). Anyway, I kept trying and trying to get some fuckin’ Lithium for Loki, I kept _asking_ everybody, and talking to everyone I knew.

 _Nothing_ , Pepper. Fuckin’ squat. And I kept coming home, I’d tell Loki, “Just one more day, I promise I’ll have it for you tomorrow.” And I pretty well gave up hope toward the end there, but I wanted to keep that from him, he just seemed so hopeless already.

I would come home, Pepper, he wouldn’t even look up from the couch when I came in. He would just lie there. And he wouldn’t come to bed with me, he’d just stay there, all day and all night. And I couldn’t get him to eat, I would try everything…

My favorite thing to eat when I’m sick, Pepper? And this one goes back awhile, this is what Jarvis used to fix me when I was a kid. He’d give me chicken noodle soup, like always the same kind of chicken noodle soup, with little thin noodles, and these tiny little bits of chicken in it.

God, I think I got every kind of chicken noodle soup they have in New York for Loki. Like, Lipton, and Campbells, and Knorr… Hell, I was bringing him _Kosher_ chicken noodle soup, I was getting chicken soup from all these Chinese restaurants and stuff, I was bringing that to him too.

Nothing, Pepper. He never ate any of it. Got so if I could get him to take a little bite from some dry toast, that was a fuckin’ holiday day for me.

And then one day I came home and he was gone. And I have _no idea_ where he went off to, Pepper, I have no idea if he’s even still alive. How do you check that kind of shit anyway, Pepper? I mean where do you look? Not like he carried ID around with him, he could be dead right now, and I’ll never even know.

And times like these, you just think: What the hell is the point? Who am I doing it for, what even _is_ “it” anyway? Because Loki could be dead, he could be floating in the Hudson River, or bleeding to death in some derelict hotel somewhere. Who am I doing it for anymore, Pepper? Who’s left that cares if I’m alive or dead?

Please don’t feed me that bullshit about, “Oh, you’re doing it for _yourself_ Stark,” either. You think I care about “myself”? Would have I lived my life the way I have so far if I did? All I had was Loki, and now I don’t even have him. There’s no one who cares if I live or die, and nobody I can go to if I’m in trouble.

I’ll tell you why I do it, Pepper. You want to know why? You really want to know?

I do it so I can fuck over Obie. That’s my whole point and goal anymore, now that Loki’s gone, I just hope that one day I can get my fuckin’ money back, and I’’m going to do Obie just exactly like he did me. Let’s see how he likes it then. He’s so fuckin’ spoiled, with _my_ money, and control of _my_ company. Let’s see how he lives after I take all that away.

You’re a psychiatrist, Pepper. Isn’t there some kind of a list you guys keep somewhere, of who’s in what looney bin and where? You couldn’t run a check? You don’t have to put me in touch with him, or tell me where he is or anything, I mean I get it, that’s professional confidentiality, and god forbid I should ask you to go against that. But you could tell me if he is locked up somewhere, couldn’t you? So at least I’ll know if he’s still alive?


	19. Now, Jennie Diver, Ooh Sukey Tawdrey, Yeah Miss Lotte Lenya, and Old Lucy Brown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Contains much interesting sociological data about the "fern bars" of good old New York.

Thank you, Dr. Pepper, you’re always so helpful aren’t you? “Survival, Tony, blah blah blah,” and, “You know you can’t help Loki if you’re not taking good care of yourself, now can you?” Clever there, Pep. What was it you were saying to yourself? “Oh, what incentive can I use? Hmm, ha, I know, I will use Loki, after all, what else is he, except an _incentive_ to support someone else’s bullshit ‘recovery’?” Yeah, you’ve really got all the angles covered there, don’t you?

Okay fine, I’m doing it your way (because what the hell else can I do anyway, until I find Loki?). Fine Pepper, fine, here as per request, is a report on my week, spent “supporting my recovery.”

Some fun reading here, Pep, really _interesting_ : Got in touch with the guys about the computer, like you said. They’ve got the prototype done, they were like, “Where were you, Stark? It’s like you dropped off the face of the earth.”

Did I tell them what happened? Oh yes of course, why certainly (and I’ve got a nice beachfront place in Amarillo that I’d love to show you also, if you’re interested, Pep). Anyway though, it turned out okay, because we’ve still got the garage to work in, and they still needed an extra set of hands. Whole day spent cleaning out that place. All the dust, and the _spiders_. It was “good, healthy exercise,” and just what the doctor ordered, now wasn’t it?

~~And no word from anybody about Loki that day.~~

Dear Pepper, you and I both know, I don’t want to write about this crap. And we both know I don’t buy the bullshit about it being “mandatory” anymore. I mean, I know you’ll hold me to _writing_ a journal? Please, Pepper. I could write, “Dear Diary, I am fine how are you,” seven times on one page just before I see you, what are you going to do? I’d be in compliance. Besides, unless I’m in danger, you can’t violate confidentiality, and I’m not in danger, I know that and you know that.

I don’t know what I’m covering up for, Pepper. It’s a dance. You’re the puppeteer, you pull the strings, and ol’ Pinocchio E. Stark dances to whatever tune you have for him. But why? What the hell am I doing it for?

Yeah, fucking yeah, I thought about Loki. I thought about him all week. I don’t think I thought about anything else _but_ him. And I was there talking to the guys about the computer, I was thinking about Loki. I was sweeping out that goddamn garage, I was risking Black Widow bites, or… I don’t know what the hell kinds of spiders there are in upstate New York. I was in there with the deadlies and the creepy-crawlies, I was moving boxes and shit, and I was thinking about Loki. And while I was sleeping, and while I was eating, and while I was at work, and while I was on the train coming home from seeing you last week, and probably on the train back to see you again this week too. Always Loki, it’s all about him. What the hell do you think I’m even staying alive for anymore?

~~I don’t know what I’d do if I found out he was~~

Okay yeah, where was I? Yeah, so about the computer: Guys are still as nice as pie. “Oh yeah, Stark, you’re so _useful_ , you and your _employee discount_.” Goddamn kids, think that’s what it’s all about. A teeny bit of money, and some craptastical Levittown-style garage, and you’re all set, you can _take on the world_. “Yeah, Stark,” they say, Stark’s nice as pie right back too. “Oh, I am so sorry my friends, oh, how could I be so _remiss_ , and I will be here on this day, and this day, and this day, and oh, how I will help you!”

Saves thinking anyway, right?

Clever Pepper, this was your whole idea wasn’t it? Like when I was at McLain (your so-spiffy, inescapable bed-and-breakfast), remember how you kept us busy like _all the time_? And if it wasn’t Group Therapy, it was Individual, it was OT, or PT, or some-goddamn-other-kind-of T, you were The Goddess of Keeping the Druggies Busy there, weren’t you? Silly girl, don’t you know a guy can think, whatever he’s doing? It wasn’t the schedule that kept us clean Pep, it was the walls. Nothing like a bunch of locked doors and some 14-foot walls with barbed wire on top to keep you on the straight and narrow for 30 days.

And it’s not my schedule that’s keeping me from Loki now. Obviously. You know that, don’t you Pepper?

Hey Pepper, I know it’s not your fault. You’ve got a job to do, you’re just doing it. I believe that you believe it, when you tell me that someday I’ll be free of McLain and your goddamn “program” there. I won’t be of course, because Obie’s ~~too smart for you~~ sneaky, and every time I’m getting ready to graduate he’ll quote-unquote “find out” something damaging that gets me sent right back to the starting posts, but I do believe you’re sincere when you say you want to see me finish. And I believe you’re sincere with this bullshit Keep-Tony-Busy garbage you’re pulling now. Do you really believe it’s going to keep me from thinking about Loki? Probably not. But it’s what the books say to do, so you’re doing it.

Aww Pepper, you’re so naïve. Like a cute little girl… You’re like Alice in Wonderland, Pepper, venturing into Looneyland with nothing but your books, and your big, big heart. They don’t fit together, you know that, Pepper?

Yeah, I know you know that. We’ve talked about it, about the DSM, and Section 302, and I know you don’t believe in all that shit. And we’ve talked about Loki… Hell Pepper, you know how I know you know it’s not all in those books? How I know you’re really a human, under the shrinky-shrinky stuff that you’ve got to spout if you want to keep your license? Pepper, I _remember_ :

First time Loki came to my place, you remember? Remember, I talked about it, how I sent him away and that stuff? I remember how worried you were after I told you about that, Pepper. How you were all, “Oh, don’t compromise _your recovery_ , Stark, don’t let anybody _get in the way_ ,” etcetera, but it was all completely different when it was a real kid involved, wasn’t it? You couldn’t stand to see him go down any more than I could, and you were all worried and stuff until I finally found him. You can play the shrink with everyone else, Pepper, but I know you, I’ve seen the human being underneath all that.

You’re just too gullible about Obie, that’s all.

…Yeah, so schedule: I spent my week just ticking off the boxes on the Keeping-the-Druggy-Busy calendar, I was a good boy. Called my friends upstate like you told me to, and I went to work every day like I was supposed to… Hell, I went to a bar. You know, one of _those bars_ …

What I like about you, Pepper, is we have a relationship. I can tell you shit like that, I can say, “I went to a bar.” You’re not going to overreact right away, or think, “Oh my god, he went there to _drink_ , he was going to _score some drugs._ ” You know me, Pepper, just like I know you. 

I went to this bar because some of my friends go there. Wasn’t even the kinky BDSM-bar Victor and his friends like, this was a fern bar. A lot of clones go there… You know the term “clone”, Pepper? Like, your spiffy, up-and-coming young gay men-about-town… God, that I should even be _saying_ that… You know sometimes I love this new post-Stonewall era? Back when I was a kid, _nobody_ was an up-and-coming young gay man-about-town. You were _fucked_ if they found out about you back then, but nowadays?

…Yeah, the clones have their bars, and the BDSM-weirdos have theirs. And the leftover hippies have theirs that they go to, and then there’s me. I guess I’m a clone if I’m anything, I don’t think I’m really anything though. I’m too old to be anything anymore. I’m just the guy that loves Loki, and Loki is unclassifiable.

…Yeah, where was I? Clone-bar. Lots of ferns. Drinks with names like the Harvey Fudgepacker, that some asshole somewhere probably thought was funny. Lot of drinks with umbrellas and that syrupy, liqueur-shit in them. _Seventies_ drinks. But I’ve got some friends that like it, so I went over there.

God, even the _nonalcoholic_ drinks have fucked-up names in this Brave New World of the fern bar. God, what did I have that night? I think they called it a Tom of Finland. (You _don’t_ want to know who he is, Pepper, believe me.) Just your standard bitters mixed with 7-Up, but of course they had to get all complicated about it. It was a _fern bar_.

I took a guy home that night. Nice guy, name of Sam… Wilson, I think. Sam Wilson, just this cute, clean-cut Afro-American guy… That’s one more thing I like about this Brave New World of the Seventies incidentally: Back when I was young he’d have been a Negro, and there’d have had to be all this rigmarole about us being together. A black guy’s just like a white guy, he’s just, you know, darker, and he likes Soul Music instead of that bubblegum-y pop all the white kids like. ~~(They are better built, by the way, that’s been my experience. Don’t blush, Pep, just pretend you didn’t read that.)~~

…Nice guy named Sam, we went home together. It was really good, as long as the lights were on… Long as I could _see_ he wasn’t anything like Loki, it was great, but then we turned the lights off and Jesus…

Sure kept me _busy_ though, Pepper, and wasn’t that the point? Hey, I’ve been _busy_ all week, and that good-old fern bar was like the icing on the cake. Hey, I should go back, right? You know, just keep myself _busy_ some more, maybe have a couple more Tom of Finlands, or a Virgin Nancy-Boy? That’s what it’s all about, is just keeping yourself busy until Loki shows up again ~~( _alive_ , please God)~~ or the court order runs out, whichever comes first.


	20. Yeah the Line Forms on the Right, Babe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hero, Mr. Anthony Stark fails to save someone (again).

Pepper, Loki showed up. He’s Bellvue, Pepper. Psych ward, full restraints, lot of tubes and shit running in and out of his arms. He’s in there because… Well, _you_ know why he’s in there.

Funny thing about how I know he’s there? You know who called me? That would be Big Brother. Mr. Perfect-Thor, Mr. Good-Boy, Mr. Fortunate Son.

So how it happens? I’m sitting at home this one night last week. And I’m being a good boy, no going out, no Virgin Nancy Boys for me, and definitely no one-night stands for me, not that night, because I have to work early the next morning. So I’m sitting there, TV was on and I’m watching _Bonanza_. I think… You know, I dig that show, Pepper. All these pretty-boys on it. That Michael Landon’s got a nice little ass on him ~~(and his face always reminds me a little of Loki’s face)~~.

…Yeah, I’m sitting home watching TV, suddenly all out of the blue the phone rings, and it’s Thor…

I should feel grateful to him, right? Only you know what? I don’t. Not at all.

Like, I know he didn’t have to call, but Jesus. Guy’s so _condescending_ about it, like he didn’t have to do it, like he’s doing me a fucking _favor_. Like, “Well I know Dad’s dead-set against you, but I don’t know, I don’t see where you ever did anything except try and help my brother, and Loki’s always had problems, he was having problems before he ever even met you,” Thor says, and on and on, like we’re lower than the belly on a crawling rattlesnake, Loki and me, but it’s not like Big Brother holds any grudge against us or anything, please don’t think that.

 _Nice_ Big Brother Thor. He lets the lowlife in, the “homosexual,” the “known drug user”. He works it so I can see Loki…

Now you’re really going to say I should feel grateful, aren’t you? You think I don’t know how that thing goes? He’s on suicide watch, 48-hour hold, only immediate family gets to see him, only Thor pulls some strings.

Thanks, Boss, I say, thanks a lot. Oh, and yes sir, Boss, I am _grateful_ , you want to know how _grateful_ I am? And yes sir Boss, I will _use_ the servants’ entrance Boss, I will make sure that I _never_ let Daddy-O see me coming in or going out, I’ll make sure he doesn’t see me _at all_ , Boss! But I’ll come by and let you meet me, Boss, you betcha, I’ll do that…

He did that, you know? He wanted to meet me, him, him and his perfect wife… Oh, and you want to talk about your wonderful family? You want to talk about the image of perfection? The two of them, all pink and shiny like a couple of prize hogs, and Thor, with his hair all short and shit, like these golden bristles all over his head, looking just like hogs’ bristles… And I wasn’t allowed to meet the kids, you understand, because I was a lowlife. I was, you know, a “corrupting influence”. Saw ‘em, though. Couple prize pink piggies, just like Mommy and Daddy.

…Yeah, and I met Thor. And I saw Big Daddy Odin and his wife, at least from far away I saw them. They were about what you’d expect. Daddy-O’s voice was hurty-loud whenever he said anything, and Mommy was… Well she was out there with him, instead of with Loki. I kind of counted that against her.

Anyway though, I got in there and I saw Loki. I slunk in through the servants’ entrance…

Not going to say what it did to my dignity, showing up like that. In my suit that’s seen better days… Hell, it’d seen better days already by the second Eisenhower Administration. I kind of… Well you know, I didn’t used to care about that shit, back when I was popping the pills all the time. It was not, shall we say, a priority. Sure as hell wished I’d thought to care a little more sometime when I was going into that hospital, though. And when I met Thor? Ye gods.

…So there I was with my good old (stress the _old_ ) grey flannel suit, nothing says Young Man About to Succeed like 20-year old Brooks Brothers. …There I was with my haircut that I hadn’t taken care of in too long, and the five o’clock shadow standing out, because of course I’d left for work early that morning, and I didn’t have time to go home and shave, I just went straight to the hospital. And my shoes… Jesus Christ, my _shoes_.

…There I was anyway, and I go in there. …I go in there, I’m feeling lower than pig shit, I’m this little mousy nobody, this failure, this _nothing_. …I go in, and suddenly all of it doesn’t matter. Suddenly I remember why I’m there again.

Christ, Pepper, you should have seen him. Dragged through the asshole of Hell backward doesn’t begin to describe it. And skinny? Well of course he’s always been thin, no matter how things are going, I guess you can’t judge it on that. But his _eyes_ , Pepper. Oh Jesus Christ, I’m never going to forget those eyes.

And he said, “Just kill me, Tony…”

That was it, that was the first thing he said to me: “Just _kill_ me, Tony,” and he looks at me with those eyes…

And I couldn’t hold his hand, because his arms were strapped down… Fresh bandages on both of them, like the long kind, that told you he meant business when he was doing the cutting. I don’t know how they got to him in time to even get him to the hospital. People bleed out pretty fast when they cut themselves like that. …Yeah, he was lying there, and I couldn’t hold his hand, and he was just there, just looking up at me…

He’d taken pills too… You want to hear something funny, Pepper? Remember when I got arrested, just for trying to get some Lithium for him? Yeah, well someone had gotten him some, because that’s what he’d OD’ed on. And Christ, the _pain_ he must have been in, that is not a pretty way to die, Pepper.

It was like a miracle that they managed to save him at all. And there he was lying there, looking like what the cat vomited up on the rug. 

And there I was, I was just sitting there, I was feeling like a complete schmuck. And I say something inane… Hell, I don’t know what I said, “I’m sorry, Loki,” something dumb like that.

Loki looks up at me, and he goes, “Just kill me, Tony.” He says it again, like, “You’d put an animal down if he was suffering, wouldn’t you? And if he couldn’t be cured? Wouldn’t you do that, Tony?”

And… Oh, Christ. I’m like, “You’re not an animal, Loki…”

He was manipulating me. You think I don’t see that? It was an act, a scam, Loki’s the genius of scamming you, he just puts it on, whatever pose he thinks is going to make you do what he wants you to do. And that night he wanted me…

You know, I don’t know what he wanted? He knew I couldn’t really kill him, not there, not in a hospital, not if I ever would have even done it anywhere for him, he knew I couldn’t do it there. So, why?

I think it was revenge, Pepper, that’s why. Because he was punishing me for all the times he’d needed me, and I hadn’t been there for him, and all the times when I’d turned him away, or I’d pushed him off on his parents, when I knew they didn’t care… Aww, Pepper, if he knew how much I’ve been punishing myself? For every single time? You know, I remember every single time I did it, Pepper. And I never stop thinking about them, and I never stop blaming myself…

And don’t come on me with that shit about, “Oh, you can’t blame _yourself_ , Tony, and he is a _deeply-troubled youth,_ Tony, and you were never going to be able to save him.” I’m Anthony Stark, I’m supposed to be able to save people. Even though I’ve never managed to save anyone in my whole miserable life.

My mom? First casualty. I didn’t save her (and she _wanted_ me to, Pepper, oh god, she wanted me to). My dad? I don’t know if I’d count him. He should have been fucking saving me, Pepper. But definitely Loki. He came to me, and came to me, and came to me. He’s the only man I’ve ever really loved… The only _person_ I’ve ever really loved, at least since I said good-bye to Jarvis. I should. Have fucking. Saved him, Pepper. That’s just all there is to it. And I didn’t… And I can’t…

He is going to die, Pepper. Sooner or later, he is going to fucking die, and there is nothing I can do about it. And it _hurts_ , Pepper. Oh god almighty, how it hurts.

Give me a prescription for something, Pepper. Anti-anxiety, some kind of bullshit medication. Xanax isn’t addictive, they say, or you could give me just a short-term prescription for some Valium. Can’t you see I’m trying here? Did I go out and get drunk last night? Did I buy pills… You think I couldn’t have gotten some if I’d wanted to? I didn’t take anything, and I didn’t drink anything. Not even some wacky weed, and everyone knows that’s like the lightest high you can get. I left that hospital clean and sober, and I’m coming in to see you today, still clean, still sober, but I can’t keep on like this, Pepper, I really, really can’t.

…Anyway, Loki. Just lying there, just barely making a dent in that cold hospital bed. Just lying there, as pale as the sheets, except for his eyes, and they were like two dark wounds. And all I could do, Pepper… I just stood there, looking at him.

And, “I’m sorry, Loki,” I said.

And he said, “You should be sorry.”

And I said, “Can I see you again?”

He looked at me… This is what he said, Pepper, he said, “ _They_ probably won’t let you.” And this nod toward the door, like, he nods toward the door and he gives me this significant look. This look, like he wants to see me again… That’s something, right? Like, maybe they can still put him back together again? Perhaps?

Only they can’t, I know it. He’s going to go, one way or another, sooner or later. And it’s going to hurt, Pepper.

Valium’s recommended for short-term use only, I looked it up, Pepper. How short term would that have to be? I’ll tell you what, you give me the prescription for just a week or two, after that I’ll go it alone. For the rest of my life, I’ll be alone, no chemical crutches ~~(and no Loki, soon enough, I know it)~~.


	21. Now That Mackey's Back in Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hero, Mr. Anthony Stark, discusses the state of psycho-therapeutic medicine in the United States.

Aversion therapy (AKA one more reason why faggots don’t trust shrinks): You know what that is, Pepper? You do, don’t you? You go around all la-di-da, all hearts-and-flowers, and look at the pretty birdies, oh look at me, aren’t I special, the little woodland creatures come and cluster about me when I sing, I’m so good, I’m so wonderful, but you know. Nobody in your profession could possibly not know, could they?

That’s what they’re doing to Loki. I’ve been out and I’ve seen him. At the “secure facility,” fancy-pants, extremely expensive private place where Daddy stashed him after he left Bellvue. It’s quite near McLain, actually, only you know they couldn’t put him in McLain. One thing you are right about Pepper, is you guys don’t do aversion therapy. Don’t worry about that, all you parents who want to torture your sons back onto the straight and narrow, because there are plenty of places nearby that do. This one is one of them. I don’t remember what it’s called. Sturbridge, or Bellgard, one of those stick-up-the-ass, Mainline Protestant kind of names they hang on everything in Massachusetts. Name that sounds like it came over on the Mayflower, like some old-timey Puritan witch-burner packed it up in his steamer trunk right alongside his Bible, before he climbed onto that boat that took him over to the New World. Kind of name that says, “Don’t know about you folks, but we _keep_ the Sabbath around here, and what’s more, we’ll torture anybody who disagrees with us,” and that’s what they’re doing to Loki there, is they’re torturing him.

He shouldn’t be locked up, you know. I mean yeah, I get it, I saw him. He was crazy, out of control, he nearly killed himself… _Christ_. But they knew what he needed. Get the Lithium into him, keep him still long enough for it to start working, then why do you need him after that? He needs a shrink? Fine, he needs a shrink. When he’s on the Lithium, he understands that, you get him a shrink, he’ll go to him, and he’ll get better. Why does he need to be locked up? But that’s what Mommy and Daddy did to him, I mean, they sat there, and they _chose_ to do it…

By the way, anyone who wants to say anything good about Loki’s mom? They better not say it around me. Who does that to their kid? Or if it was all Daddy-O’s idea, who just sits there and lets their husband do that? I mean, he’s her kid too, isn’t he? And she couldn’t have said _something_?

…Secure facility, “pastoral setting, rural Massachusetts…” They don’t ever talk about the razor wire around the place, do they? About the ugly buildings, that look like a barracks, stink of urine and terror that hangs over all of those places, even the best of them. They never talk about that, do they? It’s always, “Oh, we’re so pastoral, oh, we’re so tranquil. You can trust us, you can send your loved ones here, we will take good care of them, we will send them home cured.” Then once the relatives go away, they turn the key and there you are, and you can’t get out until _they_ say you’re cured. And they can do whatever the fuck they want with you. In Loki’s case, it’s huge doses of Thorazine that turn him into a zombie, and sessions of aversion therapy ( _torture_ ) every day.

And I went out there… 

Pepper, I went out there. Courtesy of Thor. Goddamned Thor, Thor the God, Thor that I should be grateful to, only fuck it, I’m not. …Thor sets it up and I go out there, two days after they get Loki into that place, and I take the day off work to do it, because… _Christ_ …

A guy’s allowed to have some sick time. I took a fuckin’ sick day, told the manager I had a fever of 110, told him I was vomiting all over the place, and I went out there…

Christ, Pepper. You forget just what kind of snake pits those places are. Hellholes, nightmare cages… Hey, after I visit you this week, what say I take a little visit over to Inpatient and “refresh my memory,” as it were? Only I won’t of course. Why should I? What good would it do? What _point_ would it serve? Anyway, I just saw all that shit when I visited Loki.

… _Jesus_ , Pepper.

And I go there. I turn up, looking my best, during “visiting hours,” god help us all, which are every Thursday from 2:00 to 6:00. I turn up, wearing my Brooks Brothers suit (again), and my hair freshly cut, and my face freshly shaved, I turn up with a nice _package_ under my arm, no “contraband substances” in there, just some cookies that I got from a bakery near work… Christ, the things you do. As if Loki ever gave a good goddamn about _cookies_. …I go there, I see Thor… I pretend not to see him, but at least this time I don’t have to pretend not to see Daddy and Mommy as well. Guess they couldn’t make it this time. Oh well, what was it anyway? Just their first goddamn chance to visit their son, since they’d had him locked up in that hellhole. Not like it was anything special or anything, why should they visit?

…Anyway, I’m there. And finally I got in to see Loki. And god, Pepper, just god… I mean, I don’t know…

What am I supposed to say, Pepper, that I’m glad I got to see him? That I’m _glad_ he’s there, at least he’s getting the help he needs, is that what they want me to say? You tell me what to say, Pepper, and that is literally what I will say. Just tell me. It can be anything.

Good-boy Anthony Stark with his hat in his hand. I’m just standing here waiting to bow and scrape, waiting to fucking kow-tow, you tell me what to do and I will do it. Don’t know what good it will do me, because Loki will still be trapped in that snake pit, but I don’t know, maybe?

Maybe what? I don’t know. Maybe…

Maybe nothing, I can’t do anything for him. He is trapped there, rat in a cage, he is trapped… Worse than a rat… You ever take Thorazine, Pepper?

You know one time I had an orderly tell me that stuff is better than a strait jacket. And he didn’t mean better for him, Pepper, that was the bad part. He meant it was better for the patient. Christ, that he could say that. _No one_ could say that, that had actually taken Thorazine.

You know what that stuff’s like, Pepper? I mean, have you got any idea? You doctors and nurses, you “psychiatric establishment…” You think you’re being so good and so kind. Old version, the patient gets locked up. Crazier they act, the smaller the cage they get put in, until it’s not even a cage any more, it’s some kind of goddamn canvas and straps and shit, and they’re trussed up so they can’t even move. Patient gets out and they’re covered with bruises, they’re covered with raw places, bleeding places, where those goddamn straps wore through their skin.

…And hell, what do you do if that’s not enough? Don’t have to tell you, do I? What did they do? _Lobotomies_ , that’s what they fucking did. You think they never did lobotomies on homosexuals, Pepper? Come on, please, you know that they did.

Yeah. You guys who saw all that stuff, or… I don’t know, maybe you never even saw it yourself. Maybe you _read_ about it. History of Mental Health Care in the United States. These rosy, pretty stories, these _pictures_ … Fake pictures, Pepper. Stories that say, “Progress, we’ve made progress,” but the stories are lies.

You ever taken Thorazine, Pepper? They ought to make a law that none of you people that call yourself doctors, none of you “psychiatric establishment” can prescribe anything for a patient, that you haven’t tried for yourself. Thorazine is like… Well I’ve been in a strait jacket, Pepper. I’ve tried the padded cells, and I’ve even had some hydrotherapy, way back long ago, back in the 50’s when they used to use that stuff. Thorazine’s worse. Thorazine’s like… Well I can’t even say what it’s like.

Like someone caged your brain is what it’s like. No, it’s not, because at least in a cage? In one of those padded cells? You can always see some light, like, there’ll be a door, or there’ll be bars… Strait jacket’s bad, but at least you can _see_ the world, you know it’s not all like that. Thorazine, you can’t see anything. Not really see it, you can’t, not see it like it means something. Thorazine’s like someone’s set your brain in plaster, like there’s no moving, no thinking, no hope…

And the worst part of what they’re doing to Loki, is that that’s not the worst part. Hook some electrodes up to a guy and you show him stuff. …Show him _slides_ , here’s a picture of a girl in her bathing suit, now it changes and it’s a man… Show him these slides, but it’s rigged, see. You watch the girl slides, nothing happens, but you watch the man ones? Christ, Loki’s so full of goddamn Thorazine right now, he couldn’t have an erection if his life depended on it. He’s a fuckin’ _vegetable_. But I guess they think that makes him “suggestible” or something. It’s like hypnotism, they’re going to give him these “post-hypnotic suggestions,” and I guess they’re supposed to stick when he’s off the drugs again.

Show the guy a picture of a naked man, and you shock him at the same time. Yeah, that’ll stop a man being homosexual, won’t it? That’ll put the fucker back on the straight-and-narrow, next thing you know he’s the Man in the Grey Flannel Suit, he’s buying a house in fuckin’ Levittown. You want to make a man into a good citizen? Shoot some goddamn _electricity_ into the fucker, yeah, that’ll do it all right.

Ought to get the whole goddamn Age of Aquarius in there, ought to do fuckin’ _aversion therapy_ on all of them. Got some news for the goddamn “psychiatric establishment” in this fuckin’ country” Your “aversion therapy” isn’t going to stop the Sexual Revolution. That is proceeding right fuckin’ on-schedule, take that and shove it up your goddamn ass. Shove it where the sun don’t shine, you think you can stop the future? Future’s gonna run right over you.

…Only that’s not going to do much for Loki. Loki’s behind bars at goddamn Sturbridge, he’s getting drugs, and shock therapy, he’s getting all this shit… Christ, Pepper, I mean Jesus. What’s a guy supposed to do?


	22. Look Out, Old Mackeys BACK!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hero, Anthony Stark, breaks the therapeutic relationship.

Dear Pepper, you were cool about me not having a journal for you last week. This counts as one too, okay? Got a lot on my mind right now.

__________________________

Saw Loki this week, Pepper. Tell you about it when I see you.

__________________________

Pepper, what do you want me to do? Just write bullshit? THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE QUICK BROWN FOX JUMPED OVER THE LAZY DOG. There, I wrote a journal for this week.

__________________________

Saw Loki. Some shit happened.

__________________________

Dear Obie, you can go fuck yourself. You can take your goddamned court order and stick it where the sun don’t shine. Congratulations, Pepper, you are doing the enemy’s work.

Patient Anthony Stark had a good week. He did not take any drugs, he did not drink any alcohol, and he was regular in his attendance at work, and at all designated therapeutic appointments. 

_Narc-Anon_ , Pepper. I’m not writing any more for that fucker to read.

__________________________

Dear Pepper, THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT. Long enough? Any letters I send are for you, and not for my so-called “confidential” file.

__________________________

Dear Obie, kindly go fuck yourself, please. Fuck yourself long and hard, I will loan you the dildo to do it with. I’ll get you a nice big one, nice and long and hard. And fat, Obie, I’ll get you a good fat one. You would not believe the dildos the leathermen are using these days, and I know the bar where they all go, I’ll go there and I’ll ask them real nice to share me their best one for you. Or hey Obie, why don’t we eliminate the middle man? You could go there yourself. You would have a _ball_ there, Obie, guaranteed, and oh wouldn’t they love playing with you?

Obie, you are a lousy CEO. You couldn’t run a lemonade stand, and Dad didn’t like you, he used to say all the time what a pussy you are. That’s what you are, by the way, Obie, you’re a pussy. A big, gaping, juicy pussy. You want to take it up the ass, don’t you? You would love a big cock in there wouldn’t you? Get you into one of those leather bars, you’ll be the one in the back room, up in the stirrups while a guy in black chaps takes you hard.

Also that bald head of yours looks just like a circumcised dick. Also you’re fat, and you aren’t very bright. And did I mention what a crap-tastical CEO you are yet?

Dear Obie, A is for that puckery little asshole of yours, let me find someone to fill it for you. B is for the brains you don’t have, and C is for the fact that you’re a cunt. D is for

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK  
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK  
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK FUCKFUCKFUCK

Pepper, I was going to write but I got busy. We’ll talk, right? And yeah, I’m being good, natch.

__________________________

Dear Pepper, I know I’m off the rails, but fuck. You know it’s funny, because I really don’t want to go back to it. The whole thing, you know Pepper, the drugging and that stuff. Pepper, I like being clean, I like being able to look in the mirror and… Well it’s a matter of self-respect, I guess. Used to be I’d look in the mirror and all I saw was an addict, there wasn’t any reason for me to even want to be clean, but now?

Pepper, he’s out. What was I supposed to do? When he came to me… God, I’m glad he came to me, and oh god, Pepper…

Anyone can get anything from a dealer, you just have to be willing to jump through the right hoops. And you have to know the right dealer. Remember that story Bruce used to tell? Back when we were all roommates together, back at McLain, and he’d tell about that other time when he was drying out? I don’t remember where the place was, he’d talk about how there was a town maybe five miles away. There was a bar in that place, remember, he said? You went in there, they’d give you a free drink in return for the one-month sober-coin you got when you left the hospital.

Yeah, it’s not like that for an addict. Dealers have to be careful too, you know? They are dealing in an illegal product, they have to be careful who they sell to, and I have a pretty bad name with the dealers in New York, believe me.

Yeah, it wasn’t easy, but I did what I had to do, and I got some Lithium. After he came to me I did that, because I wasn’t going to do it before, I didn’t know. I mean, I knew…

Hell, Pepper, he shows up at my door, it’s the last thing in the world I was expecting. He’s not _out_ , Pepper, he escaped. I mean, if anyone would, but…

Pepper, I don’t give a shit how he got out, and I don’t give a shit why he got out, but if you think I’m going to let him go back there? There’s places a guy can go, this brave new world we live in, this Age of Aquarius.

I’m not going to tell you where we are, Pepper, because I’m sorry. Court order from Obie, you’re going to have to give this shit up, you think I don’t know that? Let’s just say we’re someplace really groovy, place where sometimes I think they still believe it’s the Summer of Love. Sometimes it’s the most horrible place you can go, there are some really mean streets here, Pepper, but I guess it’s the same way everywhere, right? Anyway, there are some good places too, Pepper. It’s a place where they’re used to people putting on a new identity, and that helps, and believe me, Pepper? It gets too hot for us here, there are plenty of other places we can go. Lot of groovy little kids here, who think the whole world would be better if they just had a little commune someplace up in the mountains. We start feeling the heat here, that’s where we’re going. We’ll be living on bean sprouts, and I don’t know, digging I guess, and composting.

So don’t try to find me, is what I’m saying. I’m sorry Pepper, because it was good while it lasted. And believe me, I know what I’m turning my back on here. You think I don’t know? I’m giving Obie Dad’s company forever, and I know it. But what was I going to do?

He came to me… God, Pepper. …Late at night, and he comes… Fat, Pepper, he’s fatter than he ever was, and that’s the drugs, Pepper. Thorazine will do that to you, and how they keep you penned up in a place like that, noplace to go, nothing else to do but eat the shit they serve up as meals in there. I know Loki, he’ll be thin as a rail again in no time, but you know what, I don’t really care.

He’s here, Pepper. _My_ Loki is here. With me. And I’m never letting him go again.

He came late at night like he always does. And he came wearing these godawful clothes, that were what he was wearing at the hospital.

And he came, and he had this knife in his hand. Switchblade knife, Pepper, the kind all the hoods carry, god knows where he got that thing from. He comes in and he says, “You tell anyone, you even try to send me back,” and he makes this gesture, Pepper. Right away he has that knife out, blade is pointing down, right at his heart. And for just a second there, I thought he was going to do it.

You do crazy stuff when you’re scared. I wasn’t listening to what he said, I just saw that knife.

I’m like, “No, Loki, no,” and I’m like, “No, I’m not going to tell anyone.”

And then he puts the knife away, and he tells me what happened, says he knew he was going to be able to get out when they stopped giving him the injections. Because that’s how they give you your drugs, when you’re really bad, because they don’t trust you to take pills, see? What am I telling you about that for? You know that, you’re part of the “psychiatric establishment”.

So he told me that they put him on pills like a week or so ago. I visited him that week, but he didn’t talk about it then, he probably didn’t want them getting suspicious. And they gave him what’s called “off-grounds privileges”, that is he was allowed to go into town with a visitor. And he said his brother came to visit him…

He’s getting happier by then, he’s like, “Well I knew eventually it would be Thor, but I never thought I’d get this lucky.” And he says how he was going to wait until it was _just_ Thor, he’s like, “Well Mother would have figured it out in a minute, and even _that woman_ …” That’s what he calls Thor’s wife, see, she’s always “that woman,” or he’ll call her, “my so-called sister-in-law”… Yeah, a lot of anger there, Pepper. Tell me something I don’t know, why don’t you?

He says, “I was so lucky, because just Thor came,” and he laughs. He says, “I’ve always been able to pull the wool over his eyes…” And he shows me something, Pepper. He has his brother’s wallet, and he pulls it out, he shows it to me and he laughs.

That’s how he got back to the city, Pepper. He used his brother’s money, and he shows me, there’s still some left. We used what was left to buy our tickets to… But don’t think I’m dumb enough to tell you where we are that easily, Pepper. Anyway, we’re together.

God, Pepper, that night? And he didn’t sleep much, I think he was too tired to sleep. And he wanted to fuck, all night long. Tell the truth, all I wanted to do was hold him, I just wanted to hold onto him tight, try to get it through my head he was really there, but after what he’d been through? Anyway, he came to _me_. Could have been Vic or one of the S &M guys, but he came to _me_. He asked me to stand on my head, I would have done that, and he got all the fucking he wanted.

And finally he did fall asleep. There in my arms, he fell asleep, and believe me Pepper, he looked just like an angel. There in my arms, with his eyes closed, those long lashes of his against his pale cheeks, and a little smile on his face. I just lay there with him, and we fell asleep like that, and it was like coming home, Pepper.


	23. And Anthony Stark is GONE...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (...Or perhaps he's overdramatizing everything again.)

Dear Pepper, you know I really wonder about what’s happening back there? And I wasn’t going to write you again, just in case, you know, in case Obie might be looking for me, and he’d get a court order. I know that shit, I know you can’t keep anything secret if he slaps one of those things on you. So I wasn’t going to write, or then I was thinking maybe I could write, but I would go to another city and I’d post the letter there. Then I get to thinking, and I’m like, “Hey, get a load of yourself, Stark. You think Obie gives a shit about where _you_ are? He only cares about the _company_ , that’s all he ever cared about.”

But you used to care about me, didn’t you? And maybe you do still, at least a little? God, it gets lonely out here, Pepper. Out here in… Well, I’m not going to tell you where, because you know. Who knows, I might be wrong, Obie might be looking for me after all. He’s not of course, but he might be.

God, Pepper, everyone here… I mean, like, it’s the whole city… They talk a lot about love out here, and they talk about doing your own thing. Yeah, everything’s groovy out here, except underneath it’s not so groovy. Where’s a place where a guy can take his sick boyfriend (who’s sick because his family _made_ him sick, because they didn’t love him enough to love him the way he is)? I mean, there is no such place, is there? You get to thinking like there should be such a place, but there isn’t, and sometimes it just makes you sad.

He’s not taking his Lithium, Pepper. You remember where I said I got some for him? Well he’s not taking it, I found out about that… Oh, I don’t know when I found out.

I was at a biker bar, okay? That’s where I got it from I mean, I went to this biker bar. Real hard-ass place, full of Hells Angels. You remember, the guys that busted up that Rolling Stones concert at Altamont? I go there and I get the stuff, then maybe a month later I go back again, because you know, drugs run out after a while.

…Yeah, when you’re taking them they do anyway. Which Loki isn’t, and he hasn’t been for… 

_Jesus_. …Yeah anyway, I get the Lithium, and I go home, right? I go back to that little rat-trap of a place we’re renting, that place that’s in what they call the “gay” part of town, only it’s not very “gay”, it’s just really ugly and mean. …I go and I get into his suitcase, and I find the other bottle in there, the one from before. And it was _half full_ , Pepper. Jesus, he maybe took that stuff for ten days, a couple weeks, tops, and that’s all.

Pepper, why? I’m not his parents, I’m not trying to hurt him. All I ever tried to do was help him, and…

All I ever _tried_ to do, was love him, Pepper. Just to love him, and try to give him what he needed. But he wouldn’t take it, Pepper, not from me… I don’t know, maybe he wouldn’t have taken it from anybody, and now he’s…

God, you should see the scenes we’ve been having lately. Because he’s _always_ out any more… No, that’s not true. He brings men home, Pepper, sometimes more than one of them, but you know I don’t think that’s the worst part?

Worst part, Pepper: God, he comes home and he _tells_ me about it, that’s the worst part. Every single time, he tells me about it, and oh god, Pepper, the smile he’ll get on his face…

Where does it come from, Pepper? The anger, I mean, and the meanness, where do they come from? What did I ever do? And I know what I did, I did nothing, only that’s not true, what I did was I meddled. I poked my goddamn nose in where it didn’t belong, I got in the way between Loki and…

Between Loki and destruction, there, Pepper, I said it. God, he had a date with destruction before I even met him, then I got in the way. …I was so fucking oblivious, too, I mean, how could I not have seen it? Vic tried to tell me, _you_ tried to tell me…

You’re going to be wondering how I’m doing, aren’t you? Since I bothered to write and all, I mean? Yeah, how am I doing?

Oh, Pepper, you don’t want to know how I’m doing. Let’s just keep it on the basics, all right? I’m here, I got a job, I’m paying my rent. I’m incognito, of course, but that’s not a problem. Half the guys you meet out here, they aren’t who they say they are. You don’t have to be, the businesses will hire you just if they like you, and if you can’t get a driver’s license? Hell, who needs a driver’s license? They’ve got subway, and trains, and ~~cable cars~~

Yeah, scratch that last part. Just pretend you didn’t see it, then if Obie comes in you can play dumb and really mean it.

What I was saying is we have _got_ public transportation out here, we’ve got public transportation that makes New York look _sick_. Also the gay bars are better out here… Hell, _bars_? Whole goddamn city is like one big gay bar out here, and you should see the beach. It’s Hog Heaven for a homosexual out here, a guy could have so much sex if he wanted to.

Only I don’t want to, Pepper. No matter what I do, I can’t make myself want to, because when I try? I have tried, Pepper. Nights when I’m all alone in that goddamn apartment, nights when I don’t know when Loki’s coming back, or if he’s coming back, or if he could have been killed… I mean, I have to go to work, right? Doesn’t matter what happens to me, or what happens to ~~my boyfriend~~ Loki, or if I can sleep or not, none of that matters. Come morning I’ve got to get up and go to work, can’t be late, or I won’t have a job, or an apartment, or anything. And I’ll lie there and I’ll try to sleep, only then I’ll get to thinking about that shit and I get up again.

…Nights when there’s only one thing keeping me from doing drugs, or going out and getting as drunk as possible, and that’s you, Pepper. Because self-respect? Ha, I have no self-respect. My self-respect goes out the door, it goes out little by little, every time Loki brings another man home, or when he’ll look at me with that smile on his face, and he has to tell _every single thing_ he did the night before. Yeah, you try having self-respect when somebody’s doing that to you, Pepper, you just try it, good luck.

…And I’ll lie there stewing for a while, and then I’ll get up, and I’ll try going to some of those gay bars, hell, I’ll even go down to the beach if the night is warm enough, I’ll try to cruise down there sometimes Doesn’t work though, it never works. Why? 

Because all I can think about is Loki, that‘s why? Because I’ll be in there… And you can see _everything_ around here, Pepper. New York is _nothing_ on this place. Want to see a guy sucking another man off right out on the street in broad daylight? Want to see a guy get fisted while a whole barful of men watch? Or how about pissing in another man’s mouth? Do you get off on that, maybe? Christ, you can see all of that, every single fucking day, and in every single part of the city, except maybe outside the Mayor’s office at City Hall. I could see that… I could _do_ that, Pepper, and don’t think I haven’t thought about it.

But every time I try, I mean, every single time, what happens is I start thinking about Loki, I’ll start thinking how he’s done all that stuff… How he’s _doing_ it, Pepper, how he’s out doing it every single fucking night, and how he’ll come home afterward and he’ll tell me about it. …About his _face_ , Pepper, and that evil smile he always has when he tells me that stuff…

I can’t get that face out of my mind, Pepper, not when I’m at work, and not when I’m at home. …And for sure not when I’m out trying to have a good time at a bar, Pepper, I just can’t stop thinking about him whenever I’m out, and instead I’ll start thinking about maybe having a few. Or I’ll see a drug dealer in there, I’ll start thinking maybe I could get some pills off him, just so I could get some sleep that night for a change. I know it’s a fool’s path, but I’m not going to lie to you, that’s about all I think about any more. And the only thing that stops me is thinking about you, I just remember that I’ve got a friend in Massachusetts, because you are still my friend, aren’t you?

And I kind of hope you don’t answer this, Pepper, I’m kind of afraid of what you would say if you did. But who am I kidding, you won’t answer it. Hell, you think I’m going to put a forwarding address on the envelope? What would you do, send it General Delivery? And now I’m going to have to _not_ go to the post office, just in case you do answer this, and I’m going to have to keep on _not_ thinking about Loki, I just have to keep my head down, and go to work, and come home, and try to sleep, and then get up every morning and do the same thing all over again.

Christ, Pepper, what’s the point of all this, can you tell me that?


	24. Nope, he's Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And having second thoughts about his so-called Grand Mission.

This wasn’t even going to be a letter, but guess what, it is. I don’t care if Obie knows where I am any more, I don’t care who knows. Maybe this is a cry for help? No it isn’t, because there’s no help. No help for someone like me. ~~No help for someone like Loki~~

Dear Pepper, I came home one night and he wasn’t here, and now I’m scared, Pepper, I think he’s dead, and I’m never even going to know. Get the newspaper, read the obituaries. Obituaries, ha. You think everyone who dies gets an obituary? Read the crime section, but maybe it won’t be a crime that gets him. Read the news stories. Cold night, rain, bodies found, dead of exposure. Random crimes, beatings… Two kinds of people getting beaten to death out there, your homosexuals, and your kids that are living on the street, and did you notice something, Pepper? Notice how Loki fits both categories? Someday he’s going to be beaten to death and I won’t even know, and he’ll be lucky if he’s even a statistic, you know how many bodies never get found? Shove ‘em into the bay, bury ‘em out in the country somewhere, and no one ever finds ‘em. Derelict building. Bodies there maybe. Whose bodies? Just some hippie, some runaway kid, teenager whose parents didn’t want him, so he came out here. Some kid took an overdose. Pressure got too bad, and the pain. Happens all the time, Pepper, you don’t think it does?

Yeah, what’s the point anyway? You get up, you go to work, you come home. What’s the point of it all? Stay away from the pills. What’s the point? Don’t drink. What’s the point? And you keep your nose clean, stay on the straight and narrow. Is there a point to it all? No, there is not.

At the end of the day you’re still alone. Everything’s gone, everyone’s gone. Everyone that you love has been taken from you, and you’re all alone, and I ask you, Pepper, just what is the fucking point of it all? And there’s nothing you can answer me, even if you were here you couldn’t answer that one ~~and I’m never going to see Loki again, he’s dead somewhere and I’m never even going to know about it~~.

I don’t know, Pepper, maybe it’s time to go home. And I don’t mean New York. New York’s shit. Anyway, I’ve already fucked myself back there, so what’s the point? I’m already out in California, I’m just going to go home. Back to Los Angeles. Got my fake ID already, I can get a job there just as easy as I got one here. If I want a job anyway, maybe I’ll just go home to die. Saved some money while I’ve been working here, it’s enough to pay for a good handful of pills.

Joke, Pepper: A year ago I probably couldn’t have killed myself with a handful… Hell, probably couldn’t have killed myself with pills no matter how many I took a year ago, I had my tolerance up so high back then. Now my body’s all cleaned out, kind of a funny joke, or… I don’t know, maybe you did me a favor, Pepper, because I for sure can’t live like this, not wondering all the time ~~, not without Loki~~.

People think it’s sunny all the time in L.A. It’s not really, but it’s sunny most of the time. Warm sunshine, cold sunshine, sunshine and wind some of the time, and there’s about one month out of the year when it’s never sunny. Go there in June and you won’t even know there is a sun, not unless you go inland. _Warm_ in L.A., Pepper. You know what warm feels like? You remember? God, the winters back east, and ~~San Francisco~~ where I am now it’s just as bad. Not as cold, but it feels cold, and the sun never shines here, ever, it’s just grey, grey, grey, and fog and rain, every single day.

One day I’m going to get up, I’ll just go down to the Greyhound station, hop the first bus out of here. First bus going _south_ , Pepper. Going to watch the towns go by outside my window. San Jose, Salinas, Santa Barbara. Camino Real, Pepper, that’s the name of it. Means Royal Road, it’s the first road, it was built by… I don’t know, Spanish settlers built it, I think that’s the story. Every California kid knows the Camino Real, Pepper, and the signs, on posts that look like Mission bells.

Gonna just roll down the Camino Real, Pepper, just going south, just going home. Gonna leave this cold, mean city behind me, because there’s nothing for me here anymore ~~not now that Loki is~~

Gonna go _home_ , Pepper. Sunny streets and palm trees, and I’ll get a job doing… I’ll get some kind of a job, I don’t care what. I don’t need much, not unless I start with the pills again.

I don’t want to take the pills again, and I won’t, Pepper, and if I do, you better believe I won’t stop with just one, I’ll keep taking them until I’m gone for good.

…Yeah, south to Los Angeles, Pepper. Got some pretty good memories of Los Angeles, times when I was there and I wasn’t too strung-out to remember anything, anyway. Bar called the House of Ivy… That one was over by Pershing Square, and believe me Pepper, Pershing Square has a reputation. …I mean, it _had_ a reputation. I don’t know if it still does. Used to be that’s where you’d go if you wanted… You know what I mean, right? If you wanted some action, you’d go there, some action with another man. 

That’s over by Olvera Street, and my mom would take me over there… No she wouldn’t, not really, she was usually too drugged out to take me anywhere. Jarvis would take me there. When I was real little… You know, Pepper, a kid gets bored. …He would take me there. They have this booth, I don’t know if it’s still there. A photographer’s booth, like, just an ordinary photographer, he was nothing special, but he had this donkey he would put you on. Like just this fake donkey, I don’t know if they’re even zoned so he could have a real donkey there. This was just a fake one, and even so, there were lots of other photographers there, they have fake donkeys too. This one looked like a piñata, Pepper. You know, all red and pink, kind of fluffy looking? And the photographer had this Mexican hat… You know, like a sombrero? …Big velvet hat, it was gold I think, or maybe orange, but it had faded a little. Little kid, in a big, sparkly hat, sitting on this big, pink donkey… God, we got so many photos from that place, and then we’d go somewhere else and we’d get tacos.

I don’t know why I told you all that. All I’m trying to tell you is that there are places you can go in L.A. There are places where I did go, and Pershing Square was one of them. And there were all these bars around there, and some of them had a reputation, if you know what I mean. First time I ever bought a drink was at one of those places. I think it was the House of Ivy, but maybe it was Maxwell’s… You had to be really careful at Maxwell’s. That place was full of _flamers_. You know what I mean by that?

God, the kind of men you would see at Maxwell’s. _Fairies_ , Pepper, all these limp-wristed, pansy-type, really fairy kind of men. Kind of men who don’t talk, they lisp, and they don’t laugh, they scream. Kind of men who are an embarrassment, and it wasn’t just them either, there would be all these queens there. You know what I mean by queens? Men dressed as ladies, okay? Some of them almost convincing, and some of them where you can tell. Some of them, looked like they wanted you to know they were men, I don’t know why they would even do that, why they’d go out like that in public.

~~Guys like that kind of remind me of Loki. That’s crazy, isn’t it? Because they don’t give a shit, not a single shit, they’re just out doing their own thing, dressing their own way. They get beat up more than other homosexuals too, I don’t know how many of them are getting killed, every single day.~~

I don’t know, I was just saying… Who cares if the Vice Squad is out there, to entrap you, no matter if you even try anything? You think it’s not dangerous up here? Think the Hells Angels are gentler than the LAPD? In your fucking dreams, baby, I’ll take my chances with the cops.

I don’t know, Pepper. I just wanted to write you, just wanted to tell you what’s going on. You can picture me going south to L.A. sometime this winter, you know, unless I decide to end it all, anyway. I don’t really care if you tell Obie, what’s he going to do to me that hasn’t been done already?

If I find anything out about Loki, I’ll let you know… Hell, who am I fooling? I’m never going to find out anything.


	25. Turn and Face the Strange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which hero, Anthony Stark, makes a difference.

“And these children that you spit on,  
As they try to change their worlds  
Are immune to your consultations,  
They're quite aware what they're going through.”  
\-- David Bowie, “Changes”

~~Dear Pepper, I saw him in the street and he looked at me, and he didn’t say anything. And we were outside one of those biker bars he likes, he was doing things… _You_ know what he was doing out there. …And I knew I was wasting my time looking for him, but I was there anyway, and I saw him. And he saw me too, I saw him looking at me, but he didn’t even say anything, he just looked at me for a minute, then he turned back to his friends like I was nobody. He never even said anything, Pepper. What the hell was that supposed to mean? I don’t know, fuck this shit, Pepper, there’s no point. And fuck this letter too, I know I’m not going to send it, and fuck everything, I give up.~~

**Transcript from the taped session, 6/7/1971**  
You can keep that recorder going if you want to, I don’t care. It doesn’t bother me, that doesn’t make this a session. I’m not “seeing” you, Dr. Potts. And as for that “sliding scale” you mentioned? What made you think I’d need that anyhow? Listen, my father’s wealthy, didn’t Anthony tell you that? If I were seeing you, which I’m not, I’d sock him with the charges. He’s the one who broke me in the first place, let him be the one who pays to have me fixed. 

I’m here for one reason, Dr. Potts; I brought you this letter. It was addressed to you, so I took it. You can put it in Anthony’s files. Does someone still have a file after their dead? Because that’s what happened to Anthony, Dr. Potts; he died, and it was _your_ fault. Because you knew he relied on you, and where were you when he needed you? And please don’t start with a lot of your psychiatrist-bullshit. You knew you were more than a psychiatrist to him, and you knew what he was doing. The least you could have done was stopped him. 

You knew what Anthony was, and you knew what I am. _You_ knew. He couldn’t see clearly. Right up to the end, he was blinded by… I don’t know. Love, I guess you’d call it? He used to say he loved me, but you know, we both said so many things. …Anthony thought he could love me safely, but you knew better, didn’t you Dr. Potts? You saw clearly, and you knew I was toxic, but you sat there, you let him throw his life away for me. A gentle, good man is dead because of you, Dr. Potts, because _you_ didn’t do anything. Have you ever seen someone die of a drug overdose? Do you know what it’s like? You must, you’re a psychiatrist in an addiction clinic. …No, you’re the _Head_ of the clinic, aren’t you? Isn’t that what Anthony told me? Just so you know, that’s how Anthony died, and it was ugly. Very ugly. And it was lonely. I came later, but that was after. I saw him, but I couldn’t help by then. Am I getting through to you, Dr. Potts, or are you just like all the others?

Listen, is it true you told him to cut me loose? I wish he’d done that. He’d be alive now if he had. Because I am a bad bargain, Dr. Potts, just like you told him, but Anthony... I never could get him to see that. Right up until the end, right up to the last time I saw him, and I looked into his eyes, and all I could see was love there.

And he used to want me to say I loved him too, but I don’t know. I think I’m incapable of love. “Feelings”, what are feelings, Dr. Potts? I have so many “feelings”… You ask my father, he’ll tell you: I’m incapable, I’m mentally ill. Manic Depressive Disorder, that’s the diagnosis, that and the homosexuality.

Is it true you don’t believe homosexuality is a disease? Anthony told me that, but I didn’t believe him, but is it true? Father would be so angry if he knew I was seeing a psychiatrist who didn’t want to cure me of that evil homosexuality for a change. …Not that I am seeing you, of course. 

So what else _don’t_ you think is a mental illness, Dr. Potts? I want to know. You know there are some psychiatrists who say there is no such thing as mental illness at all? R. D. Laing, he’s one of them. He says it’s just a label, it’s just a name some people put on you, and usually their treatment is only going to make you worse. Have you read Laing, Dr. Potts? Interesting man, and some very interesting ideas. Of course I’m sure _you_ can’t stand him, just like the rest of your profession. It’s because he exposes the truth, isn’t it? He tells it like it is: Locking people up, and the drugs, and shock treatment and all of that, it’s just one big scam. Who ever came out of a mental ward, feeling better about themselves? And those drugs that they say are going to make all the difference? Have you ever tried taking them yourselves? Then what gives you the right to prescribe them to other people?

That’s what was wrong with Anthony, was too many psychiatrists, and that’s _all_ that was wrong with him. Because he bought into it, see? All your bullshit, he just swallowed it: Homosexuality is a disease, and being locked up makes people better, and about the psychiatric drugs…

I’m not going to take responsibility, just because he bought that Lithium for me Dr. Potts. This is not my fault. I tried to warn him away, every way I could, but he just kept coming around. How is that my fault? When any idiot could have seen, I have _nothing_ to give anyone, but…

Never mind, we’re not talking about me. Father wouldn’t like it if I did talk to you, he likes the other kinds of psychiatrists, the kinds that “treat homosexuality”. And that “sliding scale” you mentioned? I have half a mind to start seeing you, just so I could tell him about that and watch his reaction. Someone taking the control out of _his_ hands for a change? Giving _charity_ , for something the Great and Mighty O. Odinson could have paid for himself? 

I’m not seeing you, though. I think R.D. Laing and the anti-psychiatry people are right, I don’t believe there is such a thing as mental illness. It’s a vision quest, Dr. Potts. Maybe it’s painful, but you see things. You learn things maybe, I know I’ve definitely learned, from my time going to the places the mundane world is afraid to go. …The “normal” world, people call it, but what is normal, really?

And homosexuality is definitely not a disease. It’s love, that’s what it is, Dr. Potts, and it’s protest. Why are you afraid of protest? Oh, I know it’s not just you, the whole world is afraid. What are you afraid of? Do you think your children are slipping beyond your control? Are you afraid we’ll learn the truth, behind the lies you’ve been telling us all of our lives?

Every time I go out on the street, every time I fuck a man… I’m not shocking you, I hope? …That’s protest, that’s what it is. When I fuck a man, that’s me, standing up and telling you where you can put all the lies, and the conformist bullshit you tried to raise me with. ...All the ugly rules our society is based on: You can only love women, and only one woman, and you have to get children with her, and you have to get a good job. You’re not okay unless you get your box made out of ticky-tacky, and you put your woman in there. …Your woman and the babies she’s given you, because of course she’s not allowed to sleep with anyone else either. Can you imagine what it would do to society if she did? What it would do to the fundamental order: You come home, find the little wife in bed with your best friend or, worse yet, maybe she’s in bed with the Avon lady, or her girlfriend from down the street. It’s all such a lot of _crap_.

If I were going to see you... But I’m not. I came because of Anthony, Dr. Potts, and only because of Anthony. I came to talk about his death that happened because of me. …I mean, it didn’t, but… People get tired, and sometimes they imagine things. I didn’t hurt Anthony, and I did love him, it’s just that some people are toxic.

Dr. Potts, Anthony didn’t kill himself. I found him, and I saw the pill bottle. He must have gotten them from the same dealer who sold him my Lithium. …And the whiskey bottle on the floor, that he’d tipped over when he… Well, it was spilled, is what I mean, the whole apartment reeked of it, and of Anthony’s…

This is _your_ fault, Dr. Potts. Not mine. Anyone would know you couldn’t trust a goldfish with me, but Anthony trusted me with his heart. And you _let_ him, you just sat there… Listen, why would I see you anyway, if you can’t even save a good man like him?

I should tell you all about it, I should tell you every detail, the vomit, and how he’d fallen off the couch, and how I found him, facedown in it, on that horrible, ugly carpet. …That carpet, in that horrible apartment, that he was only in because he’d wanted to rescue me. 

I don’t know. _Maybe_ I’m ready to be rescued. Probably not, don’t get your hopes up. And don’t think this is because of you. This is for Anthony, because I know he died trying to save me, and I just want that to mean something.

The letter? How considerate of you, you waited until I was done talking. You can go ahead and read it now. I’ve read it; there’s nothing in there to talk about. People are so quick to think everything’s suicide, and that’s why I took it, I didn’t want people getting wrong ideas. Anthony misjudged his tolerance for the drugs, that’s why it happened. You know your body changes when you’re off those things, and he’d been off them for how long? Two years, wasn’t it? And that’s why it happened, but you know what people would had thought if they’d seen the letter: Here’s one more crazy killing himself, just some nut, in San Francisco, which is the Home of Fruits and Nuts. That’s what people always think, and then they don’t think anything more of you, because they don’t have to, they’ve labeled you. I wasn’t going to have that happen to Anthony. But it was addressed to you, so I brought it to you. Listen, that guy Anthony hated so much? That Obie Whatever? Does he really read all Anthony’s files? Just don’t let him read that, all right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this one comes to an end (and Blackbird-y totally called it, like five chapters back). And now the edit is finished, title, song-tags and everything. Thank you for reading, all of you, and thank you for your comments, good, bad and otherwise. You've given me a lot of valuable feedback, and I hope I gave you a reading experience that you enjoyed, on whatever level one does enjoy a story that ends as darkly as this one.


End file.
